 After reading an article about how America basically sucks, we decided to respond with our own, American responses “foreigners” aren’t ready to hear and they should buckle up (with their American-invented seat belts they wouldn’t have without us) because our opinions about them are brutal.
Redditor u/jaycool74 asked non-Americans, "What's something us Americans aren't ready to hear?" Here are some of the top-voted responses with our responses to those responses: 1. "You are the 'foreigner' for me and around 220 countries."--u/TaikoLeagueReddit "Apparently, they aren't ready to hear that people from countries that aren't 'America' don't consider themselves as being from 'foreign' countries." --u/adlcp IBR RESPONSE: “Why do people from foreign countries always say that?” 2. "American bathroom stalls are exposed AF. A grown man could crawl under one of 'em, and the vertical gap has a big enough gap to make full-on eye contact with anyone walking by."--u/CowDeer IBR RESPONSE: “Only a weird foreigner like you would even think of doing that…” 3. "Many other countries get minimum four weeks of paid vacation leave for employees and paid maternity leave — even for the father."--u/Zahliamischa IBR RESPONSE: “We call it paternity leave in our country. Maybe that’s the confusion.” 4. "The amount of food you waste is wild."--u/Commercial_Quarter_6 IBR RESPONSE: “Can you repeat that? We couldn’t hear because we were stuffing this double cheeseburger in our mouth. Oh, fuck it. We’re not that hungry right now anyway. We’ll just toss this onto the highway. Go on please.” 5. "Treating your president like someone you worship is bizarre. As an Aussie, I don’t understand worshipping the royals, either."--u/Appropriate_Sun6311 IBR RESPONSE: “And yet you worship the Bee Gees?” 6. "The US is a great place to be rich and a bad place to be poor."--u/IllustriousGuard1943 IBR RESPONSE: “And in your country, it’s awesome to be poor?” 7. "The quality of your fast food is absolutely horrible compared to that of Canada’s. I’m referring to the same chains: Burger King, McDonald's, etc."--u/earthmang2two IBR RESPONSE: “Well, we better get on the road and head north till we hit some of that great Canadian Burger King food.” 8."You DO have an accent."--u/imakeverylittlemoney IBR RESPONSE: “Vat vas dat? Deed you say vee have an ahkzent? Okay den…” 9."School shootings are an almost uniquely American problem. The rest of the world is disgusted. Truly. The need for children to practice ‘active shooter drills’ is an unfathomable sci-fi dystopian horror for us."--u/JessieOwl IBR RESPONSE: “What does the ‘rest of the world’ have instead? Active kidnapping, public execution, run for your lives, terrorist train stabbing/killing humorists/beheading priests drills?” 10. "TURN THE VOLUME DOWN — YOU'RE TOO LOUD."--u/captainsnacks11 "Americans can always be identified before you see them by their loud voices. I grew up in America, moved to Ireland around 12 years ago, and have learned quite a bit in my time. Now, I see these fresh-off-the-boat American tourists shouting all the time, and I just think, 'Was I that bad?' and 'Why are they so loud?'" --u/ultratunaman IBR RESPONSE: “Maybe we should emulate those soft-spoken, non-violent, sober Irishmen who are so damned quiet when they stab you for making eye contact with them.” 11. "Forcing students to go into debt for further education is disgusting. One should be able to get more education without having to risk never financially recovering."--u/uckin_anti_pope IBR RESPONSE: “Your cool foreign education led you to use the reddit tag ‘uckin anti pope.’ At least it was free?” 12. "You all eat too much sugar."--u/whtsinthename "I lived in the US for six months. Shortly after moving, I bought a loaf of bread and made a sandwich, but it was so sweet! I told my housemates that I think I’d accidentally bought a dessert bread. They tried it. NOPE — regular bread. It was just FULL of sugar!" --u/goldboldsold IBR RESPONSE: “If you liked that, we can also get you a shitload of salt for cheap.” 13. "Tipping in America is BS. Owners of restaurants and places need to pay normal wages." IBR RESPONSE: “You just lost your tip.” 14. "Your education system is far worse than you think." --u/mdsMW "Not just worse, but also really, really bad in terms of metrics and history." --u/BeastmasterBG IBR RESPONSE: “Can you imagine how much more we’d dominate your country if we had a good educational system?” 15. "Not everyone speaks English in the rest of the world. Learn another language; it's good for the soul and the brain." IBR RESPONSE: “Just like you learned English?” 16. "The World Series only happens in the US."--u/Kommonwealth IBR RESPONSE: “And yet you know what it is…” 17. "If you tell me you're Polish, but you were born in USA, never went to Poland, never learned the language, and you don't give a f*ck? Yeah, you're not Polish — you're American. Same goes for any other nationality."--u/Robert_Kurwica "Just because your grandma or whatever was Irish/Italian/German etc., doesn’t mean you’re Irish/Italian/German etc. — and that’s okay." --u/TheAndorran IBR RESPONSE: “Maybe we should just start saying, ‘man you won’t believe the shit hole country my grandma was from before she escaped and moved here.’” BONUS RESPONSE: “Did you hear the one about the Polish guy who didn’t think Polish people were from Poland?” 18. "We aren't jealous of you, like, at all." IBR RESPONSE: “Why is it all the countries in the world that don’t care about the U.S. and aren’t jealous of us have to get together to tell us how much they don’t care about us and how they aren’t jealous of us?”  Not Ed Mountaineer. But it's a picture of a dude looking at a computer, which Ed does too. The Intergalactic Business Report often gives out columnists' contact information at the end of articles, just in case someone wants to get in touch, complain, or learn more. If you’ve ever read anything by Ed Mountaineer, you know he likes to have sex with funnel cakes and has deep-seeded issues with Ryan Reynolds.
Despite this, someone wrote an email to Ed. We have printed it below with Ed’s response in red. SUBJECT: Ed Please Don't Leave Me Hanging in 2022 Hi Ed, I realize schedules can fill up quickly but is there a time that works for you and your team to discuss how our dedicated team of software engineers can help you build custom software solutions? Hi Bryan, this is a sex thing, right? Cool. Just checking. Yeah, my “schedule” fills up real quickly. Yes, I would like to do a tag team with your engineers and see if they can build me a solution to relieving my painful boner that won’t go away. To break the ice, we suggest on-boarding our resource for a 40 hour trial period to start your collaboration with Us. This would allow you to see our engineers in action with minimum risks and no obligations. Oh fuck yeah. Break that motherfucking ice, Bryan. On-board my ass. Do it hard. 40 hours? Shit. Yes, I want to see your engineers have sex in front of me. And I appreciate that there are no strings and I can detach myself emotionally and am not under contract to be a slave or whatever. If this is something you’d be interested in exploring further over a brief call, let me know what time works best for you and I’ll share the calendar invite. Not only am I interested, but I will show up at your house. Fuck the calendar invite and the phone call. I am ready to party. Regards, Bryan xxxx (redacted) Manager Customer Success xxxx (redacted) intend not to be bothered simply react with unsubscribe Yeah… What the fuck does that mean?  Yeah it’s Rhoda Bloom again and Thanksgiving is only a few days away. This is usually the time when I hear “friends” and “family” say how much they’re looking forward to the holidays and I’m already doing that thing where you press really hard on your leg till it gets as numb as your desire to be with family and friends at the holidays.
You may have noticed I put those words, “friends” and “family” in quotations. That’s because I don’t have any friends and my family members are the people I sit with and tune out like they’re ghosts and I’m on a scary old pirate ship by myself and trying to pretend they’re not there so I don’t scream. I’m sure that whoever you are is great and that you’re planning a sumptuous Thanksgiving day with people who love you. Except that when you really think about it, they’re just there to put up with you for a few hours and then get in their cars and talk about how much you suck and then laugh about it. Do you know at the actual first Thanksgiving they didn’t even talk to each other and both groups were like, “Are they going to kill me?” and the whole time they also thought, “Should we just kill these motherfuckers? Should we fucking do it? Because if we don’t they’re going to fucking kill us first.” Just speculating, but that’s pretty much what I assume my “family” is thinking the whole time we eat too. I’m writing a screenplay about a girl who’s dying of a terminal disease but then it turns out everyone on the planet has the same disease and she’s just the first one to figure it out. Sorry. That has nothing to do with Thanksgiving except that I guess everyone in that fictional world would have a pretty shitty one or not even make it to Thanksgiving depending on what month I decide to set it in. O.K. I just did it. January. So they're all dead by mid September. Except maybe one guy who’s immune, and he spends Thanksgiving all by himself, as the last man on Earth and he pretty much feels the same as I do every Thanksgiving. For the past few months I’ve also been thinking that maybe Thanksgiving is just a fucked up test that the aliens put into the simulation we’re all living in. Like they want us to be thankful for the hellish fake world they created for us and then when we talk about how great it is to be alive they sit there and go, “Yeah, they’re all masochists. Let’s make this more hellish.” But after that I start thinking there’s no way we’re in a simulation because that would mean there was some kind of actual control over things instead of everything being random crap like turducken and Neapolitan ice cream and Florida. Anyway, do you even know how to cook a fucking turkey? Just a question, but there’s no way you do. And if you do know, then that means you understand how to pull things out of its butthole and baste it and stuff it and then baste it again with the inseminator tool. And what does that say about you? Sorry. Not judging. Just speculating that cooking the turkey might be a weird sex thing you’re into and not about being thankful for anything other than you getting to sexually assault a dead turkey with your fist. Again, not judging. It’s less fucked up than what I’m into, which is just slowly picturing myself dead every second of my life until I finally am. I guess with that, I want to say Happy Thanksgiving? Enjoy your holiday. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  A recent article exposed celebrities by collecting insights from Reddit users who, through their power of intuition, are able to sense what celebrities are like in real life as opposed to the images they try to project. We thought this was so insightful that we asked Intergalactic Business Report readers to do the same. And, wow. Just… wow. We found out shit about celebrities you would never believe. See what we discovered below:
Kevin Hart. “I don’t know. He seems nice, but then that’s probably just an act. When I look at him, there’s something behind his eyes that’s saying, ‘I’m a dick in real life.’” -u/moneyshot69 Ryan Reynolds. “He’s Canadian, but then he acts American? Fake.” -u/edmountaineer Paris Hilton. “She’s smart and not dumb. I can tell.” -u/freewaystreaker Gordon Ramsay. “He yells at people on all his shows, but there’s no way he can yell 24 hours a day so there’s probably a time when he’s not and he seems nice.” -u/ballsquezzzzzer Ryan Reynolds. “He’s always smiling in photos and if he’s not, he’s just kind of staring at you or something. Creepy.” -u/edmountaineer Country singers. “The vast majority of country singers don’t even fuck their cousins.” -u/manballzzz420 The Rock. “Just a total gut feeling and no proof to back this up whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure he fucks stray cats.” -u/catfucker247 Ryan Reynolds. “He seems like the kind of guy who has a lot of celebrity friends who won’t talk to you because they don’t know you.” -u/edmountaineer JLo. “I don’t know…I think she’s different in real life than when I see her portraying characters in movies and singing and stuff.” -u/wizardboner4u Ryan Reynolds. “He acts like he’s nice, but just try to contact him by typing his name into your cheap ass Mint Mobile phone. He’s never there.” -u/edmountaineer Kanye West. “He sings songs and stuff. No way is he like that in real life.” -u/buttstuffing Ryan Reynolds. “I have poops that are less stuck up than Ryan Reynolds.” -u/edmountaineer  In recent years the idea of choosing your own pronoun has become commonplace in many institutions and businesses. Signature lines now include a short list after someone’s name that may say, “he, his, him,” or “they, their, them” for those who don't want to be identified in binary gender terms.
While pronoun requests are a hot topic in culture debates, new trends are competing for acceptance in our everyday parlance. We spoke with critical studies professor Charles DeMize about some upcoming culturally sensitive grammar changes. INTERVIEWER: You spoke to me a little earlier about “tense” and how this is the new choice people must make in how they see themselves. Can you explain a bit about this? CHARLES DeMIZE: The idea that time is linear is a Western, white male construct. Your tense may be even more important than your pronoun because it positions you in your reality, which is your sense of being on a much higher level. INTERVIEWER: So, like your pronoun, you would also choose the tense people should associate with you? CHARLES DeMIZE: Correct. For example, someone might identify in the past by using “was, were,” in the present with “am, is,” or in the future with “will be.” INTERVIEWER: So, when you speak to someone who identifies as being in the past tense, you use only past tense when referring to him or her? CHARLES DeMIZE: Or them. INTERVIEWER: Right, of course. CHARLES DeMIZE: If, for example, I used the somewhat archaic construction of, “Cindy went to the store and bought herself a soda,” I would now say for a non-binary future tense person, “Cindy will go to the store and will buy them a soda.” INTERVIEWER: Even if that all happened in the past? CHARLES DeMIZE: Again, we are not constraining ourselves to the linearity of time. In Cindy’s view, they live in the future. INTERVIEWER: Who is “they”? CHARLES DeMIZE: Cindy. INTERVIEWER: Who’s on first? Ha ha. CHARLES DeMize: Abbot and Costello were racist. INTERVIEWER: Of course. Yes, I know that. Let me ask you, what is your tense? CHARLES DeMize: It shifts, maybe three or four times a day, but that’s just me. I will take a present tense in the morning, and will shift to future, then back to present, and then I will spend the afternoon and evening being in the past. It all depends. Some days I will be entirely in the past, particularly when my high school reunion is looming, for instance. INTERVIEWER: Do you feel like the use of personal tenses and turning plural pronouns into singulars could make basic communication untenable? CHARLES DeMize: Yes, if you are a white supremacist. INTERVIEWER: What’s next on the horizon? Are there any other grammar trends we should be aware of? CHARLES DeMize: Conjunctions I believe will be very important in the next year or two. INTERVIEWER: Conjunctions? CHARLES DeMize: Yes, I firmly believe that the way we connect words has great societal meaning and that people will begin to choose their preferred way of doing so to convey their positions on a variety of issues. INTERVIEWER: Do you mean conjunctions like “and” and “but”? CHARLES DeMize: “And” is an inclusive conjunction. “But” is negative and often used to exclude or diminish others. For example, one could say, “I love cats and dogs,” or you could say, “I love cats, but I am a white supremacist.” Using the conjunction “nor” could imply arrogance, because it is something generally associated with 18th century British sea captains whose world view probably includes using ethnic slurs we wouldn’t even recognize today. The same goes for “whereas” and “yet.” “Provided” implies privilege since only those with provisions can provide for anyone and that would mean they had accumulated wealth that they arrogantly bestow upon others at their discretion, thus being at odds with a world view of equality, sharing, and mobs of people finding where the rich store all their stuff and just taking it. INTERVIEWER: Considering that all words could have some kind of political or social meaning, even if we just said that saying a word is discriminatory against people who are unable to speak, do we find ourselves on a slippery slope in which no one will be able to say anything and if they do it will just be nonsense? CHARLES DeMIZE: Speaking is discriminatory. INTERVIEWER: It’s been a pleasure having you here today, Professor DeMize. CHARLES DeMIZE: By saying it is a “pleasure” and then saying you “had me” means that you are a mental rapist violating me by projecting unwanted sex scenarios into your sentence. INTERVIEWER: I apologize. Could you tell me what an appropriate sign off for an interview should be? CHARLES DeMIZE: Yes. Say this next time: “…” INTERVIEWER: I didn’t get that. What did you say? CHARLES DeMIZE: I said: “….” INTERVIEWER: You didn’t say anything. CHARLES DeMIZE: Exactly. INTERVIEWER: So, should we just stop speaking? Is that the most socially sensitive thing to do? CHARLES DeMIZE: …. INTERVIEWER: I get it. You’re saying nothing. CHARLES DeMIZE: … INTERVIEWER: So I should just stop saying anything too. I get it. And then we just kind of sit here and… CHARLES DeMIZE: … INTERVIEWER: … CHARLES DeMIZE: … INTERVIEWER: …  Not even close to what Rhoda Bloom looks like. Rhoda. Bloom. I separated my name with a period because that’s the most creative I’m going to get for the rest of my life, which will probably be short. In my last column, I even assumed I would be dead by now. But guess what? I’m still just living the nightmare and waiting to get sideswiped by a horrifying medical diagnosis or a natural disaster where everyone I know has to say, “Oh my god. Rhoda Bloom lives there. Do you think she’s dead? Yeah. Rhoda Bloom. You don’t remember her? She was that weird girl nobody liked. Yeah, my sister, Rhoda Bloom.”
Speaking of natural disasters, I read an article about how a comet is coming straight for our planet. I kept skipping ahead so I could find the part where it says it won’t hit for 50 million years, but it wasn’t there. So, we’re all going to die. Whatever. Meanwhile, I guess my COVID vaccine is wearing off. When the comet hits I’ll probably be wondering if I have the virus or just a really shitty cold where I also shit my pants. And I’ll have a rash too I guess. Probably in my ass, and the doctor will be like, “No one ever gets it there,” and then we’ll just watch the comet make impact from his doctor’s office window and he’ll be the last person I spend time with on Earth, which sucks for him. There’s also the UFO stuff, of course. Those interplanetary motherfuckers are apparently all over the place and instead of being worried, we just take videos of them and post them and everyone’s like, “Hey, check out this Tik Tok of a UFO.” I’m assuming the aliens are freaked out by that, kind of like if you walk into a bar holding a huge gun and everyone just kind of turns and looks at you and then keeps drinking. I guess we’ve got that going for us. At least until they fire that metaphorical gun, which is probably like a hand-held super nuclear laser beam that also gives you COVID. Speaking of Tik Tok, I guess if you look at it, the Chinese government controls your phone? But we keep doing it because we like twelve second videos of teenagers doing stuff nobody understands except teenagers and even they seem a little confused but don’t really care because I guess that’s the point? Does anyone get this at all? In some good news, everybody dies. That kind of evens everything out. In some other good news, I just watched a show called “Squid Game” where poor people play childhood playground games against each other and get killed if they fuck up. If you end up winning all the games it means everyone else died but you get to be a multi-millionaire. I really related to the fucking up and dying part and also the part where when you die you don’t get any of the money and it goes to someone else who wanted it more than you. Inflation is going to be horrible, according to experts. Higher inflation means everything’s going to cost a lot more. Except death. Death will always be cheap. Anyway, I guess I’m done writing. I need to check my Twitter feed where I just saw that everything in the entire world sucks. I think there are some links to articles. Instagram has some new pictures of successful people telling me to stop worrying what other people think of me so I can reach my goals. But I’m on Instagram because my goal is to have everyone like me. And my high school reunion is coming up according to Facebook and the theme is bikini beach party, so I guess that’ll delay the comet from hitting. Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  Ed Mountaineer adds to the twitter feud between Gerard Butler and Ryan Reynolds by telling our readers why he doesn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies. The reasons may astound you.
(From Ed Mountaineer) Dear readers: I know a lot of people know me because of my relationships with celebrities and in the past year I’ve received a lot of criticism for my views on Ryan Reynolds. One reader made the claim that I was “hanging from Ryan's balls,” which is impossible because he has none. Burned. I could end the article with that and the editor in my mind is screaming at me right now to do just that and walk away with a sick victory over Reynolds and all he represents, including airplane- themed alcohol (let’s drink and then fly a plane, bros!) and phones for poor people that trick them into thinking they’re going to have better breath (wrong!). If you added up all the nonsense I’ve put up with from Reynolds it would total a number scientists haven’t invented yet because they would be like, “Why even have a number that high? That’s stupid.” Apparently they’ve never met Ryan Reynolds. Anyway, when Gerard Butler came out to say he didn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies, Reynolds shot back by promoting charities about democracy and civil liberties and racial justice or something. Huh? Maybe he should start a new charity to help all the people who tried to eat one of his phones because their breath was so bad? Or one for all the pilots who crashed planes after getting drunk on his booze? I don’t know, Ryan… Just thinking out loud. I promised the Intergalactic Business Report I would tell you why I, like Gerard, don’t watch movies by Ryan Reynolds and it might not be for the reasons you think. Here they are: 1. I don’t own a t.v. They took it away from me and don’t get me started on who “they” is. The point really is, how am I supposed to watch movies if I don’t have anything to watch them on? 2. I am banned from most movie theaters. This is a known fact and probably the reason Reynolds likes to have so many of his movies play in them. 3. I am not able to “see” Ryan Reynolds. My brain is trained to immediately shut down images of Reynolds so that I never have to look at him. Yes, this means I would probably lose in a fight against him because he would essentially be invisible and could sneak around and punch me. If that makes you feel like a big man, Ryan, go ahead and take a swing. 4. If I were able to get into a Ryan Reynolds movie without being detained or arrested, I would probably need to take a dump right at that moment and be in the bathroom for the next thirty minutes and when I was done I’d wander into basically any other movie and watch that instead, even if it was about a family coming together for Christmas or Thanksgiving and they have to deal with a tragedy from the past. 5. I did see a Ryan Reynolds movie once. Before I smartly made my pledge to never again see a Ryan Reynolds movie, I did see one and didn’t understand who I was watching. I asked myself, “Who is this approachable, funny, and charismatic actor who makes me want to watch more?” But that was Albert Brooks. 6. My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynold’s. I just needed to say that. I almost typed, “My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynolds.” 7. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Turns out the richest man on planet Earth reads a lot of books. Or at least that’s what the Intergalactic Business Report discovered when it sent its top writers on a mission to find out just what the eccentric billionaire has in his book collection. We were shocked. And a little surprised. But believe it or not* these are the stories, novels, and non-fiction works that Musk reads every day.
1. Big Titties: a pop-up view book. Despite its suggestive title, this book also focuses on breasts that aren’t that big. Warning: when you open chapter five—Brenda’s Bouncing Triple Gs—you get hit in the face. 2. Only I may read this. This book is so exclusive only Elon Musk is allowed to read it. 3. Robot Viking Booty Warrior. This novel chronicles the adventures of Fyornstad Gruenstein, an ancient Viking who is resurrected by scientists in the year 2176 to star in his own talk show. Unfortunately, no one can communicate with him through speech since he can only talk with a lost language, so he just fucks things. 4. Bold inventions of the Kitty Empire. Here we see stuff kittens have invented, like string they pulled from a ball of yarn and a dead bird wing. 5. Emperor Gorgon X’s command book for Elon Musk. This is just a huge list of shit that Musk must get done for someone called Emperor Gorgon X. Example: “Prepare Earth for my arrival. I’m putting a lot of trust in you, man. Take it seriously, all right?” 6. How to make up cool-sounding shit that you’ll never actually do. A guide for constructing big ideas that appear amazing but are actually total bullshit, this book instructs readers how they can take part A (I have a vision/plan/idea for the future), add it to part B (And that is that we will all be able to travel/communicate/trade/store things in) and then tack on part C (using giant rubber bands/telepathic brain plugs/space currency/your mom’s butt). *Not.  Every other week, Netflix announces it’s cancelling shows and every other week, the internet shows a picture of a show that there’s no way they’d cancel next to the headline that Netflix is cancelling shows. Want to know which series are getting the axe for real? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you eight shows that are finally meeting their demise. We list them below:
SHOW: Poison Pals (Cancelled). PLOT: Two Nova Scotian high school boys poison each other on a dare. WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: They both die in the first episode, because they eat the kind of poison that kills you immediately. SHOW: Burstoff (Cancelled). PLOT: David Burstoff is the world’s most successful art thief, but his lifestyle is in jeopardy when a loveable eight-year-old who may or may not be his son paints a picture worth 8 billion dollars. Should he steal from his own possible son? Or should he take the money he’s already made from stealing art over the years and buy a reasonable home in the suburbs and raise his maybe kid who will call all the shots in this new family because he’s now a billionaire. Also, there’s a maid who talks back a lot. Like she’s more part of the family than a domestic servant. WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Read above. SHOW: Are you fucking crazy? (Cancelled). PLOT: Hot young studs are placed on an island with hot young women all of whom are clinically insane. After dating around for three days, the studs must choose to either leave the island as a couple or commit their new girlfriends to a mental health facility. WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Executives found it too similar to every other stuck on an island dating program. SHOW: Dustin Nason Unblown (Cancelled). PLOT: Dustin Nason can’t get a blow job to save his life, both figuratively and literally, as a terrorist group gives him 30 minutes to get oral sex or they will ignite a bomb attached to his genitals. WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: The show was only 30 minutes long, and even though Dustin achieves a blow job with a mysterious cloaked person who is also probably a member of the terrorist group, the terrorists didn’t really have an understanding about how to turn off explosives once they set them. SHOW: River by the Bay (Cancelled). PLOT: Becky Welsh is a big-time nail aesthetician from LA who gets displaced from the big city when Jeff, her powerful convenience store manager husband, has an affair with a Red Robin waitress and Becky makes a choice to leave him for a new life in the small town of River by the Bay. While jealous Jeff tries to find her whereabouts, Becky meets an attractive Taco Bell employee who may or may not be the third shift meat hose operator. WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Episode 3, “Suck My Meat Hose,” brought about a lawsuit from Taco Bell and a broke several actors' mouths. SHOW: The Beehaven Chronicles (Cancelled). PLOT: This adaptation of the children’s book series features Abel Applethorpe, a feisty forty-seven-year-old man who moves to a new town and finds a secret world in his own butt, which he names Beehaven. WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: In the books, Abel is ten years old and Beehaven is a secret fairy world he finds in the woods behind his old Victorian house. Not sure why Netflix changed all that but fans were like, “What?” SHOW: Drive Till You Pass Out (Cancelled). PLOT: Stunt driver Daryl Morin drives till he passes out, sometimes crashing his vehicle, but mostly he just pulls off the road and falls asleep. WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Daryl can drive almost forever, so the show is a lot of him driving and listening to podcasts. There’s also a lot of public service announcements about not driving tired, mostly starring Daryl, which seems kind of confusing. SHOW: The Sword and the Goat (Cancelled). PLOT: Parthian Prince Avanar Xaradu must defend his ancestral lands against invading Roman armies. Can he unite his people and use his guile and charm to trick his new enemies? Or will his weakness to have sex with farm animals all the time, impede his chances? WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Historians criticized the series for its misunderstanding of history including that there was a Parthian Prince who fucked goats and cows. But also basically everything else too.  Mike Thompson? Maybe? Mike Thompson wrote this. All of it. He told us he would kill us with his penis.
Me Mike Thompson. Me kill you with penis. Penis so strong. So big. It kill you! Me kill you! With it! My name is Mike Thompson, and I am pleased that the Intergalactic Business Report hired me to be a new “featured writer” for their online magazine. Many of my friends told me to be wary accepting such a position because they had read the Intergalactic Business Report and they found it “scary” and “written by psychopaths" or maybe "really drunk psychopaths.” But it didn’t scare me a bit. A little about myself: (REDACTED). Me have big penis. Me hurt you with it if you come near me. Maybe I even come near you on purpose so I can hit you with my big penis. After Harvard, I took a post graduate position in the U.K., where I used my free time to write a blog about human relationships in a post-modern world. I feel my insights might give readers of this magazine a new perspective on society, our collective history, and contemporary issues. The Intergalactic Business Report seems lacking in this regard because (REDACTED). My penis hard now! That make it more dangerous! ANGHHHHHHHH! Penis HARD! PENIS STRONG! A former employee of the Intergalactic Business Report even contacted me to tell me that the editors will completely alter writers’ articles and crudely "redact" whole sections to make the writer seem perverse or mentally unstable. But why would anyone do that? That would be insane, right? Anyway, I (REDACTED) and I assume no publication anywhere would do such a thing. I look forward to being part of the Intergalactic Business Report team and hope my contributions may offer a bit of enlightenment and comfort in a world where (REDACTED). UGH! Penis now soft! Must leave now and come back when it hard again! I done writing now. Good bye. Mike Thompson |
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