 Mushroom Hunters. SERIES. Darryl Ray and his brother Hobart search the world for the rarest (and deadliest) mushrooms known to humankind. Will they find the mythical Norse “death mushroom”? And will they eat it? SPOILER: in episode five they do and they both die of kidney failure. Greta Funberg. ORIGINAL MOVIE. Greta Thunberg’s fictional sister (Dakota Fanning) is all about having a good time and doesn’t give a crap about climate change. But what happens when her serious sibling shows up to Funberg’s end of the year coal burning, hairspray party? Will the two sisters with the same first name join forces to throw the biggest bash of the semester? Or will the entire planet cease to exist before the end of the movie? Spoilers. SERIES. In this prank show, Jepp Munson and his crew ruin major life events for unwitting victims. Whether it’s popping the question before someone asks his girlfriend to marry him or locking a husband out of a hospital room so that he misses the birth of his first daughter, Jepp serves up the laughter as quickly as he’s served cease and desist orders. Suburban Killer Dad. TRUE CRIME DOCUSERIES. Brett Fabius was a normal suburban dad till he allegedly went on a killing spree. The evidence tilts against Brett, and then back in his favor, as prosecutor Harry Dibbs and defense lawyer Marcus Deriley, battle to decide his fate. SPOILER: In episode one, DNA evidence, along with witness testimony, and a video Brett made confessing to the crimes proves he’s guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. But wait, in episode two, new evidence arises that could clear him. Except that it doesn’t because the new evidence is a Taco Bell receipt date stamped at the time of the murder, but it didn’t belong to Brett at all. Then the series kind of ends. Dick Measurers. SERIES. Host Travis Wright measures celebrities’ dicks to see who has the largest one. SPOILER: Only Pauly Shore and Jan Michael Vincent accept the challenge. And Jan Michael Vincent is dead, making episode two one of the most controversial episodes of this two-episode series. Holy Crap. MOVIE. Orlando Bloom and Cuba Gooding Jr. play adventurer brothers Luke and Chaz Cheezit who discover what might be the only remaining relic of 12th century monk Elastus Bonofani—a huge turd, preserved in a melting glacier in the alps. Now that they have it, what will they do? Get ready to lose your shit laughing as these two goofballs trek through Europe in an effort to bring their shitpiece to the Vatican for what they hope will be a multi-billion-dollar reward. Fuzz Ballzzz. SERIES. Blair Underwood plays Principal Damon Lewis in this hard as nails teenage sex drama about the coming of age of a group of sophomores who call their group “duh fuzz ballzzz,” for a reason revealed in season 8, even though this is only season one, and there’s no way this is getting renewed for season 2.  Do you have what it takes to be a professional athlete? Answer any of these four questions with a "yes" and you may be good enough to play your sport for money. 1. Have professional coaches or representatives from a professional team offered you money to play for them? If they have, this is a solid indication that you may have a chance to be a pro athlete. 2. Have you never lost at whatever sport you play? This one’s especially important for solo sports, like tennis or masturbation. 3. Do sports companies offer you “endorsement deals” for you to make commercials about their products? 4. Has a lawyer ever presented you with a contract that if you signed it, it would make you a professional athlete?  Tune out tonight... February sucks. But at least there’s the Oscars. Except the Oscars suck too. So you have nothing. Still, for the next two days, all anyone will be talking about is who won the best foreign toilet documentary. Do you succumb to the pressure and watch? Or do you do what we recommend, and choose one of these life-affirming alternatives: 1. Call someone you know is super into the Oscars. Keep calling. Tell them you’ve been taken hostage but not to call the police because the guy said he’ll kill you if anyone does. Then say the guy also said they need to turn off the Oscars or they’ll kill you for that too. 2. Give yourself an award for eating the most King Dons in seventeen minutes. 3. Stand in front of a mirror. Watch yourself for however long the Oscars are on. Don’t move. Just stare. Stand. If you feel yourself falling or getting hungry, stop and go do that. 4. Aimlessly wander. Nobody does that anymore. Just leave your place and walk till you drop from exhaustion or meet people who put you in their car and take you somewhere, probably not to murder you, but who knows? You just met these people and they put you in their car. 5. Give yourself a standing fucking ovation. Yes. You fucking did it. Now you know what it feels like to give and receive a standing ovation at the same time. How many people can say they’ve had that experience? 6. Eat a King Don. Eat another one, but faster. Keep doing that. (See Number 2, above.) 7. Show your true disdain for the Academy Awards by trying to “wipe your ass” with it. 8. Have sex with a King Don. (If any are left over.) 9. Find out what it really takes to be “escorted by security” out of a shopping mall. 10. Find out what it really takes to be “forcibly removed” from a family video store. 11. Shave off the hair from the back of your head and draw another face on that. Now there are two of you. 12. Take an intense, but short-lived interest in robotics, which ends with you throwing a metal pipe at your neighbor, and your arguing with the cops that it was not a metal pipe, it was a robot arm.  Are you just cool enough to have friends but also so uncool that you enter “Oscar pools” with people who actually watched all the movies? As an added reader benefit, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Bart DeLong gives you the answers you need so that you’ll be the star of this year’s nerdathon.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Antonio Banderas, Pain and Glory Leonardo DeCaprio, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood. Adam Drive, Marriage Story Joaquin Phoenix, Joker Jonathon Price, the Two Popes THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTOR: Me, Acting Like I Give a Shit About the Oscars. ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Cynthia Erivo, Harriet Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story Saoirse Ronan, Little Women Charlize Theron, Bombshell Renée Zellweger, Judy THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTRESS: My college girlfriend, Pretending she loved me for two and a half years and then boning Jeff Werner in the bathroom at a house party. Whatever. DIRECTING: The Irishman Joker 1917 Once upon a Time… in Hollywood Parasite THE WINNER FOR BEST DIRECTOR: Me, Directing Your Mom’s Head Toward my Crotch. BEST PICTURE: Ford v Ferrari The Irishman Jojo Rabbit Joker Little Women Marriage Story 1917 THE WINNER FOR BEST PICTURE: My 75 inch Flatscreen Not Showing the Oscars. Bart DeLong is way cooler than you. Unlike you, he can introduce himself by saying, “Bart Delong. As in ‘dee long’ penis in my pants.” He’s tired of this shit. It sucks and it’s boring. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  This is the pan flute. Rampal is the master. Put him in the hall of fame now. Each year, new inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are revealed and each year you sit and think, “Whitney Houston and the Notorious B.I.G are rock acts?” Because the Hall of Fame field is obviously open to anyone who ever sang a song or played an instrument, the Intergalactic Business Report shares its own list of musicians who should be inducted immediately. ARTIST: Carl Douglas. REASON: The “Kung Fu Fighting” singer sang the song “Kung Fu Fighting” which was about people Kung Fu Fighting. But not just some people. Everyone. Every single person, presumably on the planet. All fighting. Kung Fu. That’s a hell of a lot of people. ARTIST: Carl Weathers. REASON: If Carl Douglas makes it then Carl Weathers does too. ARTIST: Tubbs from Miami Vice REASON: Also known as Phillip Michael Thomas, Tubbs’s breakthrough hit…. ARTIST: Europe. REASON: The Swedish supergroup sang “Cherokee,” about the plight of a displaced Native-American tribe who lived in the desert, even though they didn’t. ARTIST: James Spader. REASON: For his outstanding musical performance in the critically acclaimed film Tuff Turf ARTIST: Rampal, master of the Pan Flute. REASON: He’s the fucking MASTER. Not just some dick who plays the pan flute as a hobby or to get girls. ARTIST: Don Johnson. REASON: Like Tubbs, Don Johnson sang music. His hit “Heartbeat” is about him hauling a huge movie camera through Vietnam and New York City while he avoids explosions and stalks women.  Coming soon: Euro Skank Barges. As of January 1, the Dutch government declared they will no longer recognize “Holland” as synonymous with “the Netherlands.” Unfortunately, this short-sighted move has far-reaching ramifications for our planet. We list them below: 1. Hollandaise sauce will now be known as, “Nether Scrunch Feed.” 2. British actor Tom Holland is now “Tom the Netherlands.” 3. The city of Holland, Michigan, in the United States, will be destroyed by the Dutch army, leaving only a crater and some stray Mentos. 4. For now, Dutch Boy paint is safe. As is the “Dutch oven.” But some experts worry that the Netherlands will soon also ban the term “Dutch,” returning the Dutch oven to its clinical name of “fart containment chamber.” 5. Holland America Cruises are now called “All-inclusive Euro Skank Barges.” 6. Jazz Musician Dave Holland is now David Abramowitz Jr. 7. The color “Holland Blue” has been changed to “Blueish.” 8. The Holland Tunnel connecting New York City and New Jersey will now be known as “Vinnie Lavazza’s Butthole” named after Vinnie Lavazza, winner of the “Rename the Holland Tunnel whatever you want” contest.  Mark Walhberg, Artist's depiction. Ed Mountaineer seldom talks about his relationships with celebrities and is known to be secretive and evasive when asked. Today he breaks his silence and finally reveals why he will never work with Mark Wahlberg. (From Ed Mountaineer): Dear readers: For years people have asked me who I like working with in Hollywood the most. They want to know stories about famous actors, models, and other celebrities. They want to know the dirt, the drama, the stuff their publicists will never let you see. Until now, I’ve never said anything about my friendships and personal experiences with these people and for good reason. First, you can get sued if you say something about them. Even if it’s true. Second, if you say too much, they might be embarrassed or offended, and that could hurt your career. I finally decided, however, that there was one person I would discuss because I will never ever work with him and I don’t care that he knows it. That person is Mark Wahlberg. And these are the reasons we will never work together: 1. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t know who I am. It’s true. Mark wouldn’t recognize my name or face if you showed him a picture. 2. I am not a big, fancy Hollywood star. Unlike Mark, who stars in movies and works out all the time, I don’t. This has contributed to a stark distance between us through the years. 3. For his films, Mark works with “actors,” “producers,” and “directors.” I am none of those, thus limiting my chances to be near Mark in a professional capacity. 4. Mark Wahlberg attends social events that I am not invited to. Imagine a beach house on the beach and a bunch of famous people drinking and talking to each other and me, not there. That’s the reality. 5. Mark makes big money deals with other people who have a lot of money. Even if I wanted to make a big money deal with Mark, I would need to have big money to do it. That’s strike one. Strike two is that I would need to know where to meet Mark to even discuss a deal. I don’t have that information. Strike three. I’m out. 6. Mark demands perfection from everyone around him. I guess. I wouldn’t really know because I’ve never met him or had anything to do with him, even indirectly. I’m assuming this because he looks super uptight—like the kind of guy who would scream at people if they weren’t perfect and say stuff like, “I demand perfection from everyone around me!” Again, just pure conjecture. But what a prick, right? 7. When I extend my hand to high-five Mark, he doesn’t high-five me back. This is mainly because I’m in my apartment on a couch and he’s wherever he is. But still. At least high-five me back. No? Fine. I’ll never work with you. Ever. 8. Mark is super into his family, which leaves no room for me. Selfish, right? I’m out here, all alone, and there he is, with his family. 9. Mark’s whole identity is tied up in himself. I find this egotistical and sad. I also think it drives a wedge further between us since my identity is also so strongly centered on myself. So it’s more that we’re too alike and almost like brothers. Or he’s my dad or I’m his dad or something like that. Thank you, Ed Mountaineer  Dear IBR readers: As we enter 2020, most of you probably feel that the Intergalactic Business Report has changed your lives in ways you could have never imagined. You want to thank us for all the insights and knowledge we bestowed on you, but you don’t know how. We understand, kind of… Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, we go back over our finest articles of the past year and let you relive the joy and pain of human existence that we chronicle for you each day. Enjoy again what we taught you in 2019. From January 22: Vanderpump Rules tricks “characters” into believing they’re poor bartenders and waitresses. We exposed how Lisa Vanderpump uses wormholes to exploit people from alternative universes. READ NOW. From February 9: Anonymous CEO writes open letter about his dick pics. During the Jeff Bezos scandal, another CEO offered us all a lesson in emotional intelligence. READ NOW. From March 28: Science: Being alive is the biggest risk to your health. Our science team brought you the truth about the hidden health benefits of death. READ NOW. From March 22: IBR exposes Chinese “humor bots” dominating the Web. The Chinese are using funny memes to subvert your thinking. We showed you how it works. READ NOW. From April 29: IBR article sucks life force out of reader. Once again, one of our articles harmed a reader—this time by sucking out his life force. READ NOW. From May 15: IBR announces new billionaire training program. We gave you the tools to be a billionaire. READ NOW. From June 11: “Give me five” is our new charity to fund penis enhancement. Back in June, we unveiled a new philanthropy dedicated to giving deserving men monster cocks. READ NOW. From July 2: IBR secretly attempting to replace “deez nuts” with “mah ballzzz.” We exposed ourselves to you. READ NOW. From September 12. Breaking secret news: Dentistry is fake. Yes, you read that right. We blow up the entire dental profession. READ NOW. From October 18: There is no doubt who is the best Joker. Ed Mountaineer writes a controversial article about the Joker that brings fury from readers. READ NOW. From October 22: Joker article controversy. Ed’s Joker article wasted some people’s time. READ NOW. From November 3. Saying these 8 things in a job interview will make you look desperate. We show how you could blow that interview. READ NOW. From December 9. We followed Gary V’s advice. The results were… well… READ NOW.  Not sure how to deal with front desk hotel clerks? Don’t know the secret to getting free stuff, upgrades, and better sheets? The Intergalactic Business Report releases seven of its secret methods to use on your next stay. 1. When the person at the front desk welcomes you, just say, “I’m super rich and I’ll pay any price for the finest room you have.” Usually they’ll upgrade you. 2. Offer to suck someone’s dick. Not for money. But for a nicer room. Say you’ll do it somewhere private. Not in the lobby. Say you’ll do other sex stuff too if they don’t seem to be interested. 3. Pretend you’re related to the hotel’s owner by saying, for example, “I am personal friends with Thelonius Farbrush Sheraton and he told me to mention his name for a better room. If they don’t upgrade you after that, just offer to suck their dick. 4. Describe how many penises you can fit in your mouth at the same time. This will make you a “hotter commodity” to hotel clerks and up your chances of an upgrade by 2-6 %. 5. When they assign you a room, just look at the number and start screaming. When they ask what’s wrong, just say, “I want a better room.” If they don’t immediately give you one, just start screaming again. 6. Talk about how clean your penis is. This may make a difference in the negotiation. 7. Get about five fish sticks. Put them in your mouth and slowly walk up to the front desk. When they ask if you’re checking in, spit the fish sticks up on the desk. Then offer to suck their dick.  It's time to sing some booty carols with IBR. Tired of watching the same old movies where two people fall in love at Christmas but never have sex? The Intergalactic Business Report introduces its favorite movies that are sure to put you into the holiday spirit. Especially if “holiday spirit” means full on boner. Here’s what you need to be watching from now till the 25th. Christmas in My Pants. Premieres December 16. SUMMARY: Jody’s life as a high-powered PR executive doesn’t give her a lot of time for Christmas, until she figures out that her vagina can talk. Will her sassy new friend convince her to stop working so hard and start paying more attention to what’s been right there under her nose (and belly button) all along? Bootycarol. Premieres December 18 SUMMARY: Robert can’t stand Christmas caroling, till he meets Franklin Benefacio Demoral, a traveling opera singer with the power to undress anyone he sings to. When Franklin invites him to accompany him door to door Christmas Eve caroling, Robert is more than game. Especially since the caroling route goes right down sorority row! Rudolph’s Shiny New Penis. Premiers December 20. SUMMARY: In this animated special, Rudolph’s nose shorts out, probably because of off season cocaine use. But with the help of magic fairy Snowtights, he gains a whole new glow… From his penis! Christmas in Your Mom’s Butt. Premiered around 1979. SUMMARY: Everybody’s coming. A Princely Penis. Premieres December 22. SUMMARY: Lord Duffingmeat the Third faces a preposterous dilemma as his tiny European Principality will lose its autonomy on Christmas day unless he can make his penis grow three inches to meet the requirement of an ancient deadline for his royal line. Will it be a Swedish penis pump or enhancement surgery? Or, will it be a third option that arises when a beautiful young American sex therapist arrives and claims she can make his dick grow by making him hornier than he’s ever been? Impossible? Whip yours out and watch on December 22. Ninja Orgy Three: the Christmassing. Premieres Christmas Eve. SUMMARY: In need of a new time slot, Ninja Orgy Three takes a slightly new direction and is now a Christmas movie and not just about ninjas having sex for two and a half hours. It’s Christmas. You’re stuck here. We Might as Well Have Sex. Premieres Christmas Day. SUMMARY: Sandra Effingham has never liked Christmas and can’t wait for the season to be over. Then, in late December, her company plane gets grounded in Mountainville, an idyllic town known for its elaborate Christmas celebrations. Finding the last room at the bed and breakfast, she hopes to work quietly in her room till the snow lets up. But the pretty good-looking landlord suggests they have sex instead. As they pork for several days straight, the townspeople outside do Christmas stuff. |
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