Before we move on to a totally new and original new year, the editors at the Intergalactic Business Report want to give you an article full of recycled articles about all the stuff we did last year. 2022 was an astounding time for our publication as we finally began to… Well, just read the recap.
We began 2022 with a sustained invective against “Dry January,” and announced our own countermeasure called, “Wet as Fuck February.” By February, one company had signed up. That was pretty much it for the movement, but stay tuned about a month from now when we probably try to dredge it up again.
We dipped into travel and cultural awareness when we shared readers’ travel stories, like taking a dump on the floor of a Spanish bus. So funny. We also went down a Reditt hole and attacked foreigners for attacking us. Not as funny. Almost a little uncomfortable when we got really really mad at them for criticizing the American education system that produced a lot of the great writers you read here.
Entertainment news focused on the usual back-handed attacks on Ryan Reynolds and shit about the Bachelor. We discovered a wolfman who was threatening the cast of Southern Charm and created some new Real Housewives taglines. We also pitched new country-specific Squid Games series and horror movies based on famous stuff whose copyrights had run out. Oh, and Chris Pratt may kill you.
As always, we gave you great business advice, like avoiding emails to employees in which you offer to trade sex for drugs. Business icon Hody Granger told you how to beat inflation by offering to suck dicks at gas stations and former waiter Trence Forway explained how to get rich and wear a cool hat.
We reached peak public service when we announced our new program to match dudes who said they would have sex with themselves if they could, with dudes who looked like them. Also, Cedric Bigglestone took Steve Harvey’s advice and well… We taught you how to live out of your pick-up truck, and how to make your life a Hallmark movie. And don’t forget how fitness expert Jonny Ripkin showed you how to get ripped by six a.m. tomorrow.
There was much more, including a Lethal Weapon guide to picking up women in grocery stores and what Craig Robinson’s nuts taste like, but we’ll let you explore our site at www.intergalacticbiz.com.
Another year and I’m done writing now.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor
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