I’m Rhoda Bloom and I decided to not even try for a good introductory sentence. No one’s going to read this anyway and even if someone does, it’s not like it’s going to matter whether anything about this is good or not.
Coronavirus sucks. But it sucks most because I’m pretty sure there will never be a cure. I even spoke with a psychic about it and she left midway through our session because she said the world was ending and she needed to get some of her shit together and try to drive down to some town in Mexico where she thinks she’ll be able to survive for another year before society completely collapses. I asked if I could join her and she was kind of like, “fuck you.” I even offered to do lesbian stuff, but she wasn’t interested, I guess.
I think people get weird when the world is ending. And then there are all these other people who think it’s not and they’re wrong. One of them on tv said that this will all be over by next year. I just laughed at the fucking tv and turned it off. The tv probably has so much coronavirus on it that it’s infecting my apartment anyway and I’m starting to think that the news report where they said things would be over next year was just a hallucination because when you’re about to die your brain does shit like that.
There was this show on once where it was just about good things people did and how life was great. Do you remember that show? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
This one friend of mine asked me, “Rhoda? How can you be so negative all the time?” And then I noticed a malignant mole on her face.
Anyway, since I haven’t been able to leave my apartment during the pandemic, I decided to read some books. I started with one about how America is dying and will just kind of blow up any day now and everyone will be like, “Hey, where’s America?” and the author of the book will be like, “Yeah, I told you so. You’re so stupid. Now I’m going to move to China, I guess.”
After that book, I read about how the sun is going to stop providing heat and an asteroid is coming to destroy the planet but it probably won’t make it before a black hole eats us first. That’s pretty much what I read.
I did some art, too. I drew a picture of myself in ten years. It’s a skeleton.
But it’s not all bad…
No. I take that back. It is.
I’m pretty sure I have the Coronavirus even though I haven’t been out in public for two months and haven’t come in contact with any human beings because I’m just eating old jello and toaster strudel I bought at Costco in 2018. I think I have the virus anyway and that they’re going to find out that we all have it and no matter what you do you’re going to get it or maybe that we were all born with it because our parents used Head and Shoulders dandruff shampoo and that had bad shit in it and it got in their sperm or something.
That’s all I have for now. I need to go make jello and watch the news.
See you in Mexico or in the afterlife. Even though that’s not a real thing.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at email@example.com.
As the Coronavirus spreads over the country like a soft, cozy blanket with a disease in it, Americans are responding with some inventive new fads that were previously reserved for only the most normal, average people.
In the coming days, you may hear about friends amusing themselves with these 8 coronavirusy dalliances.
This luxurious new trend is where you are able to buy something you need.
2. “Having a job.”
This old school curiosity takes place when you are paid money to do work for somebody else.
3. “Eating food.”
Practitioners of this craze find food and put it in their mouths. Then they chew and swallow it.
4. “Leaving your house.”
This involves leaving your home and going somewhere that’s not your home.
5. “Paying for stuff.”
Like “affording” above, this has to do with what you use when you afford. Some people “pay” with cash (paper money) and others use “credit,” which is like a promise to pay for stuff later. People have “credit cards,” which work for a couple months and then stop working so you have to use a different one after that.
6. “Breathing fresh air.”
This is where you suck in oxygen that isn’t the oxygen in your house or apartment. It’s totally different because when you breathe it you don’t feel like someone farted dog hair in your mouth.
7. “Not thinking you’re going to die.”
Instead of how you usually feel, you think for a few moments that you’re not going to somehow die of Coronavirus. It’s a cool feeling. Then it goes away. Kind of like smoking crack.
8. “Wiping your ass with imaginary toilet paper.”
Imaginary toilet paper never runs out. You just pretend you’re using it and you can use as much as you want. “Hey! Stop wasting all that toilet paper! Oh… It’s imaginary! Keep wiping!”
The Great Depression brought us terms like “boondoggling” and “reacharounds.” Now the Corona Age has brought us ten new sayings that define this era. Here they are:
1. “I’m talking to you guys on Zoom because it’s a quarantine, but I’ve never ever had the desire to speak with you about anything before this.”
2. “My booger cave is full and I can’t do anything about it.”
3. “Touch my fucking face and I’ll kill you.”
4. “That mask isn’t regulation.”
5. “Fucking joggers…”
6. “Don’t tell me who won Super Bowl XVII. It’s on again tonight.”
7. “How many fucking feet are you from me right now?”
8. “You are totally non-essential.”
9. “If you try to shake my hand, I’ll cut your fucking arm off.”
10. “No way are those people in the park related.”
The Intergalactic Business Report asked the question first: Why do we need a Hollywood movie version of “Tiger King?” Surprisingly, we found 9 very good reasons. Here they are:
1. People don’t understand stories unless celebrities dress up like characters and pretend they’re doing stuff.
2. Hollywood can test the original ending with sample audiences and if they don’t like it, then Joe Exotic escapes with Dillon Passage and they’re drinking Palomas on a beach in Mexico. Maybe Joe says something like, “Looking good, Dillon,” and Dillon toasts back and says, “Feeling good, Joe Exotic.”
3. The Coronavirus has affected our memory functions and by the time the movie comes out, we’ll all be like, “Wow. That looks craaazy. I wonder what it’s about!”
4. It’s funnier to see actors wear wigs that look like the hair that the real people in the documentary have.
5. Making this into a movie provides a valuable opportunity for Hollywood producers to offer roles to actors in exchange for sex and then never call them again.
6. By the time the Hollywood movie comes out, people will still be totally into Tiger King and it will be a totally relevant movie that touches on the pulse of America… Six months ago.
7. Making fun of poor people tests through the roof.
8. This is a chance for Hollywood executives to make up for not turning Katy Perry’s “Left Shark” into a movie.
9. So far, the only new Tiger King material is the 4 billion memes, 87 porn versions, and the 175 awkward celebrity interviews where the host is visibly hoping that none of these guys ask for their numbers so they can “hang” sometime.
Although the Intergalactic Business Report is a serious publication whose goal is to inform the public with insights and news they will find nowhere else, we also believe that your mom jokes are the highest form of humor and can serve to alleviate frustration and anxiety during this difficult time.
With this in mind, we finely crafted eleven your mom jokes for the Corona age.
1. Epidemiologists say the greatest challenge they could face would be to stop the spread of your mom’s legs when she sees random men.
2. When they said “shelter and place” your mom sheltered a cheesecake in her hands and placed it in her mouth.
3. Your mom is so ugly her mask requested six feet of social distance.
4. Your mom is so dumb that when they told her to “self-quarantine,” she ate four crackers.
5. Your mom’s butt is so big that she has a quarantined family living inside it.
6. Your mom has a six feet of separation rule where she separates a six-foot sub from a plate.
7. Your mom didn’t need to stock up on toilet paper because she gave birth to a re-usable ass wipe.
8. Originally, the social distancing guideline was 5 feet apart. Then the doctors saw your mom and said, can we make it six?
9. Your mom’s butt is so big it can maintain six feet of social distance from her body.
10. Doctors believe that the way to prevent future outbreaks will be to end the dangerous wet market in your mom’s crotch.
11. What’s the difference between Coronavirus and your mom? Some people have recovered from Coronavirus.
As the world falls deeper into the COV-ID 19 crisis, you may be feeling, like millions of others, that April Fool’s Day will mentally bring you out of all the despair you’ve been facing. A great prank on your friends, family, or co-workers will make them and you laugh and forget about the impending death that surrounds us all.
Before you “fool” everyone this coming Wednesday, remember that we are living in a moment of anxiety and fear. Because of this, the Intergalactic Business Report has listed eight awesome April Fool’s jokes that you should probably not do this year.
1. Running into the room screaming, “They cured the Coronavirus! They cured it! Look! It’s all over the news! We’re saved!”
2. Pretending you’re going to break your six feet of separation with another human being by running at him, stopping right at the limit and yelling, “April Fools!”
3. Telling your friends that you found toilet paper and you’re going to drop some megarolls on their doorsteps.
4. Pretending you’re a space alien offering the human race a cure for the Coronavirus.
5. Knocking on random people’s doors and saying, “It’s the Government! Open up!”
6. Hitchhiking and then yelling, “April Fools!” at everyone who doesn’t pick you up.
7. Pissing yourself in the line at Costco.
8. Wearing a Hazmat suit around the neighborhood and stopping at people’s houses like you’re investigating stuff.
Recently, movies like “Outbreak” and “Contagion” have topped viewer lists on Netflix and other streaming channels. Now, public agencies are recommending you steer clear of such angst-producing films.
To help with this warning, the Intergalactic Business Report issues its own list of movies you definitely shouldn’t watch during the Coronavirus pandemic.
1. Freakout (1985). In this thriller, a virus shaped like a crown kills everyone on the planet, but before it does, everyone freaks out and hoards food, which they never get to eat, because they all die.
2. Everyone is Going to Die (2012). This film, from cult director Antonio Derencino, takes place in the year 2020 and centers around a mysterious virus that kills everyone on the planet. At first, everyone thinks it’s just like the flu. But then, later, everyone dies.
3. Damn! (1993). In a fictional America circa 2020, people regret all they could have done to prevent a deadly virus from killing everyone. Most of them say, “Damn!” in anger just before succumbing to the disease and dying.
4. Quarantine Adventure (1936). A little-known Jules Verne novel is remade to show a family who self-quarantines themselves on a floating balloon house as the rest of humanity dies below them from a mysterious virus. Spoiler: the balloon crashes at the end and they all die.
5. There is No Hope (2003). German director Alfons Durbrecht’s prescient contribution to cinema history explores people of a future society (in the year 2020) who build houses out of toilet paper they believe is magic and will protect them from a deadly plague. Spoiler: they all die and no one lives long enough to use all the tp.
6. Supermarket Mayhem (1989). Shoppers in a futuristic grocery store (in the year 2020) are told that everything there will never be re-supplied, and they must fight each other for peanut butter and soup cans. At the end, we find out that the reason nothing will be re-supplied is because there’s a deadly plague outside, which kills everyone anyway.
7. Don’t Touch Your Face (1967). In this dystopian drama, citizens in the year 2020 may not touch their faces for fear of immediately being executed by King Corona, a warlord/computer who rules over them and hates when people touch their faces. In the end, most people touch their faces by accident and are annihilated.
8. Lockdown! (1954). In the year 2020, society is ordered to go on a full lockdown to combat a biblical-type plague that threatens everyone. Families are forced to play Parcheesi and Backgammon to pass the time, but the time keeps getting longer and longer till they realize the lockdown is permanent.
Twitter is blowing up over a Netflix release that could be the scariest, most deranged work of cinematography known to humankind. Here are the responses:
“After watching this, I feel like my balls moved from my nut area into my mouth area. Shit! My balls are in my mouth?”
“Don’t watch this movie unless you want to feel like someone removed your brain, peed all over it, put it back, then took it out again, then pooped all over it, and then finally put it back again and said, ‘Think!’”
“My girlfriend made me watch this movie and when it was over we tried to murder each other.”
“You can’t imagine how much your life can change after watching one movie on Netlix, but this one f-cked up mine for real. That scene where the guy’s trying to poop and then that thing is inside is butt…. I stopped pooping. Now I need surgery.”
“I watch Netflix movies and then spend time tweeting about them. Yeah. I actually do that. I get done watching. Then I feel like people will actually be interested in what I have to say in 280 characters or less. I feel like I’m getting close to that limit with this one…”
“Warning: DO NOT WATCH! Just don’t. It is so freaky that when you’re done watching shit on your body will start falling off. I only have one hand left that I’m typing with right now and it’s about to come off too… fadoaifda;sojg.”
“Before I watched this movie, I was just a guy whose handle was Ballsdeepintoyou, which is something I made up to sound cool but also let a certain girl know I was super into her. But after watching the movie I’m a warlock.”
“hey @Ballsdeepintoyou. I turned into a warlock too. Wtf?”
“I fart on face. Make big fart. On face.”
Mushroom Hunters. SERIES.
Darryl Ray and his brother Hobart search the world for the rarest (and deadliest) mushrooms known to humankind. Will they find the mythical Norse “death mushroom”? And will they eat it? SPOILER: in episode five they do and they both die of kidney failure.
Greta Funberg. ORIGINAL MOVIE.
Greta Thunberg’s fictional sister (Dakota Fanning) is all about having a good time and doesn’t give a crap about climate change. But what happens when her serious sibling shows up to Funberg’s end of the year coal burning, hairspray party? Will the two sisters with the same first name join forces to throw the biggest bash of the semester? Or will the entire planet cease to exist before the end of the movie?
In this prank show, Jepp Munson and his crew ruin major life events for unwitting victims. Whether it’s popping the question before someone asks his girlfriend to marry him or locking a husband out of a hospital room so that he misses the birth of his first daughter, Jepp serves up the laughter as quickly as he’s served cease and desist orders.
Suburban Killer Dad. TRUE CRIME DOCUSERIES.
Brett Fabius was a normal suburban dad till he allegedly went on a killing spree. The evidence tilts against Brett, and then back in his favor, as prosecutor Harry Dibbs and defense lawyer Marcus Deriley, battle to decide his fate. SPOILER: In episode one, DNA evidence, along with witness testimony, and a video Brett made confessing to the crimes proves he’s guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. But wait, in episode two, new evidence arises that could clear him. Except that it doesn’t because the new evidence is a Taco Bell receipt date stamped at the time of the murder, but it didn’t belong to Brett at all. Then the series kind of ends.
Dick Measurers. SERIES.
Host Travis Wright measures celebrities’ dicks to see who has the largest one. SPOILER: Only Pauly Shore and Jan Michael Vincent accept the challenge. And Jan Michael Vincent is dead, making episode two one of the most controversial episodes of this two-episode series.
Holy Crap. MOVIE.
Orlando Bloom and Cuba Gooding Jr. play adventurer brothers Luke and Chaz Cheezit who discover what might be the only remaining relic of 12th century monk Elastus Bonofani—a huge turd, preserved in a melting glacier in the alps. Now that they have it, what will they do? Get ready to lose your shit laughing as these two goofballs trek through Europe in an effort to bring their shitpiece to the Vatican for what they hope will be a multi-billion-dollar reward.
Fuzz Ballzzz. SERIES.
Blair Underwood plays Principal Damon Lewis in this hard as nails teenage sex drama about the coming of age of a group of sophomores who call their group “duh fuzz ballzzz,” for a reason revealed in season 8, even though this is only season one, and there’s no way this is getting renewed for season 2.
Do you have what it takes to be a professional athlete? Answer any of these four questions with a "yes" and you may be good enough to play your sport for money.
1. Have professional coaches or representatives from a professional team offered you money to play for them? If they have, this is a solid indication that you may have a chance to be a pro athlete.
2. Have you never lost at whatever sport you play? This one’s especially important for solo sports, like tennis or masturbation.
3. Do sports companies offer you “endorsement deals” for you to make commercials about their products?
4. Has a lawyer ever presented you with a contract that if you signed it, it would make you a professional athlete?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.