Ever wonder what celebrities do on Valentine’s Day? Columnist Cedric Bigglestone reveals what his most hated famous people are doing February 14.
If you know anything about me it’s probably that I have an extreme hatred for certain celebrities. Contrary to popular belief, that doesn’t mean I’m a “stalker” or have an “unhealthy obsession” with famous people, or that I “pose a danger” to them, as many Fan Club presidents, teenage mall girls I’ve spoken to, and members of the law enforcement community have falsely proclaimed.
Instead, my dislike for some celebrities is rooted in a rational, almost Jesus-like wisdom that only extremely intelligent and worldly people can understand. O.K. Got that out of the way. Now I’m going to tell you what my least favorite celebrities are probably doing today, Valentine’s Day, 2021.
Yelling at his dog trainer for not getting his animal to learn tricks fast enough and then trying to act cool when someone enters the room and immediately starts to doubt that he’s perfect, and that person is right.
Working out with kettle bells or something and then someone enters the room and sees that he’s not actually working that hard and that it’s all an act and that he doesn’t even take his shirt off anymore so why’s he even pretending? Mark thinks about silencing the interloper because he feels he should be allowed to do things like that because he’s like a prince or something from one of those foreign countries where they can kill people and nobody does anything about it. But then he remembers he’s in America so fuck him. The law will rain down upon his ass if he does shit to that person.
Calling Luiz Guzman to tell him he loves him but not in a gay way and not because they’re both Hispanic, but because they’re just both cool and bros and like and respect each other as men. Then he hangs up and calls Ryan Reynolds who won’t answer his calls because Mario’s not considered “cool enough” (actual quote) even though he switched to Mint Mobile hoping Ryan would pick up. Turns out he doesn’t care. Fuck Ryan Reynolds.
Jumps on a group call with Luiz and Mario to talk about how big of a fucking dick Ryan Reynolds is. They all totally agree that he’s a dick but each of them have specific details about why. They discuss those.
Chad Michael Murray.
Big plans with his wife tonight. But also has that stupid fucking middle name. Time to get rid of it? Guess not. Because he’s had it for like thirty years. So stupid. Lose it. Professional advice.
Ryan Reynold’s dog.
Didn’t learn tricks fast enough so now is out of favor with King Dickhead the First. Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.
Not caring at all about Ryan Reynolds or Mark Wahlberg. Just getting laid constantly today with random women who show up at my apartment or van. So sweet! I don’t need friends who don’t call me back or run away when I find them. Uh oh, is someone knocking on my van? Must be another groupie. Nope. It’s a cop. Must have found my letters to Ryan Reynolds. Guess I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at email@example.com.
“Big Humor” publication the Onion won’t accept ideas outside their inner circle and have a strict no submission policy. But what should writers at the Intergalactic Business Report do when they come up with goofy headlines we won’t use because that’s not our thing?
The answer: throw them in the virtual trash in a lame attempt to give them to humor icons like the Onion. Below, we list 20 or so headlines we came up with. And yes, most of them suck. And are dated. But they’re just sitting there, in our cyber trash, so…
1. Mind reader has no excuse when boss asks him why he didn’t do what he didn’t ask him to do.
2. Nazi time travelers confirm 23 and Me would have saved them a lot of time.
3. Man finally limbers up enough to felate himself. Finds out he hates felatio.
4. Jesus shows up at “come to Jesus” meeting. Says he doesn’t care Rhonda missed her deadline.
5. Eric B. and Rakim still working on master plan they started in 1987.
6. Blue Blockers infomercial shoot goes awry when Keith David refuses to wear them.
7. Slutty version of Alexa available soon.
8. Tainted ass sends six to hospital with E. coli.
9. Ohio State fraternity president graduates with Magna Cum Louder honor.
10. Eastern Canada named sluttiest region after being repeatedly slammed by Hurricane Dorian last year.
11. Man named “BJ” reveals real name is Buttfucker Jerkoff.
12. Wildlife sanctuary owner considers pay-per-view event where animal “best friends” kill each other.
13. Man who says, “Hey my friend” to people who aren’t his friends has actual friends questioning his loyalty.
14. Adult film industry stumped in coming up with porn titles for Pacific Rim franchise.
15. New sex robot so realistic it just wants to be friends.
16. Business dude impregnates trophy wife by making direct deposit into CD with 9-month maturity rate.
17. Discount strip clubs blamed for coin shortage.
18. Teacher chose teaching over being a doctor because he wanted to grow young minds and nobody anywhere would allow him to be a doctor.
19. In solidarity with BLM, country music group “the Klansmen” to be now known as “the men.”
20. In chilling rebuke of Biden inauguration, Trump releases Bigfoots from White House basement.
21. Man has “butt feeling” his hemorrhoids are back.
In a stunning move, columnist Ed Mountaineer has decided to leave the Intergalactic Business Report to write exclusively for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a high-brow laugh-at-this-because-it-was-written-by-a-funny-college-professor-or-something online publication that has in no way invited Ed to join them.
Below, Ed describes his decision and how he wishes to become a more highly cultured writer, appreciated by a wider, more intellectual audience. We bid Ed farewell, whatever that means.
Why I’m leaving for McSweeney’s. By Ed Mountaineer.
First off, I want to thank everyone at the Intergalactic Business Report. You guys are great. Seriously. But there comes a time when a writer like me needs to move on and find a place more accepting of my original brand of expression. That place, I feel, is something called McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
I found McSweeney’s when I was trying to type something else into my computer. I was like, “What the fuck is this?” when I first saw their Web site. I added, “This has nothing to do with small men having sex with enormous women.” Instead of that, it was a lot of super smart, kind of funny stuff where you need to laugh because you’re at some dude’s house and he brought out some really expensive dishware and you’re eating off it and everyone else there is laughing so you better too.
I felt like that vibe was completely on for me. I read more. They had lists. I do lists. They had writing. I do writing. It seemed like such a perfect match, and I knew right then that I had to end my contract with the Intergalactic Business Report and start writing for McSweeney’s instead. So, McSweeney’s, I accept the position of head senior writer. Thank you and also you’re welcome at the same time.
Maybe first off we will get rid of the whole “Internet Tendency” thing because it sounds like an 80’s band if people used the internet back then. We can work on something new, like, “Home of Ed Mountaineer,” or, “No Lube Required,” which is even better, but you could also just combine the two. Anyway, we’ll work on it. I’m sure you’re pleased to see how much time I’ve already put into my new job. Get used to it!
Next up, there need to be more pictures. You know it. I know it. So know it. I’m thinking stuff with mighty animals but who knows? Like a wolf or bear but one who also commands an army or at least is wearing a helmet and can wield a sword. I’m not going all Narnia with this. My concept is different. So when I get there, if anyone says the word “Narnia,” I’ll freak. Just fair warning. Start getting used to some of my foibles and triggers. I have a few. O.K. I’ll list them, so you know:
Anyway… I’m grateful for the opportunity and can’t wait to get started. I guess I’ll just wait for instructions and dossiers on the other writers and stuff.
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ever tell a funny joke only no one thinks it’s funny? That could be because you’re dumb and the other people in the room are too intelligent to comprehend what you’re saying. In an attempt to build a bridge between the smart and unsmart, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 11 common jokes only dumb people will understand. If you get these, you’re dumb. If you don’t, be kind and laugh at them when a dumb person recites them.
JOKE ONE: “PFFFFFFT…. PFFFFFFFT…. PFFFFFTTTTT!”
JOKE TWO: “Turd…”
JOKE THREE: “Your mom is so ugly…”
JOKE FOUR: “Dog…”
JOKE FIVE: “My penis…”
JOKE SIX: “AHHHHHHHHHHH…”
JOKE SEVEN: “Poop…”
JOKE EIGHT: “Are you Hulk Hogan?”
JOKE NINE: “SCHNZZZZZZZ….”
JOKE TEN: “HEE HEE HEE HEE. LAUGH MOTHERFUCKER!”
JOKE ELEVEN: “Did you drop this?” WHACK! (Face slap needed for this one to work).
Aristotle is known as the “father of wisdom,” and his insights on philosophy, science, and fantasy football* have proved so timeless that we even talk about them today. When he spoke in the agora** he commanded respect and reverence, mostly because he used five tricks for public speaking that you can use too. Here they are:
1. When possible, offer to “blow” members of your audience. This will get them on your side and have them transfixed on what you’ll say next.
2. Periodically suggest you will pull out your penis to show the audience. It helps tremendously if you also say your phallus (that’s Greek for dong) is enormous and that they won’t believe how huge it is.
3. In case they didn’t understand what you meant when you said you would “blow” them, start saying you will “suck their dicks.”
4. Use phrases that connect with your audience. For instance, “Unhhhh!” and, “I will suck your motherfucking dicks!”
5. Show your butthole. But only if the first four aren’t working.
*It was called something else back then, we assume.
**Greek for “public restroom.”
Worse than Armie Hammer? Terrified girlfriends describe their relationship with celebrity James Charles Austin.
If you’ve kept up on the gossip surrounding actor Armie Hammer’s alleged cannibalism, you know just how fucked up celebrity relationships can be (allegedly). When we heard about the claims made about Hammer, the Intergalactic Business Report immediately thought of James Charles Austin, one of entertainment’s most notorious bad boys. He had to be worse than Armie Hammer, right?
After interviewing him and several of his exes, what we discovered did not disappoint, and solidified Austin’s reputation as the biggest piece of shit in Hollywood. Below, we excerpt the lowlights of what we experienced.
1. James Charles Austin is “a fucking liar,” and is “give me some fucking money, motherfucker.”
This is what one woman told us when we asked her if she had ever had sex with James Charles Austin. She added that she would suck our dick for money. Clearly, James Charles Austin had turned her into a broken woman and left her under a bridge, where we found her.
2. The scandals around James Charles Austin are so bad that he’s stopped making any movies or television shows.
Seriously. Try to find any. We couldn’t.
3. James Charles Austin is into violent sex fantasies where he beats up men in Target parking lots.
We found this out when we tried to interview him in a Target parking lot.
4. James Charles Austin gets super jittery when you bring up cannibalism, which indicates he’s a cannibal.
When you react the way James Charles Austin does when you approach him in a Target parking lot and accuse him of cannibalism, it’s probably because you’re a cannibal. Why else would you get so defensive and tell everybody to “fucking leave me alone,” and “who the fuck are you people?”
5. Former girlfriends all say James Charles Austin is “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you. I will call the fucking cops.”
Almost all former lovers we interviewed said the same thing. Almost exactly.
6. James Charles Austin likes to assume an alter ego/alias of “Steve Risheski” as part of a dangerous sex game he plays in Target parking lots.
In this strange fetish, James Charles Austin pretends he’s someone called Steve Risheski and tells you to fuck off. Then you try to help him load his groceries into his car and he hits you and climaxes in his pants (we assume).
In a surprise move, the Intergalactic Business Report announced a brand new writing award and then announced a winner a few seconds later. The award, called the IBR Genius Prize for Writing, is similar to others the publication has revealed in recent months, including one for greatest human being on Earth, given to Vanderpump Rules’ Tom Sandoval, and another for the seduction strategies of fictional character Jack Sheridan on Netflix’s Virgin River.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor of the Intergalactic Business Report, said the decision to award the prize came when he and his editorial staff came upon a writer who embodied everything his magazine is about.
“It’s not often we come across a talent so strong and so obvious that we need to immediately recognize his talent as a writer and thinker,” Latouffe explains.
The award carries a non-paid cash prize of zero dollars as well as a senior writing position with the Intergalactic Business Report (also unpaid). “It’s life-changing for the recipient,” Latouffe says.
But the Genius Prize winner presents a problem to the IBR staff. Since he was found in a stock photo they came across on the internet, they have no idea who he is. The mystery man, pictured holding his writing, has been given a temporary John Doe name of Sir Frodo Chillingsworth Langbottoms the Third by Latouffe’s editorial staff. “We just started calling him that,” Latouffe says, “Because it seemed easier than just calling him ‘that guy.’ Someone used that as a placeholder name and it just stuck.”
Will Sir Frodo accept the award? Latouffe doesn’t know, but he hopes the man will eventually reach out and accept a writing position with the publication. “He has everything it takes to be a major contributor at IBR,” Latouffe mentions. “I see him in the mold of Ed Mountaineer and Cedric Bigglestone, but even bigger. He has so much more to say.”
For now, the Intergalactic Business Report will have to admire Sir Frodo Chillingsworh Langbottoms the Third from afar and wait for him to contact them, primarily because Latouffe’s magazine “does not have the ‘organizational intelligence’ to track down a person from a stock photo.” Latouffe adds, “That’s detective shit.”
If you have any recommendations for future prizes the Intergalactic Business Report should award, contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
As a publication that publishes things we write, the Intergalactic Business Report is also able to create and administer awards for anything it deems worthy. In this spirit, we announce our first Genius Award, which goes to a fictional character played by Martin Henderson on the Netflix show, “Virgin River.”
Henderson’s character, Jack Sheridan, is a semi-alcoholic ex-marine who runs a bar in the Northern California hamlet of Virgin River. Jack spends his days drinking and his nights porking hair stylist Charmaine Roberts, in a brilliantly devised “casual” relationship in which Jack shows up for booty calls and stares through her when she suggests she has feelings for him.
Enter hot nurse practitioner Melinda Monroe, who spends much of her time explaining what a nurse practitioner is. Melinda, known by her male version name of “Mel,” is coerced into serving out a term in the village by snarky horrible human being and mayor Hope McCrea. (On a side note, Hope’s estranged husband is the town doctor and Mel’s boss, played by Animal House’s Otter. He came in a close second for his ability to convince Hope and other women in the town that he’s just a grumpy old doctor and not a sex fiend, but they don’t understand that he’s actually Otter from Animal House and he’s playing 3D chess with their vaginas).
Anyway… Mel meets Jack. They have an instant connection. Mel isn’t ready for a relationship, so she just has intermittent casual sex with Jack, who, as a genius manipulator, keeps himself in the friendzone with benefits.
HOW JACK DOES IT:
Jack has impressive eyes. They make him look really serious, as if he’s listening to your every word. In reality, he’s probably just drunk and forgotten what came out of your mouth three seconds ago, but he keeps quiet long enough that you have no idea.
Using his eyes as an anchor, Jack captures Mel’s attention. He then moves on to grooming her for his ultimate plan. He starts with offering her rides everywhere during which he listens to Mel whine about her life as he pretends to listen. He tests her boundaries by taking her to a creepy baseball batting cage he’s constructed in the middle of the forest. Finally, he fixes up Mel’s crappy cabin into a “love shack” where he can show up any time, unannounced, and see if she’ll bone him.
HOW JACK’S FRIENDZONE WITH BENEFITS WORKS:
For Jack to successfully keep Mel in check, he consistently overplays his devotion to her. This includes constantly asking her if she can deny she has feelings for him and pretending he wants more, even though he never goes into detail (smart, Jack. Very smart). He never, for instance, asks her to marry him. He never even suggests they move in together. He never gives her jewelry or a ring or any keepsake that could be tied back to him. Every time he pushes, Mel retracts and suggests they stay as “friends.” Jack acts hurt but actually revels in this because he knows as soon as she utters the word “friends” she will soon have non-commitment sex with him. After one such encounter, Mel awakens to tell Jack she is sorry she let things go too far—meaning having sex with him. He gleefully consents to going back to being “friends.” Genius.
JACK SHERIDAN. LIVING THE LIFE.
Just to put the rest of Jack’s life in context, we feel we should mention some other things he has going for him.
-He owns a bar. It’s always packed.
-He drinks whenever he wants. It’s free.
-He has a super responsible friend named Preacher who does all the shit work for him.
-Jack is a total dick to Preacher, expecting him to never leave the bar so that Jack can tool around town offering rides to Mel and fixing shit for her to gain her trust.
-Jack gets Charmaine pregnant with twins and confines her to a “Misery” style existence in evil Hope’s house, while he pursues Mel.
-Jack can probably kick anyone’s ass. Don’t test him.
-Jack’s entire day is free. He can be anywhere at any time and if he shows up somewhere and doesn’t want to be there, he can make up some bullshit about how he needs to “get back to the bar.”
-When Jack does show up at the bar it’s to pour himself a drink, flirt with or mindfuck Mel, or to sit in his pretend office and shuffle through papers until Preacher comes in and says he can take care of that for him, probably because Jack doesn’t even understand what’s on the papers and what it means.
-The hair. Nobody has hair like that.
Editor’s note: We’re only about half-way through Season Two. Don’t write us with a bunch of bullshit that will ruin it for us.
Recently, philanthropist Mackenzie Scott has given away billions to low-profile charities throughout the country. Many of these organizations were shocked to receive the money because they couldn’t believe that a person of Scott’s profile and wealth would regard them as worthy.
Although the Intergalactic Business Report is not a charity, it does take on causes that change lives and the world for the better. We applaud Ms. Scott and respectfully request she consider funding the Intergalactic Business Report, the greatest source of information in the universe.
Below, we summarize some of the causes we are most passionate about for her review:
CAUSE: Give me five.
PURPOSE: Funds penis enhancement surgery for men who feel inadequate without monster schlongs.
CAUSE: Sharing isn’t caring.
PURPOSE: We seek to end the barbaric practice of “family style” meals in restaurants where only the shit food is left for you to eat and there’s only one piece left of anything good and nobody wants to take the last portion so it just sits there.
CAUSE: Lose your grip.
PURPOSE: Organized universal movement to end handshaking not because of COVID but because it’s weird if you think about it. Also, there are people who don’t let go of your hand and they need to be stopped.
CAUSE: End fake space fashion.
PURPOSE: We work to finally stop people from being allowed to show up to work dressed like Star Wars characters, real or imagined.
CAUSE: Public awareness campaign about a false vaccine.
PURPOSE: This campaign centers around ending the myth generated by Carl Ystrepi of Bonhucken, Maine that his penis can deliver a “hot beef injection” that gives recipients total immunity from COVID.
CAUSE: Sit the bench.
PURPOSE: This year, 8 million people will be denied spots on benches in public parks because statues of fake people occupy this space. We all should be able to “sit the bench.”
Sick of all the movies that are “killing it on Netflix”? Try these alternatives, brought to you by the Intergalactic Business Report. Some of them may be hard to find, but if you don’t want to watch the same old movies this year, check these out today.
PLOT: The titular “Sandpa” is actually Santa, as in “Santa” Claus. But no one can pronounce his name when he’s forcibly moved to a tropical island full of Elves banished from the North Pole for their speech impediments.
SPOILER: They murder him.
MOVIE: “Big piece of shit Christmas.”
PLOT: Get ready for the tale of a boy in Italy who receives a giant piece of shit for Christmas. Who gave it to him and why? Delight in this foreign language film where the magic of the season is subdued by having to read subtitles while you wonder if the screaming Italian dude in the movie is actually saying what it says he said.
SPOILER: His dad gave it to him. The “why” part is never explained but we think it’s an Italian thing that only they would comprehend.
MOVIE: “A dark, dark Christmas.”
PLOT: Mythical creature Hadifus Darkness plots to put the entire holiday season inside his enormous butt. Can he fit it? And how is it possible to put a season in a butt?
SPOILER: Some children stop him. And there are a few disturbing scenes of them escaping his butt.
MOVIE: “Christmas in my butt.”
PLOT: Not to be confused with the plot of “A dark, dark Christmas,” this 80’s archival masterpiece features adult film star Jeff Turbo, who tries to see what yuletide items he can fit in his ass.
SPOILER: Don’t watch the scene with the Yule log. When it gets to that part, just turn it off. Seriously.
MOVIE: “My cousin the elf.”
PLOT: Trading on the success of “My cousin Vinny,” this cinematic romp is the story of two boys arrested for murder as they drive through Alabama on their way back to college. Is it a case of mistaken identity? One of the boys calls his cousin, a Christmas elf, to represent them in court.
SPOILER: The elf has no legal skills or background. And, unlike, Vinny, he doesn’t turn it around and suddenly get good at criminal law. The boys are executed and the elf sings a creepy version of “Silent Night,” as the dual electric chairs singe them.
MOVIE: “The Christmas bargain.”
PLOT: Box store manager Larry Fields decides he’s going to give away everything for free this year, in the spirit of Christmas.
SPOILER: He’s fired. Turns out you’re not allowed to do that, unless you own the store, which Larry doesn’t.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.