Email etiquette is a constant debate, even among seasoned professionals, who disagree on what salutations to use, appropriate signoffs, and generally how formal or informal you should be in an electronic communication. But did you know there are some career-ending emails you send without even realizing it?
As part of its educational series on how to succeed in your career, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals three emails you sent that probably got you fired: EMAIL ONE, SENT SATURDAY, 4:07 A.M. FROM: Dirk Lansbury TO: All faculty and staff at Trenton Elementary School SUBJECT: EMERGENCY TURD ALERT Hey motherfuckerzzzzz…… What up? It’s fucking four am and I’m still fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! You all hozzzzzzzz. Fuck it. Fuck it. Whoops, just pooped in the cafeteria. Guess who ur gonna ask to clean that up? Dirk Lansbury Assistant Custodian Trenton Elementary EMAIL TWO, SENT WEDNESDAY, 3:03 A.M. FROM: Phillip Turner TO: All current patients SUBJECT: Open wide Hitting send to all you dumb fucks. Yeah, I’m drunk. So what? Please open your mouth super wide. Come on, do it. Is it open? Pffffffff…. That’s my farts. Phillip Turner MD Head of Proctology University Medical Center EMAIL THREE, SENT MONDAY, 1:45 A.M. FROM: Jacqueline Mondorf TO: Brent Tuttles SUBJECT: I just burned down your house Hey Brent! Hope ur vacation is going good. Everyone back at the office feels like it’s vacation for them too cause ur sorry ass isn’t here to boss them all around. Drinkin all day and smoking dope. Am I breakin the rulzzzz? Sorry. Also, I just burnt down ur house, motherfucker. Jackie Mondorf Administrative Assistant Tuttles Enterprises New wealth trend: Rich old guys adopt bitchy daughters for totally platonic relationships.8/13/2021 We interview an anonymous billionaire who lets us in on the latest trend: wealthy older men see having an arrogant self-centered daughter who has no regard for money or humanity as the ultimate status symbol. Why? Because only really rich guys seem to have those. Read our fascinating conversation below:
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for sitting down with us today. I know your time is very valuable. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Everything about me is valuable. INTERVIEWER: Good one. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Thanks. INTERVIEWER: So tell me about your daughter. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: My actual daughter or the bitchy one I adopted? INTERVIEWER: You have an actual daughter too? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yes. INTERVIEWER: She wasn’t bitchy enough for you? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She’s into charities and wearing second-hand clothes. INTERVIEWER: She’s kind of a good person then? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh, totally. She’s the best. INTERVIEWER: Then why did you feel the need to adopt a second daughter? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I know you wouldn’t understand this, because you’re so poor, but in my circle, most of my peers always talk about how their ridiculously selfish daughters spend their money. I had nothing to add to those conversations. INTERVIEWER: You couldn’t add the fact that your daughter is philanthropic and not motivated by money? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, again, you don’t get it. If you said something like that everyone would immediately think you were a fake rich person because no real rich people have daughters like that. INTERVIEWER: But you do… ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I did. I kind of don’t acknowledge my first one anymore. INTERVIEWER: Why not? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Well, it’s not like she cares about money, and that’s kind of what I have to offer, so, what’s the point? INTERVIEWER: O.K. that sounds pretty fucked up, but let’s just move on and talk about your new daughter. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, she’s great. I mean, she’s terrible. Which is great. INTERVIEWER: How is she terrible? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She tells me to fuck off a lot and then I get her a gift, like a sports car or a handbag that costs like a hundred thousand dollars or something. Then she says stuff like, “Oh daddy, I love you so much!” INTERVIEWER: And that’s a good thing? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, because now I can talk to my friends and commiserate with them. INTERVIEWER: Because their kids also suck? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, and mine is right up there with them. INTERVIEWER: How did you meet your new daughter? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She was a college roommate of my daughter. INTERVIEWER: So, she’s friends with your daughter? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Not anymore! I mean, I disowned my original daughter and adopted the new one. It kind of caused a rift between those two. INTERVIEWER: I’d think so. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: And now there’s a lot of guilt I have to deal with. INTERVIEWER: For disowning your daughter? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No, for not adopting my new daughter when she was younger. She always lays a guilt trip on me about that. INTERVIEWER: Was your new daughter an orphan? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She has biological parents who raised her and sent her to college, where she met my daughter. But I’m richer than they are so she chose me. INTERVIEWER: How do her parents feel about the situation? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I would say they’re confused. That would be the best way to put it. Since their former daughter (now mine) is like twenty-three, she’s not a dependent anymore, so from their perspective it makes no sense. INTERVIEWER: Are they benefiting financially in any way? For instance are you paying back college loans for… What is your new daughter’s name? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Madison… Wait, did I say she was twenty-three? INTERVIEWER: Yes, I think so. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Fuck… INTERVIEWER: What’s wrong? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s twenty-four. She’s fucking twenty-four! She’s gonna be like, Daddy! You don’t know how old I am? How could you? INTERVIEWER: Are you sure this is all worth it? ANONYMOUS BILLIONIARE: I’m going to have to have a party for her or buy her something now. And it’s not gonna be cheap, I can tell you that! INTERVIEWER: So, what’s next for you? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’m probably going to be picking up an irresponsible son to wrap my Aston Martin around a tree. INTERVIEWER: I need to ask you a very serious question. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Shoot. INTERVIEWER: Do you know any of your friends who have done this? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Done what? INTERVIEWER: Adopted a grown woman to be their bitchy, out of control daughter? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Sure. Lots of them. INTERVIEWER: Really? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one. I’m like a pioneer… INTERVIEWER: Nobody really does this do they? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. I guess not. INTERVIEWER: Are you safe? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: What do you mean? INTERVIEWER: Are you afraid of Madison? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s a five-foot-two, twenty-three-year-old girl… I’m six foot three and… INTERVIEWER: Did you say she was twenty-three again? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh fuck… INTERVIEWER: Is that Madison, sitting over there? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, that’s her. Hi, pumpkin! INTERVIEWER: Is, uh, Madison… Is she a real human being? ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: You can see her, can’t you? INTERVIEWER: I see a mannequin… A strange, cobbled together mannequin whose parts don’t really go together. ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: (Hisses) Don’t say that. You’re gonna give her an eating disorder or something. INTERVIEWER: Sorry. I didn’t mean to… ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’ve gotta plan a second twenty-fourth birthday party…. Madison! Let’s go, dear. MADISON: Did you forget my fucking birthday? Did you EVER forget your first daughter’s birthday? Ever? With unemployment not being a thing anyone cares about anymore, the Intergalactic Business Report found that employers are desperate to hire and will do almost anything to attract new workers. We scoured newspapers and job listings and share what we found. These excerpts show to what lengths recruiters are willing to go to build their teams.
JOB POSTING: Hiring now! Criminal record? Everyone makes mistakes. We’re willing to listen. Starting salary 125K, 35 hours a week, full benefits. No experience necessary. JOB POSTING: We will SUCK YOUR DICK. That’s right. If you take this job, or even show up for an interview, we will SUCK YOUR DICK. Full benefits, including us sucking your dick. Bonuses every year independent of performance. Attractive people preferred, but we will take whoever. 80K signing bonus. JOB POSTING: Looking for your first job? Stop smoking meth in your parents’ basement and come join our team! Free meth and you can work from your parents’ basement, so why not just take our money? JOB POSTING: Earn a paycheck without working! We will give you 5K a week to not do ANYTHING. That’s right. You do nothing. We pay you. Come on, man. Jesus. Nobody? Really? JOB POSTING: Slap us with your penis. We don’t care. Seriously. Show up to work, take out your dick and slap us. Just show up. That’s all we ask. We’re an accounting firm. No, you don’t need to know how to do accounting. Nothing matters anymore. JOB POSTING: Paid internship. Recent college grads encouraged to apply. Learn how to be an executive by being the CEO of our company for one year. 20 million base salary plus random checks for no reason. May work entirely through your Instagram account. JOB POSTING: Humans welcome to apply but we will take a dog or even inanimate objects with no soul or brain function. JOB POSTING: Benefits include company car for your mom. We will also get you a mom if you don’t have one. Is that what you want? A mom? I’ll be your mom. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Seriously. Just tell me and I’ll be that. First impressions matter, and in a job hunt your best foot forward may be your résumé. It’s the embodiment of who you are professionally and gives employers a streamlined view of what you bring to the table.
Some say it’s a superficial document that doesn’t show a candidate’s true potential, but it is still a recruiter’s most valuable tool in weeding out those who just aren’t going to fit. The Intergalactic Business Report worked with* a local recruiter to find out what dissuades her from hiring a prospective employee. We were surprised to learn from her that there are ten phrases that almost automatically eliminate job seekers from contention. We list them below: 1. “Attention overpaid fucksticks.” 2. “This is ___ from the Intergalactic Business Report.” 3. “I am watching you as I write this.” 4. “Please be aware that I am in control now and you must comply to my every wish and command.” 5. “I’m wondering if the position you posted is still as open as my butthole.” 6. “If so, I’m coming in for an interview at wherever you live at a time of my choosing.” 7. “That time is usually between 3 and 4 am and it involves me breaking in through the window well in your basement.” 8. “My required pay is zero dollars and four human souls.” 9. “I think I just shit myself.” 10. “I think I just shat myself because I’m using grammar.” *We sent her a résumé and she sent the cops to our office. If you read the Intergalactic Business Report, you know we have a knack for being around when conversations between famous people take place. When we hear something, we keep eavesdropping and then transcribe the entire conversation. Check out what happened when one of our writers randomly listened in on a discussion between Elon Musk and Corey Macdonald.
After hearing what they said, you may want to reconsider your whole financial portfolio. COREY: Hey, what up, man? ELON: Hey. COREY: Why are you here? ELON: What do you mean? COREY: You’re Elon Musk, right? ELON: Yeah? COREY: Why are you at Home Depot? ELON: Just getting some stuff. COREY: Like what? ELON: Wood and shit. COREY: Why? ELON: I gotta build some shit in my back yard. COREY: You don’t get guys to do that for you? ELON: You can do that? COREY: What? ELON: Get guys to build shit for you? COREY: You don’t build Teslas by yourself do you? ELON: No. COREY: You get guys to build that shit for you. ELON: I do? COREY: You don’t build em yourself, right? ELON: Build what? COREY: Teslas. ELON: What the fuck are you talking about, man? COREY: You’re Elon Musk, right? ELON: No… COREY: Then why the fuck did you say you were? ELON: I said that? CHECKOUT GUY: Are you going to buy this wood? ELON: Yeah. This guy’s bothering me. COREY: Fuck you, Elon Musk. ELON: Fuck you, Corey Macdonald. I’m buying this fucking store and firing everyone and then hiring new people who never let you in. COREY: I’ll fucking break in then. ELON: No you won’t. COREY: Yeah I will. ELON: I’ll be fucking waiting for you with a fucking baseball bat then. COREY: I’ll bring a sword or something and destroy you. CHECK OUT GUY: Are you gonna buy this? ELON: You’re fucking fired. Dogecoin. Bitcoin. Bit-o-Honey. Cryptocurrency is the new rage among people who want money but don’t want it to be the kind where you can understand how it’s actually money. As prices for these new currencies fluctuate, dip, and bend, many of our readers demand to know the rules of this new economic system.
As the business source of record, the Intergalactic Business Report originally planned to issue an in-depth white paper on the subject to educate and advise you on this trend in your approach to buying, selling, and trading. That was hard. When we delved deeper and deeper we decided, finally, that it was better to just issue our own cryptocurrency and stop worrying so much about how all of this worked, mostly because it’s all kind of made up anyway. Below, we explain our new currency and how it differs from the others. FACT SHEET: The new IBR crypto dollar.
When you’re starting out after college, finding your footing on a career track can be daunting. Interview questions that stump you, knowing what to wear, what to say, and how to act, are all major hurdles you need to jump if you want to succeed.
As part of its commitment to young professionals, the Intergalactic Business Report asked an expert* to give some of his best advice for people new to the workforce and seeking a first job. He outlined seven simple, but crucial tips, that we have listed below: 1. You look like shit. What the fuck is wrong with you? You can’t walk into a job interview and look like a hobo. Do you have a fucking tattoo? Oh my god. Cover that shit. 2. What’s going on with your hair? You look like a girl. If she was strung out on drugs and dated men like you. 3. I always knew you wouldn’t amount to much. But this is disappointing even for me. 4. When you think about how much money I spent to send you to college and you came out not being able to complete a sentence. Are you high or something? 5. I don’t know… Maybe you should do manual labor. You can tell the guys at the construction site that you have a degree in something called “Contemporary Issues Management” and they can stare blankly at you. 6. Your mom’s side of the family had a bunch of guys like you. All in mental institutions or drunk. If the job search doesn't turn out, call Uncle Warren. I'm sure he has a spot at his group home for you. 7. I don’t know, Mark. Do you even want to work for a living? Do you? Because I think you’d rather just live in our basement and play video games and get high all day. *Mark’s dad. Drugs. Do they help or hurt us? This has been the ongoing question since the first time you sniffed glue and passed out in your basement. Experts have argued for years over the possible benefits of hallucinogenic drugs and, recently, a startup CEO was fired for taking LSD to “boost his performance.” This story is not about that guy.
Instead, we focus on CEO Brandon De Florian of Stripf Brands, a multi-national conglomerate. Last month, De Florian was also terminated for his rampant drug use that he also claimed served to enhance his focus and performance as the leader of the corporation. Following his departure, he released a letter to his board and employees. We have reprinted it below: Dear Stripf employees and members of the Stripf Board: It is with great sorrow that I write this letter to you. As you know by now, I was asked to leave my position as CEO of Stripf Brands following a disagreement about my use of performance enhancing tools that I believe benefited our company. I am writing today to tell my side of the story. First, I fully admit to taking “drugs,” which I consider a derogatory and loaded term our culture has devised to make helpful, scientific chemicals seem somehow dangerous and unnatural. This is a stigma I don’t believe I can overcome in a few paragraphs of argument. I can, however, explain my successes in recent years that I can attribute directly to my “drug” use. Let me begin with my decision to require upper echelon management to identify themselves as law enforcement in case they were on some kind of undercover operation designed to “bust” me. It is my understanding that police must tell you that they are cops. So this was just a legal precaution and nothing else. Taking legal precautions is a good thing and something you’d think a CEO would do all the time, which is what I was doing. I also received criticism for my conversations with ghost Leprechauns whom I simply used as outside advisors. Many people in my position hire consultants and outside help because internal opinions can be very short-sighted and support the status quo. Ghost Leprechauns like Seamus O’Herlihy and JT Biggins were disinterested and objective sources who gave me insights only dead Leprechauns could. I ask that you keep an open mind on this one. Further vitriol and misunderstanding came from our board and some team members when I started the Pot of Gold Initiative, requiring my bonus to be $12.5 Million in lottery tickets and that a new division be formed to scratch them off and find the treasure within them. I regret that the company costs for this exceeded $14 million when you count in the employee salaries, including hiring a new Vice-President for ticket scratching and the fact that only $500 (rounded up) was earned by the tickets since most winnings were used to purchase more tickets till we only had $475 left and then I got fired. While the Pot of Gold Initiative (or POTI) may have looked unorthodox to many of you, what you didn’t see were the two ghost Leprechauns who would appear to me in my nightmares to encourage me to continue the mission. JT Biggins threatened to kill all of you if I didn’t keep doing it and Seamus O’Herlihy, who seemed to take the “good cop” role, promised more riches if I just stayed the course. I’m sure you can understand that the prospect of losing all of you coupled with the allure of a $400 trillion payout (yes, that’s what they promised) put me in a difficult situation and, honestly, you are all alive, so part of my plan worked. If we had made the $400 trillion, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now. The meth. Let me get in front of that one too. Yes, I took meth, but once most of my teeth fell out, I quit, which I could have done at any time but chose to do when I had no teeth. Another charge against me was the clown outfits I wore and the screaming. I have a loud voice. Always have. And I think it was something people didn’t notice till I started dressing as a clown (my choice) and voicing my opinions at surprise plant visits and annual stockholder meetings. I think if you check the actual volume of my speech, it could be described as loud yelling, rather than “screaming.” I should not have tried to fly the company jet. I am not a pilot. I am fully admitting this. I think a lot of us have fantasized about being able to fly and I gave in to that fantasy in a weak moment as our pilots desperately tried to land our plane during a snowstorm and I felt the clouds were making evil snowmen who were damaging the wings. Those pilots are heroes, and I was trying to help them both fight off the snowmen and also fly the plane. I call that being helpful in a crisis. I’m sorry that many of you see it differently. Let me just finish this by saying something one of my mentors, JT Biggins, once told me. He said, “Beg for your life, Brandon! Or this old Leprechaun will slit yer throat!” That’s the kind of pressure I was under and still am. But I’m willing to do that for you, even if I don’t work there anymore. (I screamed this entire letter, but you can’t tell, by the way.) One last thing. Marty? Is that your name? Sorry about appearing in the back seat of your car that time. I was trying to sleep. Not murder you like I said. I bid thee farewell, Brandon De Florian, former CEO, Stripf Brands On Discovery Channel’s “Undercover Billionaire,” mega-wealthy entrepreneurs have 90 days to make a million dollars and prove they can make massive success out of practically nothing. Starting with just a beat-up car, their phone, and a hundred dollars, these crafty money-makers must go totally incognito and find ways to build an income and start enterprises that prove out the power of their hustle.
The Intergalactic Business Report thought all of that was pussy. So it asked it’s own business columnist and entrepreneurial genius Hody Granger to take the same challenge—only this time it was with 20 dollars, a bicycle, a beeper, and only one week to make that million. We dropped him off in the rust belt town of Lenore, Indiana and let him do his thing. Below, we chart out Hody’s path to success with his day-to-day diary. DAY ONE: A van drops me and my bike off somewhere in Indiana. I pedal my way to a public park to see if I can find a place to begin my work and maybe catch a few minutes of sleep. The city is small and I am able to find a nice town square, which will be perfect, since it is near the center of business. I find a bench and sit down. One main problem with the rules the Intergalactic Business Report have given me is that I don’t get a phone. I do have a beeper. But that’s just for people to call me, and since I don’t have a phone, I can’t really call them back. But I didn’t become a legendary entrepreneur by making excuses. Instead, my mind is already generating several money-making ideas. TIP FROM HODY: “Always be thinking of new ways to make money. Don’t let your mind stop churning. Your next idea may be your best one.” DAY TWO: The first night was kind of rough. I slept on the bench and someone stole my bike. I was also woken up to see if I wanted to have sex by some street people and a guy in a suit who said he’d pay. I laughed and told him I wasn’t into that kind of business proposition! I have an idea for how to make money. I will approach local businesses and see if they need anyone to clean their warehouses, store rooms, or even toilets. I need to start a base of income to build from. TIP FROM HODY: “Don’t be afraid of hard work and never think anything is beneath you. Money is money. If you have to clean toilets, clean toilets.” DAY THREE: I talk to fourteen businesses and none of them are hiring, even to clean toilets. I suggest to one of them that I could clean their toilets for free. They ask, “Why would you want to do that?” And I answer, “Just for something to do I guess?” TIP FROM HODY: “You can offer services for free just to show people you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty. Prove to them that you’re worth their time and money and you’ll get a return.” DAY FOUR: My twenty dollars is gone. I spent it on a potato, some gum, beef jerky, and some wonder bread. Beef jerky is fucking expensive. Why the fuck did I buy that? How the fuck is doing whatever they do to make beef jerky make it cost so much? There’s no way they’re not totally over-charging. Wait… A new business idea—I can make my own beef jerky and turn it into a million-dollar business in the next three days! TIP FROM HODY: “Remember that your million-dollar idea can hit you in one second. Wait for it. It’s coming!” DAY FIVE: I’m fucking starving. And that dude in the suit keeps coming back to see if I want to suck his dick. He says he’ll pay twenty bucks. That’s exactly what I started with. But I’m not into sucking guys’ dicks for money! That’s what prostitutes and women I date do! Not me! TIP FROM HODY: “If you ever have to suck someone’s dick for money, cup the balls. You may get a return customer.” DAY SIX: I have no idea how to make beef jerky. But I am able to put another man’s penis in my mouth and do stuff like that. I guess that’s where I am now. The beeper’s come in handy because people can call it and let me know they’re heading down to the park. It’s blowing up. There might be a line tonight. Better do my mouth exercises. TIP FROM HODY: “Keep your overhead low. If you suck a dick for twenty dollars in a public park, make sure you’re not spending over twenty dollars a day on other stuff, like beef jerky.” DAY SEVEN (FINAL DAY!): I’m excited to see if I’ve reached my goal. It’s been a long journey and one I’ll never forget. As I look back to that first night I spent in the park, I see I’ve come a long way and had to rethink a lot of things I thought about life. Like, for instance, I never thought I’d suck dicks for money. But the main question remains… Did I make a million dollars in a week? FINAL RESULTS: I made one hundred and seventy-nine dollars for nine blow jobs (one guy only had nineteen dollars) and I sold zero sticks of beef jerky because I gave up on that idea like the first day I thought of it. I still feel I won the challenge because I was able to value my business at a million dollars, even though I only had about $180 in actual cash. I’m pretty sure one of my customers said my mouth was worth a million dollars or something like that. TIP FROM HODY: “There’s no one on that ‘Undercover Billionaire’ show who would suck a dick to make money. They’re soft and I’m hard.” Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com. As more Americans consider the true cost of education, an astounding new study by the Intergalactic Business Report confirms that getting a university business degree may not be cost-effective when compared to these nine alternatives.
Should you spend tens of thousands of dollars studying four years (or more) at college? Or should you consider getting one of these instead? 1. An original Rembrandt painting. One of these can go for as much as $33 million dollars. The cost of an elite college education could be as much as $400,000 when you add in housing and food. Even if your first job out of college paid $100,000 a year, it would take you almost 350 years to make as much as the painting. Winner: Rembrandt painting. Loser: college education. 2. A businessman who works just for you and who is also a multi-billionaire. Why go to school to learn business when you can have a guy who went there for you? Now he works for you and you just sit there or go on expensive vacations or watch t.v. or whatever. Since he’s a multi-billionaire and basically belongs to you, you can just request that he writes you checks and signs over all his business holdings so that they are now yours. This is the epitome of “street smarts” over “book smarts.” 3. A monkey who makes counterfeit money better than the best counterfeiters in the world. While this one is technically “illegal,” the monkey doesn’t understand what it’s doing so that provides you some kind of excuse when you get busted. It’s probably best, in fact, that you and the monkey don’t discuss anything at all about how he’s coming up with all the cash. The less you know the better. Just take the money and then keep taking it. When the feds arrive it’s just you and a monkey. And a bunch of money. Act like you don’t know what’s going on, which you won’t as long as you never ask the monkey where he’s getting the hundred-dollar bills. 4. A re-usable lottery ticket that’s always right. If you can get your hands on one of these it can be worth a lot of money because every time there’s a lottery, you can just use this ticket and win. Some lotteries can be worth hundreds of millions of dollars. So why go to college? 5. A golden penis that can be melted down and sold for money. Just make sure it isn’t your penis, because then it will be gone after you melt it down. Also, make sure it’s huge, because a small penis may only be a few ounces, which won’t really get you a lot of money. This is, admittedly, one of the riskier options if you decide not to go to business school. 6. Three million dollars. A lot of people ask, “Why not four million dollars?” or even five? We think three million. 7. A sonic trumpet that emits a world-deafening noise every time you play it. Just say, “Hey, I’ll stop playing it if you give me like 80 trillion dollars” and see what the world leaders do. If you went to business school instead, you’d probably be asking your boss for a raise and he’d tell you about a bunch of shit you need to “work on” first. 8. A silver penis that can be melted down and sold for money. Similar to number 5 (above), this is the same thing only with a less valuable metal. So make sure the dick is super super big to make up for the difference. 9. A ghost pirate who can walk through walls and threaten people. There’s still something scary about pirates and ghosts and if you can get one of these guys on your side, he can approach almost anyone (because he can walk through their walls) and make them miserable. Then you can tell those people that you can control the pirate and they’ll be like, “O.K. How much do you want to call him off?” and you just smile and pass them a piece of paper with a number on it and wait for them to look shocked but then agree. |
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