In solidarity with the people of Chicago, Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer prepares for a solo Thanksgiving. His insights may help everyone go it alone successfully this holiday.
First off, my name is Ed Mountaineer. I always like to get that out of the way. Second off, I want to talk about my plans for Thanksgiving this year. I just learned that people in Chicago have to spend it alone and can’t see their families and friends, so I thought I’d give them some hope. I broke it down into five main things they should be happy about. Here they are:
1. You don’t have to chew with your mouth closed anymore.
This is probably my favorite part of a solo Thanksgiving. You can eat however you want without someone telling you, “Please, Ed, for the love of God, close your mouth while you’re eating.” Also, you don’t have to put up with all the, “You just spit food on me. What’s wrong with you? Do you seriously not understand how to eat? It’s really simple. Just chew. With your mouth shut. And don’t talk while you’re eating because then the food comes shooting out and hits everyone.” No more of that bullshit. At least not this Thanksgiving.
2. Being drunk is the same as being sober.
In the past, you would try to speak after drinking all day and it was hard. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner would call what you were saying, “gibberish.” Now when you talk “gibberish” it’s normal because no one is there to call it that and you understand it so fuck them.
3. No one can say your penis isn’t huge.
When I said earlier that the chewing thing was my favorite I guess I lied. This one is. Every Thanksgiving, usually when we’re done eating and maybe sitting around watching football, someone inevitably starts a dick measuring contest, and I always lose. I don’t want to get into why but let’s just say it has to do with someone who has a monster schlong and someone whose dick is considered “super small.” Guess who has the monster schlong this Thanksgiving? You (meaning me).
4. You don’t have to modulate the volume on your voice.
How many times at Thanksgiving do people tell you that you’re screaming? Or to “Stop screaming, Ed. Just talk in a normal voice!” This Thanksgiving, all those people can do whatever WHILE I TALK HOW I WANT TO. (I just screamed that.)
5. It’s almost impossible to “threaten” or fight yourself.
Unlike normal Thanksgivings, there’s no one around to challenge to throw down or just follow around super closely till they punch you. You can try to do it to yourself but it doesn’t work. It’s like, “Hey fucker I always hated you since we were little kids!” But then you’re saying that you hate yourself and not your stupid cousin or brother or whoever and it’s not the same. Also, when you hit yourself it hurts in a way that’s unlike when you hit someone else. Mostly because both your fist and your face hurt when usually it’s only your fist.
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After unsuccessfully running for office, Ed needs work. If you would like to hire him, please see his résumé here.
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