It’s happening again. As the calendar changes and a new year closes in, the Intergalactic Business Report can tell you all about the year that just ended, because you are clearly senile, and can’t remember what just happened. To make matters worse, our “review” of the past year will be entirely of our own articles so if you're reading this in the future and you’re like, “Hey, we found this and it’s going to tell us about how life was in the year 2023,” then whoever that is is fucked. Anyway, here it is.
If you’ve never read IBR, you couldn’t possibly be reading this right now, but if you have read it, you may know that January is our most hated month. Why? Because turds across our universe use it as a way to repent for last year’s disappointments and fuckups and lay their burden on all of us too. That’s why we have New Year’s resolutions and, of course, Dry January, a punishment only Satan himself or the dipshits who came up with it could come up with. This year, we added to the heap of January despair with six totally fresh ways to ruin the month. Feel free to use them in 2024.
We continued the year with an exclusive interview with the King of the Nerds; warned you about All-State’s Mahem; and used science to tell you the two words that will get you a “yes” almost every time.
If that wasn’t enough, we did something the internet has never done by giving you the top 5 signs of early dementia as well as offering groundbreaking new information on the “upside” of Alzheimer’s.
A common theme developed throughout the year, and I think it’s safe to say that theme was love. Probably in its purest form as we, again and again, worked to give our readers news and insights that they could find nowhere else and that almost instantly improved their lives upon receiving them. A few examples of this would be our article on the 7 questions you need to ask your mother (before it’s too late); a stark warning about “creeps”; what Costco products to avoid; and advice on what you should say instead of “How are you?”
Business and technology. We did that too. Like when our own AI creature Arthur Killallhumans pranked us on April Fool’s Day; legendary business icon Hody Granger gave you personal advice; we shared a CEO letter inviting employees to “pound town”; and when Brett Bonar gifted you a morning routine so intense it will make you rich.
Another focus was the writers’ strike, which hobbled the entertainment industry as it was cut off from talented scribes who dazzle us with lines like “showtime!” whenever a character watches something happen and he can’t just sit there and say nothing. To remedy this, we offered our own scab writers to fill in the gaps, but, alas, there were no takers. We also gave voice to the porn industry, which was especially pounded hard by the strike.
There was a lot of other stuff too, but you’re probably too much of a pussy to go to intergalacticbiz.com and read it all. Sorry. That was probably too aggressive but we get a lot of advice about how to attract more readers and that was one of them. Not from an expert. Just some guy. At a bar. Probably not the best source.
Anyway, like I said, that was our year. Dry January is next. See you then.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor
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