“Lose your grip.” The Intergalactic Business Report heads new movement to stop handshaking. (But it has nothing to do with COVID-19 spread.)
The Intergalactic Business Report has a venerable history of serving the public through charitable work and public awareness efforts. In the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic, our editors noticed a movement born to stop people from performing handshakes. This became an opportunity for IBR to bring to light a serious issue that it has openly fought against for years: the practice of the “too long” handshake. To end this horrifying cultural abomination, we recommend that the handshake (even the shorter, less frightening ones) be banned altogether.
Here are the facts about the “too long handshake” crisis in America and the world.
FACT ONE: Before COVID-19, approximately 40 million people per day shook hands at least once in the United states. Of those 40 million, between 4 and 14 million performed what we call a “too long” handshake.
FACT TWO: A “too long” handshake is an opportunity for a handshaking deviant to grasp your hand and hold it indefinitely, making you wonder if he will ever let go. Too long handshakers (or TLHs) exploit common social etiquette to serve their odd perversion and receive gratification from “capturing” your hand.
FACT THREE: With the advent of the Coronavirus pandemic, handshaking numbers plummeted and remain relatively low. For now… TLHs, infuriated by health concerns that inadvertently cut off their supply of victims, began to offer their hands as a gesture of political unity or trust. When people fell for it, the TLHs would hold their hands for what seemed like an eternity.
FACT FOUR: We all know the feeling of making the mistake of shaking someone’s hand and then seeing the crazy glint in his eyes as he watches you panic and try to retract your fingers from his icy grip. When this happens, you have unwittingly let yourself become a part of his sick perversion.
FACT FIVE: People ask us if our efforts have to do with public health. Sure. If that stops you from shaking hands and giving too long handshakers a forum to abuse their fellow citizens. But in actuality, we just always thought shaking hands was creepy and want it ended today.
FACT SIX: People who say stuff like, “How dare you tell me not to shake hands!” And, “Shaking hands is part of our culture! I won’t give that up!” are just trying to trick you into giving up your hand to them so they can hold it in ecstasy while you struggle to get free.
FACT SEVEN: Please see our public service memes below:
Fresh off their recent hit, “America’s open. So is my snatch,” the Intergalactic Business Report’s singer/songwriter duo, Jeff Massengill and Summer Eve, return with a new song about how they plan to spend this Thanksgiving holiday amid the Coronavirus pandemic. While we can’t provide sound or melody, we are releasing the lyrics, below:
“Had fun all this summer, but that’s gonna end… Another big lockdown is just round the bend…”
“We’ve stocked all our whiskey and toothpaste in tubes… On my kitchen table is a bottle of lube..”
“If you’ve got a penis and you’re all alone… You don’t need nobody, cause you have your bone…”
“No Turkey no gravy no cranberry sauce… Just me and my wiener getting ready to toss…”
“My holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving Ima play with myself…”
“It’s lonely this Thursday with no one around… But I do have one friend every time I look down…”
“No relatives with all their political rants… So this year I’m gonna get in my own pants…”
“My celebrations have gone up a notch… Since I decided to be with my crotch…”
“My holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving Ima play with myself…”
“Your holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving, just play with yourself…”
*Artist notes: REPEAT LIKE FORTY TIMES.
In solidarity with the people of Chicago, Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer prepares for a solo Thanksgiving. His insights may help everyone go it alone successfully this holiday.
First off, my name is Ed Mountaineer. I always like to get that out of the way. Second off, I want to talk about my plans for Thanksgiving this year. I just learned that people in Chicago have to spend it alone and can’t see their families and friends, so I thought I’d give them some hope. I broke it down into five main things they should be happy about. Here they are:
1. You don’t have to chew with your mouth closed anymore.
This is probably my favorite part of a solo Thanksgiving. You can eat however you want without someone telling you, “Please, Ed, for the love of God, close your mouth while you’re eating.” Also, you don’t have to put up with all the, “You just spit food on me. What’s wrong with you? Do you seriously not understand how to eat? It’s really simple. Just chew. With your mouth shut. And don’t talk while you’re eating because then the food comes shooting out and hits everyone.” No more of that bullshit. At least not this Thanksgiving.
2. Being drunk is the same as being sober.
In the past, you would try to speak after drinking all day and it was hard. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner would call what you were saying, “gibberish.” Now when you talk “gibberish” it’s normal because no one is there to call it that and you understand it so fuck them.
3. No one can say your penis isn’t huge.
When I said earlier that the chewing thing was my favorite I guess I lied. This one is. Every Thanksgiving, usually when we’re done eating and maybe sitting around watching football, someone inevitably starts a dick measuring contest, and I always lose. I don’t want to get into why but let’s just say it has to do with someone who has a monster schlong and someone whose dick is considered “super small.” Guess who has the monster schlong this Thanksgiving? You (meaning me).
4. You don’t have to modulate the volume on your voice.
How many times at Thanksgiving do people tell you that you’re screaming? Or to “Stop screaming, Ed. Just talk in a normal voice!” This Thanksgiving, all those people can do whatever WHILE I TALK HOW I WANT TO. (I just screamed that.)
5. It’s almost impossible to “threaten” or fight yourself.
Unlike normal Thanksgivings, there’s no one around to challenge to throw down or just follow around super closely till they punch you. You can try to do it to yourself but it doesn’t work. It’s like, “Hey fucker I always hated you since we were little kids!” But then you’re saying that you hate yourself and not your stupid cousin or brother or whoever and it’s not the same. Also, when you hit yourself it hurts in a way that’s unlike when you hit someone else. Mostly because both your fist and your face hurt when usually it’s only your fist.
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After unsuccessfully running for office, Ed needs work. If you would like to hire him, please see his résumé here.
Thanksgiving 2020 is a lot different than I expected. Let me start with that. I realize many of you have assumptions about what it’s like for a “privileged” kid with a trust fund around the holidays but I can tell you right now you’re probably wrong.
On most Thanksgivings we keep it simple and traditional at my house. We have a turkey and stuffing and all the things you probably have in your home. We have our annoying relatives over. We even watch football. So before you start saying, “Oh, I bet your Thanksgiving is in a huge house with a butler and you don’t even have to cook the food yourself because you make a poor person skip Thanksgiving to make your food,” just think about how my family employs that butler and that cook who can’t spend time with their families on the holidays but also have jobs, which is better.
On this Thanksgiving though, we can’t do what we normally do. And you probably can’t either, although I’m not judgy and understand you may be part of one of those COVID hives where people with no shirts breathe on each other and drink Miller High Life at a pool. That’s your life and you don’t know any better. I get that.
For me, it’s a different story. It’s a story about responsibility and following science. We’ve all heard by now that we shouldn’t have a bunch of people over for the holidays. For my family there are a lot of upsides to that, like not having to deal with my step-uncle who’s kind of hot but kind of also not part of our family anymore because he’s divorced from my aunt but he still comes over because he likes to see me. It’s just inappropriate, according to my aunt, but she’s kind of a bitch and also her ex-husband is into me so it’s not like she’s being totally honest about anything.
Then there are the downsides, and that’s really what I wanted to write about today. There are so many, but I narrowed it down to five. They will totally surprise all the haters out there who think I’m shallow and don’t care about other humans.
1. Servants have to wear masks around us. I hate seeing other people have to cover themselves while I do whatever I want. It’s not fair. How is it OK that I can breathe on them or yell at them when they screw up and they just have to sit there and take it? I’ll bet you didn’t know I even thought about this stuff, but it breaks my heart because I’m sensitive. It also sucks because it’s creepy as shit, like they all work at a funeral home or something and I can’t see if they’re laughing at me or making faces. It’s weird. I hate it.
2. How can I help poor people if I need to stay inside all day? I know, right?
3. Being in a warm, safe home that could probably house 20 families makes me sad for how many people are cold and unsafe. Think about the stress of sitting comfortably in a mansion and knowing that there are people out there who not only don’t live in mansions, but also probably live in wherever you live. That must suck. I’m sorry. I really am sorry.
4. I can eat as much as I want, but I won’t because I don’t want to get fat. On the contrary, you probably eat as much as you can and don’t care about getting fat. I envy you.
5. I’m taken care of for life and there’s not anything I could do to ruin that. I guess that would seem comforting (if you’re me) but something about it also makes me sad. Maybe because I’m just moody today or something. I get like that sometimes.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
Haley Debaron has a trust fund. It makes her rich. Probably richer than you and we don’t even know you. There’s nothing more to say really, than that. You can contact Haley at email@example.com.
In what can only be described as an earth-shattering development in both the history of the English language and U.S. politics, the Intergalactic Business Report has switched the letters “R” and “L” so that the “election” is now an “erection.” What does this mean for you? We tell you below:
1. Final erection results are not in. Pennsylvania's erection is massively huge this year.
2. Presidential erections come every four years.
3. Senators face erections every six years and representatives face erections every two years.
4. The closer politicians get to an erection, the more nervous they are.
5. Strangely, if there were no erections we would probably be in a dictatorship.
6. This could be the biggest erection of our lifetime but it seems like they say that for every erection.
7. Because the entire process of voting in the United States is now a giant, hard dick, people have to reconsider what role they want in the erection process.
The Intergalactic Business Report started with a simple question: What is the scariest horror movie ever made that you’ve never heard of? Using science, we reached into data, film history, and science to find the solution. We answer the most common questions about the scariest movie ever (that you’ve never heard of).
How scary is the movie?
It’s scary. It is perhaps, no, definitely, the scariest movie ever. It is. It really is. It makes other scary movies look almost unscary. Maybe the best analogy would be if you ate a stick and thought it tasted pretty good and then someone handed you a piece of cheesecake and you were like, “Why did I eat that stick? It’s not even food.”
Are you sure I’ve never heard of it?
No one you know has ever seen it. You for sure haven’t. People who know people you know have never seen it either.
What’s the plot?
The plot is something you also don’t know and can’t guess. It’s not like one of those movies where you watch it and say, “Oh, yeah, that’s just like in that other movie I saw…” That won’t happen. If you ever see it. (See below).
How can I see this movie?
You probably won’t ever see it. It’s super hard to watch a movie you’ve never heard of and that no one you know has ever heard of. How would you find out about it?
How can I find the movie?
You can’t. Where would you even start looking?
How scary is it again?
Super. So scary. You wouldn’t even believe it.
Can I get it on DVD or VHS or Blu-Ray?
Who’s in the movie? What actors?
It’s impossible to say because you haven’t seen it. If you did see it, you might recognize an actor and say, “Oh, I know him. He’s from…” But you won’t because you can’t see the movie.
What’s the title of the movie?
This is what makes it so hard to find anywhere (at least one of the reasons). You don’t even know what it’s called.
Why am I reading this?
Because you believe in science and enjoy reading scientific explanations of things. Which this is.
Are the people writing this mentally ill or something?
Is drunk mentally ill?
Is this supposed to be funny or something?
Is science funny?
Did you even try to think of something to write about that wasn’t so fucking stupid?
If you like to geek out about cinema, you probably already know the story behind Apocalypse Now 2, and why it was never made. But new information garnered by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that the crazy story is even crazier than you thought.
Below we list seven insane facts about why a sequel will probably never get made.
1. THERE IS NO KNOWN SCRIPT FOR A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE.
This is maybe the biggest thing holding back production, according to experts. Without a script, it’s very difficult to make a film, because the script tells you what to do. If you don’t have it, then you are kind of stuck with a camera and some guys running around. That just doesn’t cut it.
2. NOBODY HAS A GOOD IDEA FOR WHAT A SEQUEL WOULD BE.
Everyone we talked to says they don’t even know what a second movie would be about. Some insiders even told us we were stupid for asking because, “Who let you into this building? Please leave or I’ll call security.”
3. A LOT OF THE ORIGINAL ACTORS ARE OLD OR DEAD.
The level of challenge in making a movie with dead actors is rated from “very challenging to impossible,” and old actors are slow and weak, according to life. It’s very possible that movie makers decided against creating a film that would feature people who weren’t there or be about grandparents in Vietnam.
4. THE COST OF MAKING A SEQUEL IS VERY EXPENSIVE.
We guess. Probably making any movie is expensive. So this would be no exception.
5. “APOCALYPSE NOW” IS A FINAL SOUNDING TITLE.
Making it seem a little stupid to make it “Apocalypse Now 2” or “Apocalypse Now Part Two.” We assume you’d have to come up with a different title, like “Apocalypse Now: The Next Day” or “Apocalater,” or something like that.
6. THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHER MOVIES.
It seems like there are so many movies already that it’s hard to squeeze in a sequel like this right now. Think about all the movies you’ve ever seen. Then add like a thousand to that number and that’s probably how many there are.
7. WE’RE DONE WRITING NOW. GOODBYE.
At this point, this article has run its course and doesn’t have a lot to add to itself.
In an act of supreme bravery and moral conscience, columnist Cedric Bigglestone types and entire letter to our readers—without correcting his spell check.
I’m not ashamed of my spell check and that’s why I wrote this column completely uncut penises. I realize that a lot of underage models become embarrassed when they titty something into their cum on my face, but I’m no limits bondage near me.
That’s why I tight butthole this note to all of you outer Mongolian pussy farm. I’m not editing it. And I hope that maybe it helps some chicks with dicks somewhere who might feel like naked wrestlers come to your home.
That’s anal for now. I know this column was shit pictures, but I was trying to make a pussy bigger than my face.
Best bitches who beat your ass,
Cedric Big titties
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The movie leaving Netflix this month that you need to watch before it leaves and it’s gone (after this month) in a few days (this week) so watch it now.
Oh. My. God. There’s a movie on Netflix that’s ending soon. And. You. Didn’t. See. It. Don’t worry though. The Intergalactic Business Report will tell you about it so you can tune in immediately and not miss out on something that could change the way your brain works while you shift your butt cheeks on your couch.
But instead of just telling you what this movie is, we want to explain why it’s so great.
Why it’s so great.
This film is so great because it’s the kind of movie where you watch it and it brings you feelings about it and then you’re like, “Wow, I’m glad I watched that before Netflix took it away from me.”
Why you NEED to watch it NOW.
You need to watch it right now because Netflix is going to pull it off their service in a matter of days. Even though watching this movie is one of the greatest things you could do in your fucking life, Netflix is going to take it the fuck away from you.
Why would Netflix fucking do that?
Why indeed? Why the fuck would Netflix want you to suffer when it clearly has the most awesome movie ever just sitting there for you to see? Is it because Netflix is evil or something? Are they trying to punish us?
So, Netflix is punishing us?
Yes. They decided that if they offered a movie this great and your dumb ass didn’t watch it, then they were going to take it away, probably forever, just to make you feel like shit for not spending your time watching it.
What happens if you don’t watch it?
Then Netflix wins? And you suck? Those should have been statements and not questions.
Why are you sitting there when you could watch this movie?
Because we didn’t tell you what it is? Read below.
You don’t get to know what it is because…
Because you should be more responsible for your Netflix queue. Why the fuck don’t you already know what movie it is? You should. You totally should. Because it’s the best fucking movie ever. And it’s leaving. Soon. Like in a couple days. Figure it out. Jesus.
An otherwise normal day turned to terror for several IBR readers who took the time to read an article we put on the internet. Ed Mountaineer’s essay about Ryan Reynolds inspired several Facebook intellectuals to consider what they had subjected themselves to and then to take the time to post comments expressing their rage about having read something so shitty and weird and garbagy.
Below are some of their horrified reactions:
“That was a shit read…”
“What a fucking empty garbage article…”
“Ed Mountaineer is now on the list of authors I will never read again.”
“So dumb. Not funny.”
As the shock of reading an online article by something called the Intergalactic Business Report which features a cartoon drawing of Ryan Reynolds set in, some readers tried to make sense of the catastrophe they were experiencing.
“I think it’s satire… Weird…” was one theory.
“Who the fuck is Ed Mountaineer?” someone else questioned.
Soon, a more compelling explanation arose—that Ed Mountaineer’s article was not, in fact, just a fucking empty garbage article, but a last gasp, strategic effort to find purpose and meaning in his life through an overtly sexual acrobatic act involving Reynolds’ testicles. This theory stated, eloquently, that Ed’s writing was: “A desperate attempt at trying to be relevant swinging from Ryan’s* balls…”
Finally, a bond among the exasperated men of letters began to form as one of them wrote: “I’m glad not to be the only one that thought this…”
Our editors are thankful he was not alone in thinking this because he may have gone mad believing he was the only one anywhere who thought Ed’s writing sucks. If Ed’s work went on to win major literary prizes, this man would have to wonder if anyone else in the universe could see what he does—that an internet article about a guy who hates Ryan Reynolds mainly because Ryan Reynolds won’t give him access to his location so he can stalk him, is just a pretty bad stupid garbage weird idea without a lot of intellectual or artistic merit.
We can only hope there is some closure for the brave souls who have the courage to post their thoughtful critiques and defend the honor of celebrities who are wronged or misrepresented by dumb shit garbage on the internet.
*You only call Ryan Reynolds “Ryan” if you are a personal friend, which this reader obviously is, making his anger even deeper at Ed’s flagrant attempt to attach himself to Reynolds’ celebrity nuts.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.