Cedric Bigglestone cancels himself.

In a pre-emptive move, Intergalactic Business Report columnist Cedric Bigglestone cancels himself before the cancel culture does it for him. Below is his story.
 
 
 
Dear IBR readers:
 
It recently came to my attention that people’s words, actions, and stuff they say is now being scrutinized to the point at which those things are now being held against them. I feel this directly threatens me based on things I have said and done and I believe it is time for me to do something about it.
 
Rather than wait for the public to find out about my indiscretions and sins, I have made the decision to not only admit to them but also to completely “cancel” myself before they can do it to me. This is the verbal equivalent of shooting myself in the face before a sniper takes me out by shooting me in the face. When I’m done, the sniper will be like, “What the fuck? He ruined my shot.”  And I will be like, “I have no face anymore.”
 
Let me begin my self-inflicted trial in which I am already guilty before it starts by listing the stuff I have done.
 

• Accused the Elf on the Shelf of being an evil entity and discriminated against elves.
• Gave my penis a “girl” name.
• Had sex with fruit, thus discriminating against other things and people with openings and holes.
• Tucked my penis in between my legs and said, “Look at my pussy” to a cat.
• Quit drinking real beer, which is offensive to Germans. 
• Used knockout type, which is white on top of black.
• Wore a shirt that said, “Big Man Penis” on it, which calls out small-dicked men.
• Destroyed Ryan Reynolds, which is harmful to Canadian douchebags.
• Often pronounce my name as “Sir Dick” and pretend I have dyslexia.
• Published a letter without correcting my autocorrect.
• Referred to taco bell chalupas as “sloppy vaginas.”
• A bunch of other stuff.

 
I guess I got it all out and now I am cancelled, which means, I think, that I can do whatever I want as long as I don’t expect to get paid for it or have anyone like me, which is like it was before I was cancelled. 
 
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who is now cancelled. Don’t contact him at [email protected].

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