 Every so often, a movie studio announces superhero movie casting decisions and ignites a spontaneous bacchanalia among fans. Other times, the casting choices are met with almost suicidal dismay by the stalwarts who call for purity in comic book storytelling. This week, MCU* released news fans have been waiting to dissect and criticize or praise and masturbate to. The recent actor picks have caused many MCU fans to lose their minds.
We talked to them about whether they approved, condemned, or were just so-so about the announcements. What we found is that no MCU fan is “so-so” about anything. Here’s what they told us: Mike Danvers, Seattle Washington. “I am losing my fucking mind, man. I need medication or something. The MCU casting is causing me to have some kind of unexplained mental breakdown.” Clive Winterseed, Manhattan Kansas. “I’ve been on the edge most of my life, but this decision about the MCU has pushed me into total madness. I am now what you might call a ‘certified lunatic.’” Maria Branja, Unincorporated Oregon. “I told my psychiatrist I was unbreakable and that there was nothing she could do to get in my head. She clearly worked with the MCU studio to get around that.” Chuck Wolverine (legally changed name), Utica New York. “AAAAAAAAARGH! UUUUUNNNNNGH!” Chantelle Musgrave, Oxford Mississippi. “I think my pussy is on fire. Nope. That’s just the hallucinations. Nope. It’s an STD.” Garvey Newsom, Yountville California. “I was seeing things before, but this announcement has taken that to a whole new level. Now I’m being told that you’re a demon and I must slay you. I’m sorry if I’m wrong about that but you will die now.” *Masturbation Clarity Unit. Bachelor exclusive: Whose eyes glaze over best when listening to women trifle? Jesse or Grant?3/13/2025  Ahead of ABC’s “The Bachelor” season 29 finale, the Intergalactic Business Report poses the most important questions ever posed about a television program called The Bachelor. After watching host Jesse “I hardly know her” Palmer and Bachelor Grant Ellis for a full season of temporary harem-building mayhem, many viewers* are comparing the two men’s styles in dealing with plaintive women who alternate between displaying breathless devotion and airing their endless childhood traumas.
Our office is regularly flooded with questions from readers about how it’s possible for straight men to listen so intently to hours of backstories about how important family is, testimonials about “being here for you,” and digs about other women who may not be there for the right reasons. Add in full-on crying sessions and demands to be comforted for begging to be on a show where a man dates 25 different women in which he actually dates 25 women, and most assume CGI must be involved or at least that false “puppet heads” of Grant and Jesse must take their places and realistically nod in agreement and sympathy to the ladies of the show. Fake skulls or not, the Intergalactic Business Report delves deep into a comparison of the two men’s styles and naming a winner in three categories we created to judge them for their very specific skills. Do you have trouble pretend listening to women? Read below and maybe you’ll up your game. Playing styles: JESSE: A consummate professional with only an outside chance of actually getting laid, Jesse plays the avuncular best friend to Grant’s youngblood who’s learning the ropes. Jesse has a distinct advantage because his interactions with the women are usually limited to him bounding into the foyer to give them bad news about Grant “forgoing tonight’s rose ceremony” or popping up inexplicably to announce the “final rose.” But Grant must also host “the women tell all” as well as inexplicably pop up to say “I’m sorry ladies” when they are brutally dismissed from the show. It is in these moments that Jesse displays an expert, non-comital blank stare that is misinterpreted as empathy by women who are pushed out of the mansion faster than their mascara can run. GRANT: The young buck whose basketball skills made him a financier has perfected a three-pronged style of looking confused, angry, and then smiling, which leaves women helpless to him. It also requires little of his face because it has clearly memorized this progression to the point at which it is muscle memory. When women begin to talk so much that Grant’s facial antics may be in doubt, he simply leans in and kisses to shut them up. WINNER: This one goes to Grant, mostly because he’s able to kiss the women on camera. We highly recommend that Jesse start doing this. Eyes glazing over: JESSE: If a face could say, “Why am I listening to this woman blather on when I have zero chance of getting laid? Oh yeah, the money,” that would be Jesse Palmer. Jesse has the unmatched ability to both convey what every man in the universe is thinking and also maintain eye contact that makes women believe he is their gay best friend. GRANT: Also accomplished at the “Imma stare at you till you stop speaking” look that puts women at ease as they go on and on about being teased as a teenager for not being beautiful, Grant excels in letting his eyes glaze over to the point of blinking and almost having to look away but holding steady nonetheless. Men remark that during many of Grant’s opposite sex stare downs they fully expected him to pull out his phone and start scrolling. But he didn’t. Unreal discipline. WINNER: Although we have ultimate respect for Grant’s eye game, Jesse wins this one on the sheer desperation of his face, which seems to beg for relief from the endless din of female discontentment. We may be awarding this out of pity. Shit they say: JESSE: Jesse keeps his talk game tight. We gather this is mostly because if he were to express himself honestly it would probably be by making a long, extended fart noise followed by hitting himself in the face—so hard he goes dark. It is this seething energy that makes Jesse so sympathetic to our readers. One of them writes** to us: “If Jesse babysat my cat, I feel it would end badly. Like I’d come home and they’d both be gone and living in the wild somewhere.” GRANT: We love that Grant will sometimes just start singing. This is an element of his game that brings him to a new level of confusing and thus disarms the women of the show. When women cry, Grant just tells them that their unstable behavior is a sign that they are “opening up” to him, and not presenting an image of what life will be like with them every waking moment of their married life until he “opens up” a door and walks out. WINNER: Jesse wins this on the basis that we had already decided that Jesse would win and this therefore makes sense. Overall winner: Jesse Palmer. This former Florida football star/sensitive Canadian is the perfect dichotomy for appearing to authentically communicate with needy women in a controlled environment within time limits. No one does it better. *We view The Bachelor, so we are viewers. “Many” is a subjective term that we feel ranges between 1 and 57,000. **We read our own writing. Technically, that makes us “one of our readers.”  Did we just become best friends? Many of us can effortlessly quote films like “Step Brothers,” “Caddy Shack,” and even “Goodfellas.” But those magical cinema moments are just what made it to the final cut. Hundreds of deleted scenes exist, and while some of them were snipped to save time, others were discarded because they would have totally altered the movies we love.
This week, we dug deep into our movie vault and discovered never-used scenes that, if included, may have changed the way we see our most cherished entertainment productions forever. Probably for the better. Deleted scenes from your favorite movies that change everything. Rain Main. In a deleted scene from their trip to Las Vegas, Dustin Hoffman’s character, Raymond, says, “I’m not actually retarded. Let’s get laid.” Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Phoebe Cates sees Judge Reinhold whacking off and she’s into it. My Best Friend’s Wedding. Dermot Mulroney has sex with a prostitute who holds a loaded gun in his mouth so he can get an erection. Goodfellas. Joe Pesci gets his shine box and shines the guy’s shoes. It’s awkward. And he doesn’t do a great job, so the tip isn’t good. Indecent proposal. In revenge for what his wife did, Woody Harrelson sucks off a hobo for 15 dollars. In a twist, Woody pays him, thus proving it really wasn’t ever about the money. Love Actually. Andrew Lincoln’s last card to Keira Knightley reads: “Let’s fuck?” Gone with the Wind. In the original cut, Clark Gable doesn’t say: “I don’t give a damn.” In the lost scene, he says, “Yeah… You make a good point,” but he just says that because he’s not really listening. Then he’s like, “Yeah…” again. And he follows that up with, “I’ve got a thing to get to, but I’ll be back later. Peace.” Taxi Driver. Travis Bickell looks in a mirror and says, “You talking to me?” And the mirror says, “Yeah.” And that’s the end of it. How to lose a guy in ten days. When Kate Hudson names Matthew McConaughey’s dick Princess Sophia, he tries to have sex with her anyway because guys don’t really care about that. My Best Friend’s Wedding (BONUS). Dermot Mulroney and Julia Roberts murder a hobo and laugh. Because that’s the kind of shit they did during all their fun adventures between the ages of 20 and 28. Menace II Society. When the crackhead offers to suck O-Dog’s dick, he agrees. He also decides that he’s actually pretty hungry and takes the cheeseburgers too.  Don't trust "Chase." So your bestie is dating a new guy named Chase. He seems O.K. but there’s something “off” about him. He’s attractive, charming, and seems to have a lot of money. Except that he keeps asking Tara (that’s your best friend) for loans because all his assets are “tied up overseas.”
Here’s my advice: I always tell people in this situation to “stay in the first act.” You’re safest there. The “first act” is before Chase starts to unravel and show his severe PTSD, try to sex traffic you, or flat out murder you. Let’s say you’re at Tara’s house for a cookout and Chase has taken over the grill because “he makes the best burgers in the world” or whatever bullshit he’s bragging about now. He’s just standing there, flipping burgers and putting on that faux sexy grin to try to show you and everyone else that he’s nothing more than a hot sexy man at a barbecue. The smoke from the grill rolls over him like it doesn’t even affect him. He’s in it. Deep. He’s from a romance novel where a fucktastic pirate appears in the mist before he pulls your panties off. What I’m saying is that there’s something off about this guy. You notice him lose his temper with Tara when she drops some of the hamburger buns on the lawn. He says, “What are you? Stupid?” Which would be so hot if he said it in a hot way, which he kind of did, so maybe it’s just a misunderstanding and you should pick up those buns and apologize to him, which Tara doesn’t. Everyone sees the incident. Including me, obviously, and I’m just thinking to myself, yeah, he’s super-hot. And yes, he’s so hot. But he can’t treat my best friend that way. So WARNING, if you get to this point, you’re dangerously close to leaving the first act. In the second act, you start asking Tara stuff about Chase’s past, like how he was in the marines and probably could do a million pullups without his shirt on. You ask her (and this is the kiss of death) how well she knows him, and she gets super defensive and says something to you like, “I love him!” and then accuses you of being jealous. Like, yeah, right, you’re jealous about her and hot dumb Chase who probably spends all his time doing marine workouts and penis exercises. Whatever. If you’re dumb enough to question Tara, she’ll start to distance herself, and when this happens, you’re definitely not going to see Chase as much anymore, so how are you going to keep an eye on him? Again, stay in the first act where you can keep coming over to the house, watch Chase do stuff, and watch him do other stuff. Who knows, they may have a pool party or something where Chase has his shirt off and maybe he has some tattoos on his biceps that you can wonder about and maybe touch or whatever. But I need to remember who I’m writing this to. You’re going to move right into the next act because you can’t control yourself. You’re a heaving, sloppy mess and have trouble regulating your desires. When people say, “Hey, keep your panties on” they mean it literally in your case. But more about Chase… You haven’t seen Tara in weeks after you interrogated her, so you decide to go second act deep by following Chase around to find out what he’s really up to. You see him at the gym. That’s where you sneakily peer through the window to watch him lift weights, do some cardio, and get hit on by a shit ton of women. Maybe he’s cheating on Tara? Nope. He leaves the gym and starts driving somewhere. He goes to some office park in the middle of nowhere. That’s weird. You park behind another building and sneak out to see him talking to a man who looks super dangerous and rough and scary but not in the hot way that Chase embodies all those things. They see you and you high heel it back to your car and take off. A week later, you’re at work as an interior designer and your boss (who probably won a Lifetime movie contest and gets to say one stupid fucking line) delivers his one stupid fucking line: “Hey Tessa, there’s a potential new client who asked to speak to you.” You walk to the reception desk and there he is—Chase, wearing a suit and looking like he could be getting married in it. What’s he doing here? He just wants to talk. He wants to clear the air. You have coffee at a nearby café and he goes on and on about how the two of you “got off on the wrong foot” and that he really loves Tara and he knows how important your friendship is to her and he just wants to make everything right. WARNING: this is a critical point in act two of your life (time) story. If you reject him, then he and the guy from the office park will almost certainly sex traffic you. If you totally accept his gesture of peace, then he may sex traffic Tara. So you’re cautious and try to reserve judgment. You say, “I’m sorry, Chase, if I didn’t give you a fair chance. I’m willing to hit ‘refresh’ on our relationship.” He'll probably smile at this point and Jesus, he has perfect teeth. Like how do you even get teeth like that? Is it genetics? Because he doesn’t seem to be the kind of guy who would get work done on himself—he’s way too secure in his attractiveness. Then, as you’re gazing at his jaw line, which is also fucking perfect, he says something that changes everything. “Tara and I are having a baby,” he tells you. Hold. The fuck. Up. How is that even possible? Every time you sat in that tree outside Tara’s house and watched them have sex, Chase used a condom. You have fucking video. Unless they did it some other time, where you didn’t see it, which seems very fucking unlikely since this has become a 24-hour kind of surveillance thing that’s tearing your life apart. This is where it’s very difficult to stay in the act. You can’t let your best friend have a baby with this man. You ask if Tara is pregnant or if this is something they’re planning. Chase says she’s been pregnant for three and a half months and they’re just telling people now. Holy fuck. They’ve only been dating for like a year. That’s way too fast. So you start grilling Chase. Why did he call Tara stupid at the cookout? Who was that creepy dude at the office park? What about the loans and the overseas accounts? Chase looks concerned. And he should be because you’re onto his shit. He says he never said the thing about Tara being stupid and that maybe you misheard him. He saw you at the office park where he was helping his cousin move some stuff. And the loans? “What loans?” he asks. Then he starts getting super defensive. “Have you been following me?” he whimpers. At this point, you’re seriously close to getting murdered by Chase and the only way out is a little unorthodox. I tried to warn you not to get here, but you went ahead and defied my advice. Listen carefully and I can still get you out of this alive. First, after talking with Chase at the café, keep your distance, meaning don’t let him or Tara know you’re watching them at all. Take every precaution. Then, wait till the baby is born. Next, to protect the baby from Chase, steal the baby and raise it as your own. But also realize that the baby needs his father, so let Chase come with you and hope stupid Tara doesn’t get in the way of your happiness. Be strong. You’re doing this for your best friend and her daughter. Tessa Miggs is the relationship and dating expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. She can be reached at [email protected]  Revered news publication cheatsheet.com named Cat Stevens’ “Peace Train” as music’s most hypocritical song. Peace Train, which focuses on people living together in harmony, became hypocritical, according to cheatsheet, when Stevens supported a fatwa against author Salman Rushdie for his novel The Satanic Verses.
Although all this happened in 1989, cheatsheet was able to bring the story all the way to the present because no one had ever heard of it thirty-some years ago. Now the Intergalactic Business Report delves deeper into the conversation as it exposes other totally hypocritical songs. We discovered unreleased music that offers us shocking insight into the hypocrisy of hypocritical music (hyp crit rock, as it is called by many). Below we list (in no particular order) songs that might be the most hypocritical of them all: Unreleased songs that are more hypocritical than “Peace Train.” Michael Jackson: “Gimme that age-appropriate love.” Led Zeppelin: “Lord of the Rings is for dorks.” Leonard Nimoy: “The illogical song.” Corey Feldman: “This isn’t uncomfortable watching me do this.” Cold Play: “Not the intro music to a gay orgy.” The Allman Brothers: “Don’t need drugs to enjoy tonight.” Jermaine Stewart: “We don’t have to have to take our clothes off… To see that I don’t have an erection. Because you’re a woman.”  Known for his celebrity connections, fame, and complicated relationship with Ryan Reynolds, Ed Mountaineer’s new screenplay, “What’s wrong with this guy?” is almost completed. This week, we offer you an inside look at what it’s all about. Below is an exclusive excerpt:
EXT. FRATERNITY HOUSE BACKYARD – LATER Ed is a little drunk and holds a red solo cup. He drinks near a keg outside. Dave is with him. A BLONDE steps up to the keg. BLONDE Can you pour me one? Ed pours her a cup and hands it to her. BLONDE Thanks. I heard what you did with your penis. DAVE What did he do? BLONDE He took it off and beat some guys up with it. DAVE He did what? BLONDE Never seen anything like it. My name’s Lucy. ED Hey, Lucy. BLONDE And what’s your name? ED It’s Ed. BLONDE Do you want to go out sometime, Ed? ED Yes. The blonde walks away. DAVE What’s she talking about, Ed? ED It’s just a thing I’m able to do. It’s weird. I used to be ashamed about it, but it’s kind of like a whole thing I don’t want to get into right now. DAVE O.K. Ed sips his beer. (V.O.) As I drank my beer I started thinking about how cool it must have looked to see someone get beat up with a penis. It must have been cool for Lucy. Oh, and the thing where I laser-beamed the couch was made up. That part didn’t really happen. But the part where I took off my dick was actually real. DAVE You are crazy, man. ED I know. (beat) Hey, I’m gonna head back. I need to get up early tomorrow. DAVE Later. Ed waves bye. EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT Ed walks home through a quad. Streetlights shine along his way. He reaches into his pants and pulls out a huge, flesh colored dildo. He peeks inside his underwear and sees his real dick there. ED Yup. Still there. (Secret note to the director: Ed never really took off his penis. He just carried around a huge fake one and everybody thought it was his real one. But it wasn’t. His real dick is much smaller. But attached. So what Ed said in the voiceover above was a lie. Except for the laser beam part. That was true. Meaning that it was true he DIDN’T laser beam a couch. The part about the separable penis was a lie.) Ed Mountaineer is a famous columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Relationships are hard work, and they require understanding, compromise, and emotional support. What happened to an Oregon man, who thought he’d met “the one,” is a cautionary tale so incendiary, it set the internet on fire. “Butch,” was a regular guy—beers on the weekend at a local bar, barbecues with family, and a solid blue-collar job. One Saturday night, while throwing a few back at Touchdown’s Sports Bar, he met “Cindy,” a cute little thing who preferred denim and cowboy boots to black cocktail dresses and heels. She was the kind of down-to-earth, friendly, hometown girl Butch had always dreamed about. They found each other at the bar and started an innocent flirtation. Something clicked between them and Butch knew she was different than the other women he knew around town. But what happened next was something he could never have guessed. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)    Cindy suggested they share a drink together, and before either of them realized, they’d been talking and sipping beers for nearly three hours in a booth. Butch’s friends tried in vain to pull him away a few times, and they finally gave up. Butch wanted to know everything about Cindy and she seemed to want the same of him. It was like they’d known each other forever but forgotten the details. Now was their chance to catch up. As the bar hit last call, Butch suggested they continue their conversation at an all-night diner he knew. Cindy peeked at her watch and looked nervous. She told him that she’d forgot the time and needed to run. Butch, known among his friends as a guy who couldn’t be tied down, was suddenly at a loss. He wanted more. And not just sex. Cindy had something he’d never seen before. Cindy got up to leave. But then she turned and told Butch: “I really had fun tonight. Can we do it again soon?” Butch beamed with relief. He tried to compose himself, but something about her was too much. He just nodded his head and asked, “Can I get your number?” But Cindy just giggled and told him, “You don’t need that.” Butch was confused. “How am I going to reach you?” “Don’t worry about that,” Cindy told him. Before he knew it, she was gone, and he wondered if he’d ever actually see her again. What he didn’t know, was that seeing her again would be the least of his worries. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)    Butch went back to Touchdown’s the next night, hoping to find Cindy, but he had no such luck. He returned again, evening after evening, but she never materialized. After a while, he began to think his meeting with her was just a dream. She seemed so perfect, after all. Following a couple months of looking, Butch gave up. There were plenty of other girls, and a lot of them were interested. He went on a few dates but something about them were off. Hard as he tried, Butch couldn't get Cindy off his mind. He started to wonder if he’d met his soulmate in her. Maybe the universe had brought them together for a brief moment, and then moved them apart. But his life wasn’t some silly romance novel. Or was it? Then, just as Butch was ready to give up, he looked over from his barstool to see Cindy strolling through the door like she owned the place. She walked over to him and what she told him would change his life forever. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)  Cindy whispered in Butch’s ear. If you were there that night, and saw him, you’d see a look of confusion on his face. She then gave him a slip of paper and left. Butch read it carefully and his confusion turned to more confusion and then… Rage. What did the note say? (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)  Butch ran out into the parking lot. He furiously looked around for Cindy. Then he stared again at the note. It began with: “Dear Butch. I have a secret that you need to know…” Butch looked up. Cindy was right in front of him. She asked him if he read the note. He nodded. What she said next, changed everything. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)  After reading the note and hearing what Cindy said, Butch calmed himself down and asked Cindy a simple question: “Why?” Although she had a steely, almost unbreakable demeanor, she began to cry uncontrollably. Butch held and comforted her. He whispered now: “Why?” “Read the note again,” she urged him. “Read it out loud.” He started reading. “Dear Butch. I have a secret that you need to know. Even though I seem like a normal, fun-loving girl, I have something dark to tell you that I’ve never shared with anyone else before.” Butch gulped. He didn’t want to read what came next. But Cindy assured him it would be o.k. “Go on,” she said. “Read the next line.” What came out of Butch’s mouth next were words neither of them thought could ever be spoken by another human being. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)   What once was a day of pumpkins, spooky decorations, and joy has become a regretful time many overweight, middle-aged men wish would just be over already. No longer able to pull off clever, witty costumes that defined their youths, this demographic has shifted from ubeat celebrants of a wholesome holiday focused on slutty kitty cat outfits and devil worship, to depressed candy bowl holders who warn children to “just take one.”
This Halloween, the Intergalactic Business Report offers these men a last-minute reprieve so that they may once again enjoy the spectacle of the season. If you’re a little fat, shocked at the grotesque statue of decay you’ve become, and want to have a little fun again, we offer you some last-minute costume ideas that will not only get you through the day, but might forever alter your life. Last minute Halloween costumes for overweight, middle-aged men. Fat Harry Hamlin from LA Law. This is what Harry Hamlin’s character from LA Law would be today if he lost most of his hair, gained a shitload of weight, and was a recovering alcoholic. Life-didn’t-work-out dude. Mostly this is a great comeback when someone sardonically asks you what you’re “supposed to be” for Halloween because they think you were too fucking lazy to come up with a costume idea. Joke’s on them. You’re a loser in life and for pretend. The fanny pincher. Keep pinching those fannies till someone figures it out. Peaked in high school. Perhaps the easiest of all costumes, just find your old letter jacket and try to fit it on your fat body. Everyone will immediately get the picture. Big Ted. Just wear a flannel shirt and do a low, chortly laugh that hides your pain, but not really. Whoops, my penis slipped out of my tight Wrangler jeans (adult parties only). This is the one time of year where this could work so take advantage. Unable to control his movements Fred. Wear anything you want, but knock shit over constantly because tonight you’re Fred, who can’t control any of his movements. Sorry about the punch bowl. And for hitting you in the face multiple times. Unable to control his bowel movements Tony. Tony? What did you do? Take a shit on my living room floor? Again? Freak Ho. You’re a saucy lady who will have sex with anyone for money or a handshake with a promise to pay in the future. This should be one of the easiest costumes to pull off, because you constantly have to do that when you have sex with random humans. Dangerous, unpredictable Jerry. No one knows what Jerry’s gonna do next, but rest assured, it will be violent and out of nowhere. Get ready for some inappropriate face-slapping action and police take downs as you introduce your friends and family to your temporary persona as a man with a hair trigger temper who doesn’t recognize the laws of man.  So many pumpkins, so little time. Every October the horror movie industry pushes films that promise to shock, surprise, and terrify. Then we watch them and it’s like “pfffffft” (farting sound). This Halloween season, instead of watching recycled ghost stories and junior high jump scares, we’ve curated a “must see” list of brand new, chilling movies that will give you nightmares you may never come back from.
Pumpkin Fuckers 5. This “found footage” masterpiece is about a bunch of sweaty men who have sex with pumpkins. Although there’s not a lot of dialogue, one of the guys asks for a new pumpkin because he’s already destroyed the one they gave him with his dick. (Spoiler: they bring him one and he has sex with it). While this isn’t traditional Halloween fare, horror connoisseurs will appreciate the close-up penetration shots and other stuff as well. Note: Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4 are similar in plot, but we suggest the fifth one because there are more guys and more pumpkins. Freaks on a Boat. What’s that in the distance? Is it a ghost ship floating in the bay? Wait a second… As the camera zooms in, we see it’s a group of men having sex with pumpkins…. On a boat? Yes, it’s a freak show. Yes, it’s dudes pounding pumpkins. Yes, you need to watch it. The Patch. The title tricks the viewer from the start. Is this about a pirate who wears an eye patch? But then, minds are blown when it’s revealed that this is not about a pirate at all, and the word “patch” refers to a pumpkin patch—one where strange men arrive to have sex with all the pumpkins. Unlike other pumpkin fucking movies, this one is outdoors but not on a boat. Instead, it takes place at what looks like an actual pumpkin patch. In one spooky scene, we catch a glimpse of the farmer who agreed to let these guys fuck his pumpkins. He looks kind of pissed off, as if he wants to say, “Why did I let these guys do this to my pumpkins? I can’t sell these now.” Or can he? Behind the Patch. In this documentary, we see behind the scenes footage of how “the Patch” was made. As speculated, the farmer who let the film crew and actors into his pumpkin patch was not totally clear on what was going on, probably because he doesn’t speak English really well. We see tensions rise as some money is exchanged for the use of the property but then all the pumpkins are violated. By the end, we see the farmer screaming in a foreign language at the film producers. The subtitles read: “Why are these men having sex with my pumpkins? I can’t sell them now!” Or can he? Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4. We kind of lied about how Pumpkin Fuckers 5 was better than Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4. They’re all pretty much the same. Just pick one. Or pick them all. It doesn’t really matter.  "The building offers us everything we need." Discovery show “Love off the grid” features couples trying to make it when one of them is an agoraphobic shut-in who uses the excuse of really loving nature to lure a mate into isolation and an eternal existence with his or her captor/lover. Each episode is like the first act of a Lifetime horror movie, replete with eerie reaction shots from the hermetic tinder swipe gone wrong as she questions why her hostage would ever want to leave her murder house in the middle of nowhere.
IBR productions, the entertainment extension of the Intergalactic Business Report, now offers what many naysayers will call a “rip off” or “ill-conceived” mirror image of “love off the grid,” the title of which we conjured by changing one word. Yes, there are similarities. Our series also features lunatics with an unsettling devotion to place, but instead of being in the middle of nowhere, our would-be long term relationshipers dwell in hot smelly cities. Let’s introduce to you our cast for season one: Brian Soplovich. Brian lives in a duplex in Chicago. When he’s not fighting people for a parking spot in front of his house he calls “dibs,” he’s arguing with Nora, his beloved partner who moved there to be with him because he captivated her with tales of pizza and hot dogs with no ketchup. Now she’s cooking ramen while he yells at his Chinese neighbor. Jimmy O’Toole. Jimmy is from Boston. This masshole gets fidgety when he leaves the confines of his neighborhood where he is like the mayor, except he isn’t. Becky, his paramour from Iowa, arrives with hope in her heart, which is slowly crushed by Jimmy’s endless stories about the Bruins, Redsox, Patriots, and Celtics that usually end with the proclamation, “Well, dat’s Boston for ya. Bazoomba!” (Spoiler: Jimmy’s not really from Boston, making this all kinds of more fucked up.) Leslie Gluckman. Leslie lives in an upper west side building where she has really good delivery service. Ronnie is the man who met her online and now lives with her in her 700 square foot apartment. Ronnie thinks the take-out food is great, but he’d like to eat at one of the various restaurants outside the building. Leslie freaks out when he says this because she thought he came there to live with her, in the “building.” “I love the building,” Ronnie insists. “I just want to go outside.” Leslie just responds with, “the building offers us everything we need.” Yes, Leslie murders him eventually and production stops. Sam Goorleyneck. Sam is on disability in the suburbs of Denver. Didn’t fight in a war. Just became disabled when he hit 479 pounds and broke his hip trying to mount a scooter at a Walmart. Tiffany, a waitress from Caledonia, New York, is his new caretaker/lover. When she leaves Sam’s house using the excuse of going to buy him more hot pockets, Sam checks the massive freezer and sees that not only are there ample amounts of the frozen delicacy that’s hot when cooked in a pocket, but there are also pizza rolls for days and even months. In a fury, he calls to his trusty steed, which is a hoveround with bumper stickers on it, and pursues Tiffany as she drives away. This alone is worth watching the entire season. Phil Ratuliak. Phil is on a cul-de-sac in a housing development outside Dallas. Phil don’t like it when people knock on his door and bovver him. Until… Sandy, the pleasant if a little mentally challenged (but not so much she can’t make her own decisions) girl from Alaska shows up to be his companion. Sandy is allowed to explore the cul-de-sac without Phil, and she believes what he has taught her—that what lies beyond is pure evil. When she sees kids on a playground just outside the imagined barrier, she begins to question Phil’s teachings. Uh oh. Phil’s not gonna like dat. Ryan Reynolds. By far the most intriguing character on the show, mostly because he has in no way agreed to do it, Reynolds lives in a Canadian mansion he can’t leave because he’s so fucking famous he’ll get mobbed by fans if he goes grocery shopping. When he’s not whisked away to make crappy movies, he is isolated in his home alone until he tricks a young actress, Blake Lively, to live with him. Then the horror show begins as he teaches her to ice fish in his man-made pond and she wakes up each morning to self-deprecating humor and cutesy remarks that are meant to be endearing but instead chill her as if she’s just entered a meat freezer (which he has too, just so he doesn’t have to leave to go shopping for meat. Makes sense, if you can afford it). |
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