Recently, philanthropist Mackenzie Scott has given away billions to low-profile charities throughout the country. Many of these organizations were shocked to receive the money because they couldn’t believe that a person of Scott’s profile and wealth would regard them as worthy.
Although the Intergalactic Business Report is not a charity, it does take on causes that change lives and the world for the better. We applaud Ms. Scott and respectfully request she consider funding the Intergalactic Business Report, the greatest source of information in the universe.
Below, we summarize some of the causes we are most passionate about for her review:
CAUSE: Give me five.
PURPOSE: Funds penis enhancement surgery for men who feel inadequate without monster schlongs.
CAUSE: Sharing isn’t caring.
PURPOSE: We seek to end the barbaric practice of “family style” meals in restaurants where only the shit food is left for you to eat and there’s only one piece left of anything good and nobody wants to take the last portion so it just sits there.
CAUSE: Lose your grip.
PURPOSE: Organized universal movement to end handshaking not because of COVID but because it’s weird if you think about it. Also, there are people who don’t let go of your hand and they need to be stopped.
CAUSE: End fake space fashion.
PURPOSE: We work to finally stop people from being allowed to show up to work dressed like Star Wars characters, real or imagined.
CAUSE: Public awareness campaign about a false vaccine.
PURPOSE: This campaign centers around ending the myth generated by Carl Ystrepi of Bonhucken, Maine that his penis can deliver a “hot beef injection” that gives recipients total immunity from COVID.
CAUSE: Sit the bench.
PURPOSE: This year, 8 million people will be denied spots on benches in public parks because statues of fake people occupy this space. We all should be able to “sit the bench.”
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.