Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer’s recent article about black holes received extensive criticism for its insensitivity, and now Ed issues an apology in which he addresses some of the claims made against him.
From Ed Mountaineer:
Dear IBR readers:
I want to apologize to all of you for any comments I made that could be construed as inappropriate, insensitive, or tone deaf. Sorry. In my article on black holes, I asked several questions in the spirit of scientific inquiry and many of those questions were called out by you, the readers. I want to take each one and explain my thinking and then say sorry. Thank you and I hope you won’t cancel me.
1. When I said that maybe black holes are just giant buttholes and then speculated that maybe the buttholes belonged to “girl giants” that was not to say that women are more comfortable with showing their buttholes than man giants are. Sorry.
2. I apologize to all giants, giant buttholes, and women and men who have buttholes and others who have buttholes too. if I have offended them by talking about buttholes and who has them and it doesn’t matter if the butthole belongs to a man or a woman or anyone or anything else because it’s just a butthole. A vast, giant, black butthole that is out there in space. Sorry.
3. In case that wasn’t good enough, I pledge to put in the work to study buttholes more carefully and maybe not even call them buttholes anymore but come up with a better, more respectful name that doesn’t sound so buttholish. Sorry.
4. Here’s the name: essential output (or input) space. Sorry.
5. To test my new word, I will use it in a sentence: I want you to jam your cock into my essential output and input space. Sorry.
6. I insinuated at one point in my article that I may be god. I apologize to anyone who believes in god and it’s not me. I understand how the possibility that I am god and not whoever you worship would be a trigger for you and threaten your view of the universe. If you do think I’m god and worship me, I want you to know that there are other options out there and you can do those too. Sorry.
7. I also said that maybe we only see black holes because the giant is too shy to show us the rest of its body and I realize this is offensive to introverts. I apologize to all of them who just want to show their buttholes and nothing else. That’s totally fine. Sorry.
8. I speculated that human buttholes are very small compared to giant buttholes. I want to say sorry to everyone whose identity centers around having a huge butthole. I didn’t mean to suggest that yours was small. Please go back to believing your butthole is gigantic. Sorry.
9. I also want to apologize to farts. I’m not sure what I did wrong on this exactly but I said some stuff that sounded kind of negative and suggested they couldn’t be trusted because sometimes when I fart crap comes out and not just butt vapor. The crap part is my fault not the fart’s. Sorry.
10. Just to get ahead of this, I think the thing I said above about jamming your cock into my essential input/output space is probably also offensive. I don’t know who you are and it’s worded so that anyone in the world could be the one I addressed, so I’m sure out of everyone out there someone has a reason to be hurt by this. Sorry to whoever that is.
Ed is an essential input/output space at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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