At the Intergalactic Business Report, we often* receive reports from our readers** about their encounters with celebrities. These stories can range from the mundane (Cindy Crawford took a selfie with me) to the outrageous (Ryan Reynolds asked to use my bathroom to take a dump). We decided to go with just the outrageous and printed them below.
“I was waiting tables at a Bennigan’s in Chicago when in walks Ryan Reynolds and his entourage. Some guy who I guess is his bodyguard tells my manager that everyone has to leave and pretty soon it’s just Ryan Reynolds, all alone, in a Bennigan’s in Chicago at 3:45 on a Wednesday afternoon. When I go to serve him I have to wear a blindfold and he tells me to go find something called a ‘Tim Horton’s’ and bring him back a maple dip donut and that if I bring him a maple donut from somewhere else he’ll know. I go all over the city looking for a Tim Horton’s and my manager calls and says that Ryan has left because it was taking too long. He did leave me a tip though. Unfortunately, it was 35 cents in Canadian money.”
Jeff- New York City.
“After a night out at the bars, a friend of mine and I stumbled home. We were about five blocks away when a guy comes out and takes all our money. Then he says, ‘I’m Ryan Reynolds. Fuck you.’ I couldn’t believe it. What a total asshole.”
“I was audited by the IRS and didn’t know why. As I waited in the cold reception room for my appointment, a man came out and explained that Ryan Reynolds had audited me. Confused, I asked, ‘Ryan Reynolds? The celebrity?’ He nodded and said there was nothing I could do. When I complained that this was illegal and that Reynolds was Canadian and how could he audit U.S. citizens, the man did this thing where he looked really scared and insinuated that Ryan Reynolds was watching him. Needless to say, my audit did not go well.”
Brenda-Carson City Nevada.
“One time I took my kids to Chuck-E-Cheese and Ryan fucking Reynolds walks in and has everyone removed so he can eat pizza in private and maybe play some games. On our way out I asked him if I could get a picture of him with my kids because they’re such huge fans. He said something about how if I wanted to take a picture I should have given birth to cameras instead of kids. Weird. He’s so fucking weird.”
Ed Mountaineer-a little bit of everywhere.
“I show up at Ryan Reynolds’ house with my script for a movie I wrote where he’s the star and he could win an Oscar. Some guy comes out and says this ‘this is a private residence’ and some other bullshit. The question is how big of an asshole is Ryan Reynolds?”
**This was all written by Ed Mountaineer.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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