NOTE THAT THIS EXCERPT IS TAKEN FROM A RANDOM PAGE OF ED’S NOVEL. THE EDITORS BELIEVE THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO SHOW HIS TALENT. BECAUSE OF THIS, IT MAY NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. SORRY.
“Hahaaaaaaaaa,” laughed Stanley, pleased with his victory over the Ms. Pacman machine. But each time he won, she came back again, hungry for more, pushing him more. If only he could have sex with her the way he had with the space invaders…
“Wake up!” shouted Bella, who had crept up next to him. “We’re gonna be late for Slamfest!”
Stanley remembered what she was talking about. Slamfest. The biggest orgy in Beavertown. Last year, his tickets had been revoked when corrupt officials prevented him from entering. Randy Fuhstinkin and his crew were let in. So were all the others. And Stanley had waited outside all night, his dick in his hand, literally and figuratively.
“I only go to orgies where we’ve signed a contract first,” Stanley stated boldly.
Bella seemed confused. “Orgy? I’m talking about a poetry slam.”
At that moment, Stanley realized why he’d been banned last year from Slamfest.
HERE’S ANOTHER EXCERPT:
“You have such tiny balls,” the hooker said.
“Don’t look at them!” Stanley menaced.
“But you just paid me twenty dollars and said, ‘look at my tiny balls.’”
“Arrgghhh!” Stanley shouted as he destroyed his Happy Days lunch box.
“They’re not that small,” she said, trying to make him feel better.
“No. No, I want you to tell me they’re small and then I freak out. That’s how it works!”
ONE MORE EXCERPT:
Stanley scanned the banana factory. He was in range for a kill shot if Michael Dragonion ever showed his face. For now, Stanley would just need to crouch behind the nearest bunch of yellow nature schlongs and bide his time.
And then… Dragonion appeared. Nope. That wasn’t him. Stanley continued to wait. Until… Finally… Nope. Not him either. Fuck this.
Look for Ed’s book everywhere soon. We’ll be publishing more teasers as we get close to a release date. In the meanwhile, we hope this has whetted your appetite, whatever that means.
Into Star Wars? The Intergalactic Business Report has collected some of the most trended and talked about fan theories about Chewbacca, Han Solo’s pet wookie. If you haven’t heard these yet, be prepared. Some of them are out of this world... And solar system!
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY ONE: Chewbacca is Han Solo’s sex slave.
PROOF: He’s Han Solo’s pet and therefore must have sex with his master. He also has sex with people and space aliens in front of Han Solo for his enjoyment. Unbeknownst to Han Solo, Chewbacca had sex with Princess Leia. Then he lied about it by making that wailing noise he makes, which nobody understands anyway.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY TWO: Chewbacca is Michael Myers from Halloween.
PROOF: He never speaks. Only grunts. Kills tons of people. Has murderous eyes. Fucking hates Halloween (the holiday, not the movie). Has sex with cheerleaders.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY THREE: Chewbacca isn’t a wookie. He’s just some dude.
PROOF: Wookies are a race of creatures Chewbacca made up because he was embarrassed by his hairiness and terrible communications skills.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FOUR: Han Solo beats Chewbacca.
PROOF: In an outtake, we see Han Solo bring out a leash between scenes and threaten Chewbacca with it, as if to say, “I’ll whip you with this if you don’t say your lines right.”
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FIVE: Chewbacca is married to Han Solo.
PROOF: In one scene, you can see they have matching wedding rings. Look for it.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SIX: Chewbacca’s crossbow weapon was given to him because Han Solo didn’t want him to have a cool pistol like his.
PROOF: Motherfucking Han Solo. It’s totally something he’d do.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SEVEN: The reason Chewbacca doesn’t receive a medal at the end of “A new Hope,” is because he had sex with the guy giving out the medals and it was just embarrassing to be called up on stage and face him after pounding him for like three hours straight in the bathroom in the Millenium Falcon.
PROOF: Just look at the guy’s face. Then look at Chewbacca. That says it all.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY EIGHT: Before meeting Han Solo, Chewbacca wore clothes. Then Han Solo was like, “Nope. My pet doesn’t wear a shirt and tie. Fuck it, let’s make him naked.”
PROOF: Throughout the Star Wars movies, Chewbacca wears no clothes. Case rested.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY NINE: Chewbacca’s fingers are all penises.
PROOF: You can’t see them, because he’s so hairy, but yes, sure enough, they are all penises. Even his thumbs.
Let’s face it. When you see a movie you usually end up seeing whatever the director and the movie studio made you see. But did you know there are actually alternative endings to some of your favorite movies?
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report opens its vault of unseen* film endings and shares them with you like we’re giving you a glass of water and you’re thirsty, like maybe you ran through a desert and forgot to bring any water.
THE FILM: The “Fugitive,” starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones.
THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: After proving his own innocence, Dr. Richard Kimble is exonerated of the crime of killing his wife.
THE UNSEEN ENDING: It was all a dream. Dr. Kimble isn’t a doctor. He also doesn’t have a wife. He just wakes up in a hammock in his back yard and some dude hands him a beer and tells him the game’s about to begin. Kimble smiles and says he’ll be right there. But he can’t get out and can’t grab the beer because he has no arms.
THE FILM: “Pretty Pink” starring Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald.
THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Working class high school senior Andie makes out with rich kid Blane in the parking lot of their senior prom.
THE UNSEEN ENDING: As Blane and Andie kiss outside, Duckie, Andie’s friend who crushes on her, watches them from a bathroom in the hotel and he masturbates. The movie ends with a close up of his face as he reaches a climax.
THE FILM: “Point Break,” starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze.
THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Surfer-criminal Bhodi realizes the gig is up and escapes into a massive wave while FBI agent Johnny looks on.
THE UNSEEN ENDING: Johnny captures Bhodi at a In-N-Out burger and offers him a final meal before bringing him in. Bhodi chooses a Double Double, fries, and a strawberry shake. He eats in silence.
THE FILM: “Top Gun,” starring Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis.
THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Navy fighter pilot Maverick and female top gun instructor “Charlie” meet up in a bar and rekindle their forbidden affair.
THE UNSEEN ENDING: Charlie is a dude. Same ending.
THE FILM: “The Shining,” starring Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall.
THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Deranged writer-dad Jack Torrance freezes to death while trying to track his son Danny through a snowy maze so that he can kill him.
THE UNSEEN ENDING: Just before Jack is going to murder his family, the phone rings and it’s a publisher who tells him he wants to buy his book, “All work and no play,” for a million dollars. Jack happily accepts and apologizes to his wife and son for acting so crazy lately.
*Also unmade and unfilmed.
Following our last report about the guy who took the time to post on Facebook that Ed Mountaineer’s article about the Joker was the “biggest waste of time ever,” several new developments have occurred.
First, another totally different guy took the time to post that he agreed with the first guy’s assessment and added that that “it (the article) would have been worth it if it were funny…” and then he paused to leave the killer ending to his comment which was simply: “It wasn’t,” sending daggers into the hearts of everyone on our team who had been reading and hoping that Guy Number Two might end the sentence with a surprise, positive review…. he didn’t.
Then, with a flourish worthy of the greatest critical minds of the past few centuries,
Guy Number One came back to say, brilliantly, “Arthur Fleck is funnier than this guy.”
We looked it up and Arthur Fleck is the name of the Joker before he becomes the Joker in the Joker movie. Very sneaky, Guy One. But, again, brilliant.
We thought maybe this display of genius critical analysis had ended, but it wasn’t over yet. In what can only be described as a stunning twist, a third guy, who had been lurking in the wings and reading the comments of the first two guys, submitted his own, extraordinary take on the situation and that was that Ed “…is the perfect person to judge the portrayals he himself admits he’s never seen…” Guy Number Three then offered a devastating conclusion by saying, “Enough said.”
The question remains whether Guy Number Three has the power to end all conversation about our Joker article by simply saying, “Enough said.” Will Guys Numbers One and Two silently internet nod to him in a sign of deference, or will they go counter to his proclamation by saying something else? We can only wait patiently and see.
Recently, Ed Mountaineer’s article about the Joker received a superlative, but short review from a reader who called it the “biggest waste of time ever.” Dusty Latouffe, our Supreme Editor, reacts.
Dear IBR readers:
As the Supreme Editor of the Intergalactic Business Report, I receive a lot of feedback and comments from our fans. But it is seldom that we touch a reader’s soul so deeply that he takes the time to tell us that what we wrote reaches the level of the biggest waste of time in his (and anyone else’s) life.
To put this in context, imagine all the events in your life that you would consider a waste of time. This would include whacking off after you already whacked off but you had nothing else to do so you did it anyway and it didn’t work so you just stopped and went to see if Baywatch was on. It would also include that time you spent four hours trying to help that foreign guy at the bus stop only to find out he wasn’t foreign, but just from Alabama, and he was trying to get you to join a cult. And don’t forget about the 46 hour bender where you wrote your young adult novel about supernatural teenagers who were made out of bread and got soggy when it rained. Reading Ed’s 662-word article beats all of that.
So, we thank the guy who put one of our articles on the top of not only his list, but yours. At IBR, we pride ourselves on being the biggest, best, and the most, and today we kind of proved that. Keep reading and we’ll keep delivering news and insights so important they go beyond our galaxy.
Thanks for making us number one again,
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report
A lot of people ask me, “Ed, are you the only one on the planet who tells the truth?” My answer to them: “How much do you charge for just a blowjob?” I ask them that because they are right. I’m the only one who actually tells the truth, and I want to know how much it costs for a blow job.
When I’m not thinking about the price of sex, I’m almost 100% focused on the Joker, which makes me the perfect person to write an opinion article about which actor portrayed the character best.
Using my deep understanding and decades of knowledge on this subject, I came to a final and definitive conclusion about who was the greatest Joker. I focused on six performances I feel are most important. Then I dissected and analyzed them in such detail that I don’t think any other human being could seriously say they worked harder for an answer about anything ever in their pathetic lives.
What comes next is intended to, once and for all, end all arguments about this subject forever. Read on.
CESAR ROMERO: The ultimate Joker, Romero held court in the whacky camp version of the Batman universe. Jokers should make you laugh, right? And although I can’t totally remember any episodes or lines Romero had, I do recall him being pretty damn funny. I’m kind of laughing right now in my head just thinking about it.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX: I haven’t seen the newest “Joker” movie yet, but from what I can tell, it doesn’t live up to the same standards as Cesar Romero in the whacky camp version of the Batman universe. What’s funny about Joaquin Phoenix besides his silly name? Answer: not much. Maybe if he made a movie called, “Joaquin Phoenix” I would go see that because it would have to be hilarious, right? Wrong. It would suck.
JARED LETO: Jared Leto was in “My So Called Life.” That’s why I like to call his version of the Joker “My So Called Joker.” Get it? Also, I didn’t see Suicide Squad because it looked kind of dumb.
JACK NICHOLSON: “Wait till they get a load of me,” Nicholson’s joker boasted in the trailer for the 80’s Batman film he was in. I didn’t watch this one, I think, so I never received his load? Wait. Was this one a porn? Jack Nicholson did porn in the 80’s? Someone’s yelling at me and confirming that yes, he did.
HEATH LEDGER: Heath Ledger was a great actor… In “Ten things I hate about you,” and some other stuff. As for his portrayal of the joker? I have no idea, because I didn’t see the movie. I’m guessing, though, that it didn’t reach the heights Cesar Romero did in the fun, camp, whacky version of the Batman universe, where he portrayed the “clown prince” in a way that was both camp, funny, and yes, even whacky.
JEFF REFFARD: Jeff Reffard is my neighbor who, like probably ten million other cake-humpers is planning to dress up as the Joker for Halloween this year. I’m going to guess his portrayal of the Joker will be pretty much exactly like everyone else’s and that he’ll probably try to do a stupid Joker laugh every time he sees people. Jeff’s like thirty something years old too. When do you stop dressing up for Halloween anyway? Fuck Jeff Reffard’s Joker is I guess what I’m saying.
THE WINNER: Cesar Romero, whose whacky, camp version of the joker brought fun and merriment with its camp whackiness.
THE LOSER: Although technically everyone besides Cesar Romero lost in this contest, Jeff Reffard is the true loser who I’m going to call out right now because he sucks so hard. At least those other guys whose movies I didn’t see were hired to play the Joker. Jeff hired himself and paid for a costume, which makes him the biggest loser of them all. Fuck Jeff. And fuck Jeff too.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. His views almost directly coincide with everything we believe in and cherish with no reservations or hesitation whatsoever. When he writes something, we just nod our heads before we even read it. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Wanna travel the world like a pro?* The Intergalactic Business Report gives you seven unbelievable travel hacks that will change the way you do everything.
THE PROBLEM: You get off your flight and wait an hour for your suitcase to show up on the baggage claim turnstile.
THE HACK: Pack yourself inside your bag and just walk out of your luggage when you feel it moving on a conveyor belt.
THE PROBLEM: You have to show your ID or passport to some TSA agent or foreign official.
THE HACK: Create your own badge that says TSA Four Star General, and tell the agent to grovel before you.
THE PROBLEM: You go to a crappy airport store and pay $75 for a pack of Mentos and a bottle of water.
THE HACK: Make your own Mentos using toothpaste, old gum, and a soldering tool. Sneak these into the airport in your butthole, even though it’s not illegal to have homemade Mentos. Then make yourself totally independent of water by never drinking it or any liquid again. That solves both problems. Good job.
THE PROBLEM: The airplane bathrooms are always occupied and there’s a line of people waiting to use them.
THE HACK: Shit your pants and then, gorilla style, scoop out some poop and wildly throw it at everyone in the restroom. They will clear out immediately and you’ll have the entire place to yourself.
THE PROBLEM: The airplane restaurants don’t use real silverware because of security concerns.
THE HACK: Start practicing six months before your trip how to eat only with your hands. Then, when you get to the restaurant take your food and, gorilla style, fling it at everyone till they all clear out of the restaurant. Then you can eat alone without the embarrassment of everyone staring at you because you eat only with your hands.
THE PROBLEM: Airline seats are cramped and uncomfortable.
THE HACK: Shorten your legs by sawing off the area just above your feet. Then wear fake feet that are smaller than what your old feet were. First, you have the bonus of a few extra inches of foot room. And second, your feet aren’t there, so they don’t feel the pain of being squished and they never lose blood flow because you don’t have blood flowing to them anymore, because they’re not there.
THE PROBLEM: You want to join the “mile high club” but the bathrooms are cramped and you’re traveling alone. And you’re not very attractive too.
THE HACK: Ask for an extra blanket, then whack off in your seat. Then wait for someone to notice. Then ask if that person would like to join the mile high club with you. Then wait to be arrested. Then ask the arresting office if he/she would like to join the mile high club with you. And so on, till you get to a prison and just have sex with whoever takes you first.
*Is being a professional traveler a thing? Sure, we guess.
It was only a matter of time before corporations paid writers to produce children’s books that were sympathetic to their world-view, and in recent years several authors have quietly written several books that are considered corporate kids and young adult fiction masterpieces.
The Intergalactic Business Report read them all and gives you summaries. Enjoy.
Red Rover, Don’t Come Over, by Steve Droodle. Communist villain Brett Ruben has designed a robot dog who teaches neighborhood children Marxist principles by redistributing their candy and having all races and games end in a tie. When parents find out, they are terrified but fear it may be too late because Red Rover has been working on the kids so long that they are beginning to espouse ideas about workers’ rights and nationalization of businesses. Steve Droodle (the name of both the author and the hero) must fight Red Rover, defeat him, and then humiliate and publicly execute Brett Ruben, showing the children that communism doesn’t pay off in the end.
The Adventures of Junior Detective Eddie Freeland, book one: The case of the Old Lunch Lady. This series features ten-year-old Eddie Freeland, who solves mysteries at his elementary school. In book one, Eddie tackles the problem of the cafeteria food being served too slowly. It’s a true mystery till Eddie finds out that the lunch lady is past the retirement age even though she keeps working. Will Eddie be able to convince the principal to phase her out and hire a younger lunch lady who is not benefits-eligible? And will evil lawyer Wayne Trotsky step in with an age discrimination lawsuit designed to hamper the school’s growth?
Anna and the Troll Boys, by Hakeem Allerday. Anna is a bright and beautiful high school student who aspires to go to college at a fictional university where there are no hippies. Unfortunately, a group of young men nicknamed the Troll Boys tempt her into wearing tie dyes and riding around with them in a bio diesel bus. Will Anna get her shit together and contribute to society, or will she wallow in the Troll Boys’ world of permanent adolescence and total bullshit?
The Year They Cancelled Prom, by Brooke Dehanerford. In this sequel to “The year they cancelled the football team,” exiled Guevara High School cheerleader Daria Van Storm must fight the administration to keep prom from being cancelled along with all the other traditional American activities that villainous Vice-Principal Alan Mitterrand has systematically eliminated.
Puppies and Poopies by Father Michael Aurelio. This picture book for ages 2-6 is about a farm where some puppies work all day and others, called poopies, just lie around. Although farmer Freeman doesn’t want to do it, the poopies force his hand with their laziness and he has to “phase them out” of the farm. When they’re finally gone, the remaining, hard-working puppies get a pay cut and are asked to work extra hours.
Lay-off Larry and the Golden Parachute, by Bing Deralius. This entry from the popular Lay-off Larry series, centers around magic schoolboy Larry Gompers, who has the supernatural ability to lay off workers anywhere in the world and at any range. Because of his powerful gifts, he is taken to a special school in another dimension, where he is taught to hone his skills so that one day he may be able to lay off all the workers on the planet and replace them with unskilled laborers from other universes. But in the meantime, Larry must go on a quest for the mythical Golden Parachute, a magical object made of gold thread, which allows CEOs to bail out of companies while taking all of their and everyone else’s money with them. Will little Larry fulfill this quest, or will the evil demon Socialist Lou and his zombie brigades of union thugs annihilate him first?
You may have seen a celebrity roast where pretty famous people are ridiculed by less famous people on t.v. and then everyone kind of laughs. What you’ve probably never seen are the untelevised roasts for extremely minor celebrities.
Now the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the very worst jokes from these hard to find and see events.
WORST JOKE ONE (from the roast of Flo from Progressive): “Hey, Flo. I also have a choose your own price tool. It’s called my penis.”
WORST JOKE TWO (from the roast of Jared from Subway): “Hey, Jared, your name sounds like you’re a child molester.”
WORST JOKE THREE (from the roast of that guy from that thing): “I’m just going to come out and say it—that thing you’re in sucks.”
WORST JOKE FOUR (from the roast of the guy from the meme where he’s checking out that girl and his girlfriend is pissed): “My question is, why is your girlfriend so pissed off? It’s not like she’s really your girlfriend. She’s just a model who posed with you for a stock photo.”
WORST JOKE FIVE (from the roast of Jeff Penisface): “Jeff’s last name sounds like a face with a dick on it or a face that looks like a dick. Either way, it’s a stupid last name.”
WORST JOKE SIX (from the roast of that actor from the boner pill commercial): “Everyone must ask you, do you really use Cyalis because you can’t get an erection? Or do you pretend to use it because they paid you money to be in a commercial?”
WORST JOKE SEVEN (from the roast of the hair model from the package of hair dye at that one supermarket): “Are all hair models crazy? Because you look crazy and so do all the other people on those hair dye boxes.”
WORST JOKE EIGHT (from the roast of minor league mascot Droddy the Penguin): “Do penguins have balls? Cause I’m looking at you and you don’t look like you have any. Any balls.”
WORST JOKE NINE (from the roast of the Hamburgler): “Why haven’t we seen you on t.v. in like twenty years? Answer: because you’re a child molester, like Jared from Subway.”
Ever have a friend tell you about some movie you just need to watch because it’s so important/awesome/life-changing? Do you sit there nodding your head while he/she keeps talking about it till you say, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll go see it,” but they keep talking about it anyway? Next time, be armed with your own obscure list of films no one’s ever heard of. Here’s seven of them, plots included:
1. Wickersham. This is the true story of Henry Wickersham, a nineteenth century inventor who became the world’s first astronaut, because he spelled it “ass” tronaut, and it meant, at that time, to simply be really into anal sex.
2. Watch out! Boris Netaly’s first feature film about a boy who throws objects at people’s heads, this black and white feature has no speaking roles – only the sounds of anguish as random men and women are pelted by little Yuri’s rocks, pipes, and hardened cow turds.
3. Knob Turners. Almost impossible to find today, Knob Turners is primarily about different hands turning different door knobs. While this sounds a bit odd, or even boring at first glance, in hour two there is a surprise* which makes the film worth it.
4. Journey to my Bunghole, by Fred Robertson. In this, Fred Roberston of Clifford California shares the tape of his colonoscopy. Again, sounds boring, but at one point, it looks like there are tiny men living inside his poop shoot. After closer examination, they’re not. It was just some shit floating around.
5. Dancing for my life. In this four-and-a-half-hour epic, dance instructor Kristie Ellsworth decides that if she stops dancing, she dies. This is because a charming dance student told her that if “you lose your dream, you die.” Her dream is to dance. So… After about four hours, she just gives up and realizes she was kind of taking what he said too literally.
6. Glory hole: a Love Story. Maybe the most controversial film in this group, Glory hole focuses on an 80’s heavy metal band of the same name. The plot involves what happens when they find out what the name of their band actually means and how it’s weird because they were all super into glory holes, had them built into their homes, met each other through them, but just never knew what they were called.
7. Geppetto, Origins. Before Geppetto built Pinocchio, he was just another high school kid who was into wooden puppets. This film examines how “Gep,” as he is called by his teenage friends, takes one last road trip with his buddies that will change his life forever, mostly because he kills them all in a motel and then builds wooden replicas of them, including of his best friend, Penn Ocheo, whose constant lying enraged Gep enough to turn to murder.
*The knob is turned by someone wearing a red glove. Then the rest of the film is just regular knob turning with regular hands. Some people have speculated that the red glove represents God.