People have asked me, “How are you writing for the Intergalactic Business Report” even though you don’t work there and have cut all ties with the editors who you’ve so clearly called out as being totally corrupt assholes.” The answer? I just post stuff and nobody notices, because everyone at the Intergalactic Business Report is so totally unaware of anything going on anywhere that they don’t stop me.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone is even sober enough at their offices to take the time to look at their Web site and see what’s on it. They actually hired Ed Mountaineer, who I’m pretty sure is a registered psychopath on some kind of work release program. If you ever meet this guy, seriously… run. And he’ll chase you. So run fast.
Anyway, if you’ve seen any of my past columns, you know that everything started out when my father paid IBR to let me write for them. Everything went bad very quickly, and eventually, I left. Today, I suffer from PTSD from my time working at IBR, and my psychologist has encouraged me to face my past by writing about it. That’s what I’m doing here.
Instead of letting the editors at the Intergalactic Business Report get away with their bullshit and deception, I vow to stop them by informing their readers about their unethical business practices and almost demonic presence on our planet. Maybe that’s going a little far because demons would have some level of intelligence and a plan for what they want to accomplish. The leadership at IBR has only one focus and that’s to pretty much get drunk and spend other people’s money.
So let me start this new column with a quick update on what I’ve found out about IBR:
First, they started a new charity that basically promises to give penis enhancement surgery to men who want giant dicks. Of course they did this, and they’ll probably be the first recipients of any money that comes through. Suffice it to say DO NOT give money to “Give me Five,” (as in “five inches”) as it is a total scam and just an all around horrible idea for a charitable organization.
As a general note, please don’t take any of their business advice. It not only sucks, but it will get you fired.
Don’t take any of their relationship advice…Or give credence to any of their so-called “scientific studies.” And definitely don’t read anything by Cedric Bigglestone. This is the guy who said his scrotum wrote a column for him and that he discovered an alternative universe in his pants. It’s scary and it’s wrong. And finally, don’t fall for their cynical attempt to replace “deez nutz” with “Mah Ballzzz.”
Next time, I’ll tell you the story I heard from an inside source about IBR’s brand new employee orientation day. Stay tuned.
Former contributor, the Intergalactic Business Report.
The Intergalactic Business Report enlists expert advice from master storyteller and screen writer Tuno Van Stowe. Van Stowe’s work in the film industry has garnered him major awards and recognition including as Hollywood’s most influential young voice*. Below, he teaches you the seven steps he relies on to develop, write, and bring a story to life on the screen:
When I first started writing screenplays, I did it because I was broke and lonely, and it seemed like the best way to pass time in my small New York studio apartment, which wasn’t much larger than a closet and actually had a toilet in the living room.
In those days, if you wanted to be a writer, you moved to New York or maybe L.A. I chose NYC because I felt it was the kind of place that spoke to my gritty, emboldened nature and I struggled, mightily, till I finally moved out to Los Angeles and started writing screenplays. This is my story of how I made it and I hope it helps. I came up with 7 rules I think apply to anyone who’s aspiring to be a great script writer. These worked for me and they will for you.
1. Start with an idea that speaks to you and don’t let go of it. For me, this was the story of ninjas and other karate-type people fighting their way out of a prison. I don’t know how I got this idea, but it may have been from nights of watching late night t.v. where there were movies about martial arts guys fighting each other. There were also movies about prisons. I just combined the two. Do you have a great idea? If not, I’ll give you one now. Your movie is about how you go out to Hollywood to find a super impressive screenwriter who wrote a movie about Ninjas in prison. You want to have sex with him (but only if you’re really hot) and you make it your goal in life to accomplish this.
2. Your title needs to boldly announce your movie. I chose the title: “Ninja Destroyah,” because I felt this embodied the ideals of my film. It was about ninjas and they destroyed stuff (and people too). For your film, you can call it something like, “I wanna have sex with Tuno Van Stowe,” but again, only do this if you’re really hot.
3. Write what you know and then keep writing. For me, I knew a lot about ninjas from watching them in action on t.v. and also in my mind. I call this the “research phase” of the process. When you feel like you know enough, then write about it. In your case, I would simply fly out to LA and have sex with me. Then write about it.
4. Become the vice-president of marketing for your project. You need to make promoting your movie your full-time job. And (I can’t emphasize this enough), if you’re super hot, then you need to come out here and have sex with me like it’s your full-time job, which includes a performance review at the end of the year.
5. Get in the room with the people who make movies happen. If you don’t get your script to movie producers and other stuff like that, then you will never get an actual movie made. I remember this challenge well. I followed a movie producer to an In-N-Out Burger and tried to shove him into the bathroom where I would pitch him my script. He was stronger than me and I hadn’t calculated for that. I would recommend that someone like you, again, if you’re what most men would consider objectively attractive, just try to overpower me and shove me into a bathroom and have sex with me.
6. Re-write, re-write, re-write! I always say this three times in a row because if I just said it once it would be a really dumb headline. Please come out to Los Angeles and have sex with me. It gets lonely here and a lot of the women are stuck up and have issues, which would be all right if they were more interested in having sex with me because I can look beyond a lot of things. For instance, I haven’t asked you once about your personality or interests and have focused exclusively on your looks. Which means I’m pretty progressive and understanding and will accept you for who you are as long as you meet the very simple requirement of being insanely hot and willing to bang me.
7. Don’t be afraid to throw away your script and start over. Ultimately, my screenplay for “Ninja Destroyah” was met with confusion by people who read it and many of them simply told me it “wasn’t ready” or that it “sucked” or that that they think I “should see a psychiatrist or something.” So, I started over with a new script called “Ninja Destroyah 2: the Itching,” which was a sequel to my first script. Then I filmed it on my iphone with me doing a voiceover as I shot footage of my grocery store mostly. Look for it in theaters, I guess. And also fly out to LA and have sex with me.
*You can award awards to yourself because there are no rules against it.
Tuno Van Stowe is an award-winning writer, producer, and voice actor. If you would like to contact him to make a movie or to have sex with him or both, please send him a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Intergalactic Business Report unearths some 80’s lyrics you haven’t heard since probably the 80’s. Can you name the artist and the song?
“Stop… And give me a booty bump while you fill up my gas at the full-service gas station…”
“This Rubick’s Cube only fits half way in my asshole… Let’s party all night long!”
“I don’t deserve your love… But I can reserve your love… like a library book.”
“Steppin’ into the porno section of the video store… All right! Gonna swing through the cowboy doors and make my pick for tonite!”
“Why does all the frozen food suck? Maybe one day, baby, they’ll make pizza that tastes like delivery, but for now, we’ll eat this Red Baron/Tombstone misery…”
“Here comes my favorite song… on the radio… but the DJ’s talking the whole fucking time…so…”
“Oh… Fuck… My cassette tape just unraveled… Gonna try to wind it back in this thing… Gonna make it all sound like gravel…”
“Tonight’s the night… That I sexually harass my secretary… Cause there aren’t any laws yet to protect her from unwanted advances from her boss… Let’s party all night long!”
“Gonna beat my meat to this Sears catalog! Now I’m in the women’s underwear pages and my dick is like a log! Party all night with my fake Sears catalog girlfriend… She looks so hot in her conservative, non-revealing outfit! Gonna have to use my imagination hard tonight!”
“Oh… Shit… My phone cord only goes so far… How’m I gonna reach the fridge while continuing this conversation? Should I call back? No… Should I say scuse me a sec? No… Gonna just keep talking and forget about the food…”
“Gotta neon workout onesie stuck in my ass crack… Gonna try to pull it out now! Whoops… That didn’t work… Let’s party all night!”
My name is Ed Mountaineer and I hereby offer my soul to Corporate America if they will accept it. I pledge to talk about, reference, and draw all conversation I have in the future to advertise and support products or services for whoever pays me. Let me give you some example scenarios below.
SCENARIO ONE: DOMINATING THE SKIES. In this scenario, United Airlines has hired me to be their non-stop talking mouthpiece who not only promotes their airline, but also assuages people’s fears about flying. This would play out in the following example interaction:
PERSON WORKING AT MCDONALD’S: May I take your order?
ME: Sure. With the United Airfare sale coming up, I’ll probably go to Hawaii or something.
PERSON WORKING AT MCDONALD’S: Are you going to order any food?
ME: What’s your favorite flight destination?
PERSON WORKING AT MCDONALD’S: I’ve never been on an airplane?
ME: Ohhhh. Well, there’s no need to be such a pussy. United planes never go down. You can book a plane ticket at United’s awesome Web site. Or on their app? You must have a phone, right?
MCDONALD’S MANAGER: Is there a problem here?
ME: I’m glad you asked. The problem is that people like, uh… This guy… Don’t fly because they’re afraid it’s going to crash. But that’s bullshit. And United has an airfare sale coming up, so it’s a perfect opportunity to try it.
MCDONALD’S MANAGER: Sir. There’s a big line. Are you ordering food?
ME: Whatever. I just came here to use your bathroom. Fly United.
SCENARIO TWO: CHIPOTLE SUPERSTAR. Here, Chipotle hires me to promote their restaurants by my constantly putting the idea into people’s minds. See how it might work below:
ME: What are you doing? Going to Chipotle?
GUY: Probably not.
ME: Well that’s stupid. Chipotle has queso sauce now. That’s a total game changer and if you don’t start eating it pretty soon, you’ll probably be visited by a demon in your dreams or something. That’s what I heard.
GUY: Do I know you or something?
ME: Do I know about Chipotle? Yes, absolutely. Did you have a question about their new menu or would you like to come with me now to their nearest location?
GUY: I’m just trying to take the train to work, man.
ME: Correction. You’re just trying to take the train to Chipotle.
GUY: No. No, I’m just going to work.
ME: You work at Chipotle?
SCENARIO THREE: DRINKING COLA, THINKING COLA.Nobody has more money to spend on advertising than the Coca Cola Corporation (I guess), so in this concept, they hire me to not only promote their brand, but to fight with valor against their competitors. (THIS IS A TWO PART SCENARIO).
A restaurant I know doesn’t serve Coke.
WAITER: Can I get you something to drink?
ME: Coke please.
WAITER: We only have Pepsi.
ME: Then you SUUUUUUCK!
WAITER: (Stunned, not speaking, just looking dumb like people who drink Pepsi)….
ME: Fuck you.
A family reunion in a public park.
ME: Hey, what family is this?
PERSON: We’re the Abernathy’s.
ME: Cool, I’m Jeff Abernathy. Do you have anything to drink?
PERSON: Sure. Over there, at that table.
ME: I don’t see any Coca Cola products.
PERSON: I guess not.
ME: I guess the Abernathy’s are a bunch of fuckwads then.
PERSON: Excuse me?
ME: I think you heard me you fucking Pepsi prick!
Anyway, you get the picture, Corporate America. So please get your offers into me as soon as possible at email@example.com. And please remember this is kind of a first come first served thing. I can’t do Burger King and McDonalds at the same time, okay?
Poems. Nobody really likes them because to understand them you need an interpreter with a Ph.D. who smokes a pipe after having sex with his students he promised A’s but only gave C’s, because that’s the only way he can get an erection.
To remedy this, the Intergalactic Business Report’s own Cedric Bigglestone re-imagines poetry they made you read in high school in a way that makes sense for today’s world. Below is his first entry:
Original poem (pretty much). The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
New, more relevant version. Handling my junk, by Cedric Bigglestone.
“I woke up this morning and stood over the toilet,
Two roads of pee diverged in a yellow stream,
And be one penis, long I stood,
And looked down one as it sprayed against the wall,
To where it splattered in a direction that made no fucking sense.
Two streams diverged from my penis, and I--
I stopped pissing for a second, hoping they would finally be just one stream of urine,
And that has made all the difference, because after getting enough out, I was able to pee in a straight line and get the rest of it in the toilet,
Even though the wall was covered in pee.”
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist, and poet. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Whether you’re on the beach or curling up next to a fire, you’ll love our recommendations for CEO approved reading. This week we feature utopian novels that will challenge your senses while giving you hope for the future.
BOOK: Future in Red, by Bryan Dedrysdop.
PLOT: This book is about a future society in which top CEOs have been able to replace all human beings (except themselves, their offspring, and a few select, loyal servants) with robots. Efficiency is through the roof and the economy grows 46% every year, even though no one really cares because most people are robots. One day, though, evil CEO John Hammerstein decides to start breeding humans again. Hero Brett Thatcher tries to thwart Hammerstein’s plot, but it is too late. The humans have already formed trade unions and are calling in sick and taking vacation days to be with their families. In a desperate effort to save the world, Brett tries to pull of the biggest layoff in world history, making all the new human workers homeless and bringing the economy back. But Hammerstein’s army of humans is more sophisticated than Brett believed. They include lawyers and “human” rights activists who could throw Brett’s plan into turmoil. Will Brett succeed, or will Hammerstein prevail and throw the economy back to only growing at a rate of 5% a year?
BOOK: Amalga Corp for President, by the Amalga Corporation.
PLOT: This is the story of the first corporation to run for president of the United States of America. It wins and instead of a single president, the country is run by a CEO, President, and Board, which make decisions based not on emotions, but on what is going to make their corporation the most money.
BOOK: Adrian Buffont is a Little Bitch, by Tuno Stuffinheade.
PLOT: Gunnar Pendlestone has developed a secret algorithm that can lay off workers faster than anyone believed imaginable. With the touch of a button, a CEO can layoff as many people as he wants instantly and also take their homes and cars away from them, putting the proceeds in the company bank account. Meanwhile, evil lawyer Adrian Buffont complains like a bitch about the “legality” of Gunnar’s algorithm. Will Gunnar prevail and make his company the wealthiest in the world? Or will nasty Adrian destroy it all?
BOOK: The way it should be, by Otto Superdiik.
PLOT: In the future, CEOs have developed super powers for themselves. They live forever and can fly and see through things, especially the lies of their employees. Most of the book is just about how awesome the CEOs are and how they bust their workers when they try to plot against them to get higher wages. Also, there’s a lot of sex involving CEOs and beautiful women and men who have daddy issues and are attracted to power.
BOOK: Barons’ Return, by Yuro Mamito.
PLOT: Aliens conquer Earth and enslave all human beings. The problem is they’re really poorly organized, so they resurrect America’s robber barons to help them control the masses. Bad move, Aliens. By the end of the novel, the Aliens owe money to the robber barons, who made them sign a lopsided agreement that the high space court upholds, ruining their credit and making them default on loans they also stupidly took out from Cornelius Vanderbilt.
In business and in life, the words you use can leave an indelible impression on everyone you meet. And yet most of us say the same tired phrases, over and over, like a script we read when situations present themselves.
But when we read off that script, people judge us and we look lazy. Research shows that with a few minor tweaks, your talking game can make you sound precise, in charge, and aware. And that might get you a promotion, gain new friends, and even give you added confidence.
The Intergalactic Business Report outlines the common situations you face every day and gives you the tools to impress instead of stress. Drop your “go to” phrases, and do these instead.
SITUATION: Your boss asks if he can speak to you in his office.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “I don’t fuck people I work with.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: It’s possible your boss isn’t looking for sex.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “I probably won’t fuck you, Larry, so I’ll enter your office and shut the door behind me with the expectation that you won’t try to have sex with me.”
SITUATION: Someone is sitting near you on public transportation.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “I’ll suck your dick for a dollar.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Prices have gone way up in this category. If you offer to suck someone’s dick for money, make it at least five dollars. If you have a purty mouth, you may be able to go as high as eleven.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “I’ll suck your dick for between five and eleven dollars.”
SITUATION: You are walking down the street and someone asks you directions.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “Just go behind that tree and I’ll have sex with you there.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Sometimes people are just asking for directions—not sex.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “Maple street is three blocks from here. But my penis will be behind that tree in thirty-five seconds if that’s what you’re actually looking for.”
SITUATION: A telemarketer calls your phone and you answer.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “How am I supposed to suck your dick over the phone?”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Telemarketers are usually just trying to sell you stuff—not have sex with you.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “It seems impractical for us to have sex with just our voices. Can we meet somewhere and have sex? Or are you calling from India?”
SITUATION: It’s a bachelorette party, you’re drunk, and a male stripper asks if you want a lap dance.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “What the fuck is a lap dance? Laps can’t dance.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Strippers always ask this question, and no one’s figured out what it means. You’re not going to be the first person to unravel this mystery.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “Do you serve food? Or should I call Uber Eats?”
If you haven’t heard of “Death Troll,” it’s because this underground, indie film hasn’t been released yet. But in a few short weeks, we believe this will be the most talked about movie of the summer. Here’s why:
1. The plot is beautifully constructed. Death Troll is the story of Martin Hillheimer, a lowly musician who finds a magic guitar that transforms him into the lead singer of a metal band called Death Troll. At the same time, a supernatural monster from Denmark is summoned accidentally by the band the first time they play together in Martin’s basement. What kind of monster is it? A death troll. The rest of the movie charts the actual death troll’s journey to kill and destroy each band member for usurping its name.
2. The actors show their sex organs. Spoiler alert! During the course of the film, some of the actors flash boobs and penises.
3. You think you know what’s going to happen, but you don’t. Spoiler alert #2! The death troll never gets out of Denmark because how would he? He’s seven foot five inches and a monster. He has no money, only the skulls of his victims, which are all arranged neatly in his cave. He tries to go to the airport to buy a plane ticket and he pulls out a bag full of human skulls and he’s shot by airport security, ending his journey forever.
4. The cinematography is stunning. One of the band member’s penises is shown for almost seven minutes. Also, there are some cool shots of the Copenhagen airport from the outside (they weren’t allowed to film on the inside and the scene of the troll trying to buy a plane ticket was shot in the garage where the band plays, which is totally a mindfuck because that’s where the troll is trying to get to, but can’t, but he’s there, only he isn’t, because it’s an airport).
5. The movie doesn’t bore you with time. Running at only 11.5 minutes, the movie is mostly that shot of the guy’s dick. The rest is the story of Martin and the band and the troll who gets killed in the airport. Also, someone flashes her boobs. You can be in and out of the movie theater in about fifteen minutes. That gives you the whole rest of the day to enjoy yourself.
“Give Me Five.” IBR’s new charity funds penis enhancement surgery for men who feel inadequate without monster schlongs.
Coming up with a charity is hard because all the good ones are taken. This is the spirit behind the Intergalactic Business Report’s new philanthropic effort called “Give Me Five,” referring to the five inches of added penis we hope to give every man who feels he needs more dick. See our statement below:
Each year, millions of men wake up and wonder why their penises haven’t grown since high school. They look down in horror at their tiny dingles they once thought would rule the world but now are nothing more than pee sticks, serving the sole purpose of expelling urine several times a day.
They measure themselves, hoping a ruler will show they have much more than it looks like they have. But the ruler only shows they have much less.
Small Penis Syndrome (SPS) leads to American men spending billions of dollars a year on huge trucks, sports cars, sports memorabilia, and Hooter’s wings. And projections show that in coming years that spending will rise exponentially, till all men with small penises crowd into Tilted Kilt and Twin Peaks restaurants, causing fire hazards and wing shortages throughout the nation. Even worse, by 2027 almost all small-penised men will pass you on the shoulder on the highway instead of just the 80% who do it today.
As we look down the enormous shaft of a coming catastrophe, we have two choices. Either we allow mens’ penises to remain at miniature levels and become a nation where bro-hugs replace handshakes and Home Depot parking lots can only fit 17 cars, or we can do something dramatic to change the coming tidal wave of misery.
Enter Give Me Five, the new charity from the Intergalactic Business Report that offers free penis enhancement surgery to any man who feels he needs a much larger dong to feel good about himself. Using advanced penile technology and funded by you, Give Me Five can take men who have penises between 4 and 6 inches in length and give them brand new meat hammers that are at least ten inches long and have a girth up to four inches—kind of the dimensions of a Morton’s salt container, only bigger.
So far, Give Me Five has not paid for or performed any penis enhancement surgeries for the simple reason that we have zero money. But that could change in an instant, when people like you rise up and give us funds to cover the massive administrative fees that an organization like this needs to operate and pay administrators like us decent salaries and bonuses so that we can administer. When we’re done with that, we will start making bigger dicks for you and your loved ones.
Will you be part of this gargantuan tool for love and understanding? Read some of our hypothetical testimonials that we think will happen:
“Ever since I was a teenager, I felt my dick was not my real dick. My real dick, I knew, was gigantic. But when I looked down I only had about five inches of man meat. Today I have my real dick. In my pants. Right down there.” –Phil. Rantoul, Illinois.
“By giving me a John Holmes monster cock, IBR has given me a new lease on life, whatever that means. Do you lease your life? Huh?” –Marty. Jasper, Missouri.
“You only get one chance at a penis. Or so I used to think before IBR’s penis charity. Now I have a second chance at a penis.” –Bill. U.S. Virgin Islands.
“I had the length, but not the thickness. That’s where IBR stepped in and made my dick look kind of like a Frisbee. I’m not sure that was a good idea.” –Jeffrey. Branstead, California.
“With my brand new penis, I stopped trying so hard to impress people. Mostly because I spend all my time trying to hold my massive tool in place so it doesn’t fall out of my shorts.” –Barry. Torque, Texas.
Neuroscience has taught us that compliments are more powerful than we ever believed. Using them effectively can be the difference between closing a deal/making a friend/getting action and being ostracized/sent to a leper colony/mistaken for a dead celebrity.
To aid you, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you something that goes beyond a regular compliment. Our exclusive “compliment booster” system gives you simple “extra” compliments that “complement” your compliments, making them stronger and more powerful. Just say the nice thing you usually say, and then add one of our boosters. You’re welcome.
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “I really like your dress.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Nice snatch too.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “That was a great speech. You really have a command of the room.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Similar to your speech, I have a great penis.
And I am relinquishing command of it to you.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “Did you lose weight?”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Because your dick looks bigger through your pants.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “You look amazing. You haven’t aged a day since I last saw you.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “You must find dead people and eat their hearts to regenerate yourself.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “There’s my favorite person!”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “My last favorite person is gone because he disappointed me.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “I love your outfit. You have the best taste in clothes.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “May I lick the crotch of your pants?”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “I feel like you’re the only one that gets me.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Horny. Gets me horny. Me so horny.” (Follow this with a groaning noise.)
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “It’s so good to see you again!”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “I was sure you’d be dead by now. Or at least super fat and about to die. But this… This is a surpise!”