Worse than Armie Hammer? Terrified girlfriends describe their relationship with celebrity James Charles Austin.
If you’ve kept up on the gossip surrounding actor Armie Hammer’s alleged cannibalism, you know just how fucked up celebrity relationships can be (allegedly). When we heard about the claims made about Hammer, the Intergalactic Business Report immediately thought of James Charles Austin, one of entertainment’s most notorious bad boys. He had to be worse than Armie Hammer, right?
After interviewing him and several of his exes, what we discovered did not disappoint, and solidified Austin’s reputation as the biggest piece of shit in Hollywood. Below, we excerpt the lowlights of what we experienced.
1. James Charles Austin is “a fucking liar,” and is “give me some fucking money, motherfucker.”
This is what one woman told us when we asked her if she had ever had sex with James Charles Austin. She added that she would suck our dick for money. Clearly, James Charles Austin had turned her into a broken woman and left her under a bridge, where we found her.
2. The scandals around James Charles Austin are so bad that he’s stopped making any movies or television shows.
Seriously. Try to find any. We couldn’t.
3. James Charles Austin is into violent sex fantasies where he beats up men in Target parking lots.
We found this out when we tried to interview him in a Target parking lot.
4. James Charles Austin gets super jittery when you bring up cannibalism, which indicates he’s a cannibal.
When you react the way James Charles Austin does when you approach him in a Target parking lot and accuse him of cannibalism, it’s probably because you’re a cannibal. Why else would you get so defensive and tell everybody to “fucking leave me alone,” and “who the fuck are you people?”
5. Former girlfriends all say James Charles Austin is “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you. I will call the fucking cops.”
Almost all former lovers we interviewed said the same thing. Almost exactly.
6. James Charles Austin likes to assume an alter ego/alias of “Steve Risheski” as part of a dangerous sex game he plays in Target parking lots.
In this strange fetish, James Charles Austin pretends he’s someone called Steve Risheski and tells you to fuck off. Then you try to help him load his groceries into his car and he hits you and climaxes in his pants (we assume).
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.