Smurfus McRathbone returns to write an “Inside IBR” column.

People have asked me, “How are you writing for the Intergalactic Business Report” even though you don’t work there and have cut all ties with the editors who you’ve so clearly called out as being totally corrupt assholes.” The answer? I just post stuff and nobody notices, because everyone at the Intergalactic Business Report is so totally unaware of anything going on anywhere that they don’t stop me.
 
Sometimes I wonder if anyone is even sober enough at their offices to take the time to look at their Web site and see what’s on it. They actually hired Ed Mountaineer, who I’m pretty sure is a registered psychopath on some kind of work release program. If you ever meet this guy, seriously… run. And he’ll chase you. So run fast.
 
Anyway, if you’ve seen any of my past columns, you know that everything started out when my father paid IBR to let me write for them. Everything went bad very quickly, and eventually, I left. Today, I suffer from PTSD from my time working at IBR, and my psychologist has encouraged me to face my past by writing about it. That’s what I’m doing here.
 
Instead of letting the editors at the Intergalactic Business Report get away with their bullshit and deception, I vow to stop them by informing their readers about their unethical business practices and almost demonic presence on our planet. Maybe that’s going a little far because demons would have some level of intelligence and a plan for what they want to accomplish. The leadership at IBR has only one focus and that’s to pretty much get drunk and spend other people’s money.
 
So let me start this new column with a quick update on what I’ve found out about IBR:

First, they started a new charity that basically promises to give penis enhancement surgery to men who want giant dicks. Of course they did this, and they’ll probably be the first recipients of any money that comes through. Suffice it to say DO NOT give money to “Give me Five,” (as in “five inches”) as it is a total scam and just an all around horrible idea for a charitable organization.
 
As a general note, please don’t take any of their business advice. It not only sucks, but it will get you fired.
 
Don’t take any of their relationship advice…Or give credence to any of their so-called “scientific studies.” And definitely don’t read anything by Cedric Bigglestone. This is the guy who said his scrotum wrote a column for him and that he discovered an alternative universe in his pants. It’s scary and it’s wrong. And finally, don’t fall for their cynical attempt to replace “deez nutz” with “Mah Ballzzz.”
 
Next time, I’ll tell you the story I heard from an inside source about IBR’s brand new employee orientation day. Stay tuned.
 
Smurfus McRathbone
Former contributor, the Intergalactic Business Report.