Yeah it’s Rhoda Bloom again and Thanksgiving is only a few days away. This is usually the time when I hear “friends” and “family” say how much they’re looking forward to the holidays and I’m already doing that thing where you press really hard on your leg till it gets as numb as your desire to be with family and friends at the holidays.
You may have noticed I put those words, “friends” and “family” in quotations. That’s because I don’t have any friends and my family members are the people I sit with and tune out like they’re ghosts and I’m on a scary old pirate ship by myself and trying to pretend they’re not there so I don’t scream.
I’m sure that whoever you are is great and that you’re planning a sumptuous Thanksgiving day with people who love you. Except that when you really think about it, they’re just there to put up with you for a few hours and then get in their cars and talk about how much you suck and then laugh about it. Do you know at the actual first Thanksgiving they didn’t even talk to each other and both groups were like, “Are they going to kill me?” and the whole time they also thought, “Should we just kill these motherfuckers? Should we fucking do it? Because if we don’t they’re going to fucking kill us first.” Just speculating, but that’s pretty much what I assume my “family” is thinking the whole time we eat too.
I’m writing a screenplay about a girl who’s dying of a terminal disease but then it turns out everyone on the planet has the same disease and she’s just the first one to figure it out. Sorry. That has nothing to do with Thanksgiving except that I guess everyone in that fictional world would have a pretty shitty one or not even make it to Thanksgiving depending on what month I decide to set it in. O.K. I just did it. January. So they're all dead by mid September. Except maybe one guy who’s immune, and he spends Thanksgiving all by himself, as the last man on Earth and he pretty much feels the same as I do every Thanksgiving.
For the past few months I’ve also been thinking that maybe Thanksgiving is just a fucked up test that the aliens put into the simulation we’re all living in. Like they want us to be thankful for the hellish fake world they created for us and then when we talk about how great it is to be alive they sit there and go, “Yeah, they’re all masochists. Let’s make this more hellish.”
But after that I start thinking there’s no way we’re in a simulation because that would mean there was some kind of actual control over things instead of everything being random crap like turducken and Neapolitan ice cream and Florida.
Anyway, do you even know how to cook a fucking turkey? Just a question, but there’s no way you do. And if you do know, then that means you understand how to pull things out of its butthole and baste it and stuff it and then baste it again with the inseminator tool. And what does that say about you?
Sorry. Not judging. Just speculating that cooking the turkey might be a weird sex thing you’re into and not about being thankful for anything other than you getting to sexually assault a dead turkey with your fist. Again, not judging. It’s less fucked up than what I’m into, which is just slowly picturing myself dead every second of my life until I finally am.
I guess with that, I want to say Happy Thanksgiving? Enjoy your holiday. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Reddit users revealed what celebrities are like in real life. Now Intergalactic Business Report readers do the same.
A recent article exposed celebrities by collecting insights from Reddit users who, through their power of intuition, are able to sense what celebrities are like in real life as opposed to the images they try to project. We thought this was so insightful that we asked Intergalactic Business Report readers to do the same. And, wow. Just… wow. We found out shit about celebrities you would never believe. See what we discovered below:
“I don’t know. He seems nice, but then that’s probably just an act. When I look at him, there’s something behind his eyes that’s saying, ‘I’m a dick in real life.’”
“He’s Canadian, but then he acts American? Fake.”
“She’s smart and not dumb. I can tell.”
“He yells at people on all his shows, but there’s no way he can yell 24 hours a day so there’s probably a time when he’s not and he seems nice.”
“He’s always smiling in photos and if he’s not, he’s just kind of staring at you or something. Creepy.”
“The vast majority of country singers don’t even fuck their cousins.”
“Just a total gut feeling and no proof to back this up whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure he fucks stray cats.”
“He seems like the kind of guy who has a lot of celebrity friends who won’t talk to you because they don’t know you.”
“I don’t know…I think she’s different in real life than when I see her portraying characters in movies and singing and stuff.”
“He acts like he’s nice, but just try to contact him by typing his name into your cheap ass Mint Mobile phone. He’s never there.”
“He sings songs and stuff. No way is he like that in real life.”
“I have poops that are less stuck up than Ryan Reynolds.”
In recent years the idea of choosing your own pronoun has become commonplace in many institutions and businesses. Signature lines now include a short list after someone’s name that may say, “he, his, him,” or “they, their, them” for those who don't want to be identified in binary gender terms.
While pronoun requests are a hot topic in culture debates, new trends are competing for acceptance in our everyday parlance. We spoke with critical studies professor Charles DeMize about some upcoming culturally sensitive grammar changes.
INTERVIEWER: You spoke to me a little earlier about “tense” and how this is the new choice people must make in how they see themselves. Can you explain a bit about this?
CHARLES DeMIZE: The idea that time is linear is a Western, white male construct. Your tense may be even more important than your pronoun because it positions you in your reality, which is your sense of being on a much higher level.
INTERVIEWER: So, like your pronoun, you would also choose the tense people should associate with you?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Correct. For example, someone might identify in the past by using “was, were,” in the present with “am, is,” or in the future with “will be.”
INTERVIEWER: So, when you speak to someone who identifies as being in the past tense, you use only past tense when referring to him or her?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Or them.
INTERVIEWER: Right, of course.
CHARLES DeMIZE: If, for example, I used the somewhat archaic construction of, “Cindy went to the store and bought herself a soda,” I would now say for a non-binary future tense person, “Cindy will go to the store and will buy them a soda.”
INTERVIEWER: Even if that all happened in the past?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Again, we are not constraining ourselves to the linearity of time. In Cindy’s view, they live in the future.
INTERVIEWER: Who is “they”?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Cindy.
INTERVIEWER: Who’s on first? Ha ha.
CHARLES DeMize: Abbot and Costello were racist.
INTERVIEWER: Of course. Yes, I know that. Let me ask you, what is your tense?
CHARLES DeMize: It shifts, maybe three or four times a day, but that’s just me. I will take a present tense in the morning, and will shift to future, then back to present, and then I will spend the afternoon and evening being in the past. It all depends. Some days I will be entirely in the past, particularly when my high school reunion is looming, for instance.
INTERVIEWER: Do you feel like the use of personal tenses and turning plural pronouns into singulars could make basic communication untenable?
CHARLES DeMize: Yes, if you are a white supremacist.
INTERVIEWER: What’s next on the horizon? Are there any other grammar trends we should be aware of?
CHARLES DeMize: Conjunctions I believe will be very important in the next year or two.
CHARLES DeMize: Yes, I firmly believe that the way we connect words has great societal meaning and that people will begin to choose their preferred way of doing so to convey their positions on a variety of issues.
INTERVIEWER: Do you mean conjunctions like “and” and “but”?
CHARLES DeMize: “And” is an inclusive conjunction. “But” is negative and often used to exclude or diminish others. For example, one could say, “I love cats and dogs,” or you could say, “I love cats, but I am a white supremacist.” Using the conjunction “nor” could imply arrogance, because it is something generally associated with 18th century British sea captains whose world view probably includes using ethnic slurs we wouldn’t even recognize today. The same goes for “whereas” and “yet.” “Provided” implies privilege since only those with provisions can provide for anyone and that would mean they had accumulated wealth that they arrogantly bestow upon others at their discretion, thus being at odds with a world view of equality, sharing, and mobs of people finding where the rich store all their stuff and just taking it.
INTERVIEWER: Considering that all words could have some kind of political or social meaning, even if we just said that saying a word is discriminatory against people who are unable to speak, do we find ourselves on a slippery slope in which no one will be able to say anything and if they do it will just be nonsense?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Speaking is discriminatory.
INTERVIEWER: It’s been a pleasure having you here today, Professor DeMize.
CHARLES DeMIZE: By saying it is a “pleasure” and then saying you “had me” means that you are a mental rapist violating me by projecting unwanted sex scenarios into your sentence.
INTERVIEWER: I apologize. Could you tell me what an appropriate sign off for an interview should be?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Yes. Say this next time: “…”
INTERVIEWER: I didn’t get that. What did you say?
CHARLES DeMIZE: I said: “….”
INTERVIEWER: You didn’t say anything.
CHARLES DeMIZE: Exactly.
INTERVIEWER: So, should we just stop speaking? Is that the most socially sensitive thing to do?
CHARLES DeMIZE: ….
INTERVIEWER: I get it. You’re saying nothing.
CHARLES DeMIZE: …
INTERVIEWER: So I should just stop saying anything too. I get it. And then we just kind of sit here and…
CHARLES DeMIZE: …
CHARLES DeMIZE: …
Rhoda. Bloom. I separated my name with a period because that’s the most creative I’m going to get for the rest of my life, which will probably be short. In my last column, I even assumed I would be dead by now. But guess what? I’m still just living the nightmare and waiting to get sideswiped by a horrifying medical diagnosis or a natural disaster where everyone I know has to say, “Oh my god. Rhoda Bloom lives there. Do you think she’s dead? Yeah. Rhoda Bloom. You don’t remember her? She was that weird girl nobody liked. Yeah, my sister, Rhoda Bloom.”
Speaking of natural disasters, I read an article about how a comet is coming straight for our planet. I kept skipping ahead so I could find the part where it says it won’t hit for 50 million years, but it wasn’t there. So, we’re all going to die. Whatever.
Meanwhile, I guess my COVID vaccine is wearing off. When the comet hits I’ll probably be wondering if I have the virus or just a really shitty cold where I also shit my pants. And I’ll have a rash too I guess. Probably in my ass, and the doctor will be like, “No one ever gets it there,” and then we’ll just watch the comet make impact from his doctor’s office window and he’ll be the last person I spend time with on Earth, which sucks for him.
There’s also the UFO stuff, of course. Those interplanetary motherfuckers are apparently all over the place and instead of being worried, we just take videos of them and post them and everyone’s like, “Hey, check out this Tik Tok of a UFO.” I’m assuming the aliens are freaked out by that, kind of like if you walk into a bar holding a huge gun and everyone just kind of turns and looks at you and then keeps drinking. I guess we’ve got that going for us. At least until they fire that metaphorical gun, which is probably like a hand-held super nuclear laser beam that also gives you COVID.
Speaking of Tik Tok, I guess if you look at it, the Chinese government controls your phone? But we keep doing it because we like twelve second videos of teenagers doing stuff nobody understands except teenagers and even they seem a little confused but don’t really care because I guess that’s the point? Does anyone get this at all?
In some good news, everybody dies. That kind of evens everything out.
In some other good news, I just watched a show called “Squid Game” where poor people play childhood playground games against each other and get killed if they fuck up. If you end up winning all the games it means everyone else died but you get to be a multi-millionaire. I really related to the fucking up and dying part and also the part where when you die you don’t get any of the money and it goes to someone else who wanted it more than you.
Inflation is going to be horrible, according to experts. Higher inflation means everything’s going to cost a lot more. Except death. Death will always be cheap.
Anyway, I guess I’m done writing. I need to check my Twitter feed where I just saw that everything in the entire world sucks. I think there are some links to articles. Instagram has some new pictures of successful people telling me to stop worrying what other people think of me so I can reach my goals. But I’m on Instagram because my goal is to have everyone like me. And my high school reunion is coming up according to Facebook and the theme is bikini beach party, so I guess that’ll delay the comet from hitting.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at email@example.com.
Ed Mountaineer adds to the twitter feud between Gerard Butler and Ryan Reynolds by telling our readers why he doesn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies. The reasons may astound you.
(From Ed Mountaineer)
I know a lot of people know me because of my relationships with celebrities and in the past year I’ve received a lot of criticism for my views on Ryan Reynolds. One reader made the claim that I was “hanging from Ryan's balls,” which is impossible because he has none. Burned.
I could end the article with that and the editor in my mind is screaming at me right now to do just that and walk away with a sick victory over Reynolds and all he represents, including airplane- themed alcohol (let’s drink and then fly a plane, bros!) and phones for poor people that trick them into thinking they’re going to have better breath (wrong!).
If you added up all the nonsense I’ve put up with from Reynolds it would total a number scientists haven’t invented yet because they would be like, “Why even have a number that high? That’s stupid.” Apparently they’ve never met Ryan Reynolds.
Anyway, when Gerard Butler came out to say he didn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies, Reynolds shot back by promoting charities about democracy and civil liberties and racial justice or something. Huh? Maybe he should start a new charity to help all the people who tried to eat one of his phones because their breath was so bad? Or one for all the pilots who crashed planes after getting drunk on his booze? I don’t know, Ryan… Just thinking out loud.
I promised the Intergalactic Business Report I would tell you why I, like Gerard, don’t watch movies by Ryan Reynolds and it might not be for the reasons you think. Here they are:
1. I don’t own a t.v. They took it away from me and don’t get me started on who “they” is. The point really is, how am I supposed to watch movies if I don’t have anything to watch them on?
2. I am banned from most movie theaters. This is a known fact and probably the reason Reynolds likes to have so many of his movies play in them.
3. I am not able to “see” Ryan Reynolds. My brain is trained to immediately shut down images of Reynolds so that I never have to look at him. Yes, this means I would probably lose in a fight against him because he would essentially be invisible and could sneak around and punch me. If that makes you feel like a big man, Ryan, go ahead and take a swing.
4. If I were able to get into a Ryan Reynolds movie without being detained or arrested, I would probably need to take a dump right at that moment and be in the bathroom for the next thirty minutes and when I was done I’d wander into basically any other movie and watch that instead, even if it was about a family coming together for Christmas or Thanksgiving and they have to deal with a tragedy from the past.
5. I did see a Ryan Reynolds movie once. Before I smartly made my pledge to never again see a Ryan Reynolds movie, I did see one and didn’t understand who I was watching. I asked myself, “Who is this approachable, funny, and charismatic actor who makes me want to watch more?” But that was Albert Brooks.
6. My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynold’s. I just needed to say that. I almost typed, “My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynolds.”
7. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
Turns out the richest man on planet Earth reads a lot of books. Or at least that’s what the Intergalactic Business Report discovered when it sent its top writers on a mission to find out just what the eccentric billionaire has in his book collection. We were shocked. And a little surprised. But believe it or not* these are the stories, novels, and non-fiction works that Musk reads every day.
1. Big Titties: a pop-up view book.
Despite its suggestive title, this book also focuses on breasts that aren’t that big. Warning: when you open chapter five—Brenda’s Bouncing Triple Gs—you get hit in the face.
2. Only I may read this.
This book is so exclusive only Elon Musk is allowed to read it.
3. Robot Viking Booty Warrior.
This novel chronicles the adventures of Fyornstad Gruenstein, an ancient Viking who is resurrected by scientists in the year 2176 to star in his own talk show. Unfortunately, no one can communicate with him through speech since he can only talk with a lost language, so he just fucks things.
4. Bold inventions of the Kitty Empire.
Here we see stuff kittens have invented, like string they pulled from a ball of yarn and a dead bird wing.
5. Emperor Gorgon X’s command book for Elon Musk.
This is just a huge list of shit that Musk must get done for someone called Emperor Gorgon X. Example: “Prepare Earth for my arrival. I’m putting a lot of trust in you, man. Take it seriously, all right?”
6. How to make up cool-sounding shit that you’ll never actually do.
A guide for constructing big ideas that appear amazing but are actually total bullshit, this book instructs readers how they can take part A (I have a vision/plan/idea for the future), add it to part B (And that is that we will all be able to travel/communicate/trade/store things in) and then tack on part C (using giant rubber bands/telepathic brain plugs/space currency/your mom’s butt).
Every other week, Netflix announces it’s cancelling shows and every other week, the internet shows a picture of a show that there’s no way they’d cancel next to the headline that Netflix is cancelling shows. Want to know which series are getting the axe for real? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you eight shows that are finally meeting their demise. We list them below:
SHOW: Poison Pals (Cancelled).
PLOT: Two Nova Scotian high school boys poison each other on a dare.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: They both die in the first episode, because they eat the kind of poison that kills you immediately.
SHOW: Burstoff (Cancelled).
PLOT: David Burstoff is the world’s most successful art thief, but his lifestyle is in jeopardy when a loveable eight-year-old who may or may not be his son paints a picture worth 8 billion dollars. Should he steal from his own possible son? Or should he take the money he’s already made from stealing art over the years and buy a reasonable home in the suburbs and raise his maybe kid who will call all the shots in this new family because he’s now a billionaire. Also, there’s a maid who talks back a lot. Like she’s more part of the family than a domestic servant.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Read above.
SHOW: Are you fucking crazy? (Cancelled).
PLOT: Hot young studs are placed on an island with hot young women all of whom are clinically insane. After dating around for three days, the studs must choose to either leave the island as a couple or commit their new girlfriends to a mental health facility.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Executives found it too similar to every other stuck on an island dating program.
SHOW: Dustin Nason Unblown (Cancelled).
PLOT: Dustin Nason can’t get a blow job to save his life, both figuratively and literally, as a terrorist group gives him 30 minutes to get oral sex or they will ignite a bomb attached to his genitals.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: The show was only 30 minutes long, and even though Dustin achieves a blow job with a mysterious cloaked person who is also probably a member of the terrorist group, the terrorists didn’t really have an understanding about how to turn off explosives once they set them.
SHOW: River by the Bay (Cancelled).
PLOT: Becky Welsh is a big-time nail aesthetician from LA who gets displaced from the big city when Jeff, her powerful convenience store manager husband, has an affair with a Red Robin waitress and Becky makes a choice to leave him for a new life in the small town of River by the Bay. While jealous Jeff tries to find her whereabouts, Becky meets an attractive Taco Bell employee who may or may not be the third shift meat hose operator.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Episode 3, “Suck My Meat Hose,” brought about a lawsuit from Taco Bell and a broke several actors' mouths.
SHOW: The Beehaven Chronicles (Cancelled).
PLOT: This adaptation of the children’s book series features Abel Applethorpe, a feisty forty-seven-year-old man who moves to a new town and finds a secret world in his own butt, which he names Beehaven.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: In the books, Abel is ten years old and Beehaven is a secret fairy world he finds in the woods behind his old Victorian house. Not sure why Netflix changed all that but fans were like, “What?”
SHOW: Drive Till You Pass Out (Cancelled).
PLOT: Stunt driver Daryl Morin drives till he passes out, sometimes crashing his vehicle, but mostly he just pulls off the road and falls asleep.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Daryl can drive almost forever, so the show is a lot of him driving and listening to podcasts. There’s also a lot of public service announcements about not driving tired, mostly starring Daryl, which seems kind of confusing.
SHOW: The Sword and the Goat (Cancelled).
PLOT: Parthian Prince Avanar Xaradu must defend his ancestral lands against invading Roman armies. Can he unite his people and use his guile and charm to trick his new enemies? Or will his weakness to have sex with farm animals all the time, impede his chances?
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Historians criticized the series for its misunderstanding of history including that there was a Parthian Prince who fucked goats and cows. But also basically everything else too.
Mike Thompson wrote this. All of it. He told us he would kill us with his penis.
Me Mike Thompson. Me kill you with penis. Penis so strong. So big. It kill you! Me kill you! With it!
My name is Mike Thompson, and I am pleased that the Intergalactic Business Report hired me to be a new “featured writer” for their online magazine. Many of my friends told me to be wary accepting such a position because they had read the Intergalactic Business Report and they found it “scary” and “written by psychopaths" or maybe "really drunk psychopaths.” But it didn’t scare me a bit. A little about myself: (REDACTED).
Me have big penis. Me hurt you with it if you come near me. Maybe I even come near you on purpose so I can hit you with my big penis.
After Harvard, I took a post graduate position in the U.K., where I used my free time to write a blog about human relationships in a post-modern world. I feel my insights might give readers of this magazine a new perspective on society, our collective history, and contemporary issues. The Intergalactic Business Report seems lacking in this regard because (REDACTED).
My penis hard now! That make it more dangerous! ANGHHHHHHHH! Penis HARD! PENIS STRONG!
A former employee of the Intergalactic Business Report even contacted me to tell me that the editors will completely alter writers’ articles and crudely "redact" whole sections to make the writer seem perverse or mentally unstable. But why would anyone do that? That would be insane, right? Anyway, I (REDACTED) and I assume no publication anywhere would do such a thing.
I look forward to being part of the Intergalactic Business Report team and hope my contributions may offer a bit of enlightenment and comfort in a world where (REDACTED). UGH! Penis now soft! Must leave now and come back when it hard again! I done writing now. Good bye.
Recently, the North Korean government warned young people about the dangers of using slang and incorporating fashion from South Korea and Western pop culture. Violators could face up to fifteen years in a prison camp, which, we’re just guessing, would completely suck.
One problem with the new North Korean policy is that it is almost impossible to list all the possible offenses that could be made, since pop culture has an almost endless stream of sayings, idioms, and fashion choices.
In an effort to assist North Koreans who may accidentally utter something treacherous, the Intergalactic Business Report lists six key phrases and choices they may want to definitively avoid. We share them below:
1. Refrain from saying “Kim Jong-Un sucks balls.”
2. Don’t wear American flag cowboy hats.
3. Never say, “Kim Jong-Un low key sucks balls.”
4. Similarly, don’t say, “No cap. Kim Jong-Un sucks balls.”
5. Avoid wearing tee shirts that say, “America: number one. North Korea: Sucks balls.”
6. Don’t say, “That tee shirt about Kim Jong-Un sucking balls is straight fire.”
The Intergalactic Business Report’s own dating and relationship expert, Tessa Miggs, tells our readers her test for determining if you’ve met the one you should spend the rest of your life with. See her column below:
When the Intergalactic Business Report asked me to write for them about dating, I told them right away that if I did, it would not be a tired old advice column with a bunch of clichés and useless information about where to go on a first date or how long to wait before calling or texting after a night of sex. I wanted to give real advice that people in the dating world could use every day—stuff I wish I’d known when I first started my dating journey.
A lot of people ask how I became a “dating expert.” They wonder how a twenty-eight year old woman who’s never been married or been in a relationship longer than a month could possibly offer any insights into what it takes to find a mate.
They also ask why experts like me are always so shallow and empty. Why do I, for instance, spend my time going out on dates, critiquing the men I meet, and then write about what they did wrong without ever mentioning how totally fucked up I am as a person?
One friend of mine even said, “I’d take relationship advice from an old lady who’s been married for 50 years, but not you. You have serious intimacy issues, and you look for married guys who look like your dad.”
To these comments and questions, I always say, “Relax. I never said I had all the answers. All I can promise you is that I can help you find lasting love with the perfect partner.”
My record is pretty clear. Last year, I introduced thirty people to their future spouses. Whether they choose to stay together is out of my control. Many of them had language barriers and different ideas about what it means to be in a relationship, such as, “Why is this fat dude from Russia yelling at me during this speed dating thing that Tessa Miggs forced me to go to in her tiny apartment?” And “Where is everyone else?” And, of course, “Where is Tessa? Where the fuck did she go? Why did she leave me here?”
But I could talk about speed dating and matchmaking all day. Let me get on to the point of this column, which is how to know someone is “the One.” I dig deep into my expertise for this subject because, although I’ve never found “the One,” I have definitely dismissed a lot of men for not being, “the One.” Here’s how it goes.
After dating him for three months (if you’re me, three days is fine too), take a long, hard look at him and ask yourself how you’d feel looking at him as you walk down the aisle to get married.
Do you say:
1. “This guy is too good for me. I can’t believe he’s marrying me. What does he see in me?”
2. “I think we have a strong friendship and can make this work, even though I don’t feel the spark of romance is quite there yet.”
3. “This guy looks almost exactly like my dad and I think he can take care of me and finally give me proof that I’m wanted.”
4. “I feel equal to this person and I am totally and fully in love. We complete each other.”
If you think number three then get married. This guy is “the One.” For sure. The mistake most people make is thinking that “compatibility” is the same as being “compatible” with someone and that “being in love” means that you have feelings that make you feel as though you would do anything for that person. You aren’t someone’s slave. That’s weird.
On the other hand, think about your dad for a second. You’d do anything for him and family comes first. Sounds a little counter intuitive maybe but you know you love your dad, right? Even if he wasn’t always there for you and seemed super into your best friend’s mom who he married and moved to Texas with.
Anyway, the point is that you need to look within. Not at superficial looks or feelings that lead you astray. That’s what I tell my clients when they ask, “Why did you leave me alone with that Russian dude? He was like seventy years old and super angry.”
All I can answer with is this wisdom: When you’re seventy, will you be super angry too? Or will you be finally ready for love?
Only you can answer that question.
Tessa Miggs is the relationship and dating expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. She can be reached at email@example.com
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.