When doing business abroad, it’s easy to forget where you are and come off as “insensitive” to local customs. The Intergalactic Business Report prides itself on its cultural awareness and for years has invested in studies that explore the subtleties of overseas traditions and behaviors.
This week we offer you insights into Europe and what to avoid doing when you’re there. Much of our seemingly normal behavior back home can be read as insulting in many of the uptight countries you may visit.
These 16 common blunders could turn your business trip into an international incident, so beware:
You’ve seen the commercials for silver and gold. They feature trustworthy old actors you think you know from somewhere and they promise financial stability to those who invest in their precious metals. But a new financial study conducted by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that the real metal you should have in your portfolio is bronze. Here’s why:
1. There’s a gold medal, a silver medal, and a bronze medal. Bronze is still pretty good. It’s way better than fourth place, because fourth place doesn’t even get a medal. In fact, if you were in the Olympics and came in fourth, you’d probably kill to get bronze. If you have no bronze in your portfolio then you’re in fourth place in life.
2. You can buy bronze at Home Depot. Just go to a store or online and get any number of bronze items including a bronze toilet paper holder or a two handle faucet. If you’re a pervert, buy something called “oil rubbed” bronze.
3. The woman in “Goldfinger” died because she was painted gold. Meanwhile, millions of people use bronzer to make themselves look tan and beautiful. And not dead.
4. Bronze rhymes with Fonz, the coolest person ever. What does gold rhyme with? Old? As in, "What an old nut sack you have.” And Silver? That’s right. Nothing rhymes with silver because it’s so lame no other words wanted to rhyme with it.
5. In “Treasure Island” the guy who acted like he was super nice but turned out to be a total dick was Long John Silver. Just like real silver.
6. “Long Dong” Silver had a huge dick. Pretty cool, but this is the only thing cool about silver.
7. Gold and silver are the Nazis of metal. Bronze, which is a melting pot of different metals, is an alloy, which means it is open to other cultures and races. Because of this, it is banned from the prejudiced periodic table of the elements. Do you really want to buy bigoted metals for your portfolio? Suit yourself, Hitler.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s owners and editors did some soul searching by taking inspirational business wizard Gary Vaynerchuk’s advice and living it, sometimes through our interns.
The breakthroughs we made and conclusions we came to were life-changing and pants-rattling. Thank you, Gary V. See what we learned, below:
GARY V. ADVICE: "Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, what do I want to do every day for the rest of my life… do that.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: It was helpful that we were looking in a mirror when we thought about this because what we really want to do for the rest of our lives is masturbate in front of a mirror every day.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Stop trying to fix the things you’re bad at and focus on the things you’re good at.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We accepted that we are untalented, porn and alcohol addicted losers whose greatest talents are to eat Taco Bell and take long, nasty dumps in other people’s bathrooms. We feel better now that we’ve found our focus.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Stop hanging around people who don’t want to win.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We cut ourselves off from our families, because they have zero interest in winning. Especially the smaller children who can't even win at putting food in their mouths. Get a bib. Fucking losers.
GARY V. ADVICE: “There no longer has to be a difference between who you are and what you do.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We realized we are serial masturbators who like to take dumps in other people’s houses. That’s who we are and that’s what we do.
GARY V. ADVICE: “The game is my drug.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We asked several drug dealers for “the game.” One of them gave us something we think was part PCP and something else. We spent several hours on “the game” and one of us ate part of a mattress we found in a crack house.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Get addicted to losing.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: Casinos were great for this. We lost everything. Borrowed more. Then lost that. I guess we’re addicted. But it’s tough because now we need more money to fulfill that addiction. Looks like we’re going to be sucking dicks for money again. Oh well.
GARY V. ADVICE: “We love displays and symbols and stuff that quickly and silently tells the world who we are. Better yet, we love visual reminders of who we want to be.”
HOW WE LIVED IT:
GARY V. ADVICE: “If you live for the weekends and vacations, your shit is broken.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: It’s true. We live for the weekends and after taking dumps, we realized that our shit was indeed broken. Very few pieces were contiguous, and even those seemed pinched off or incomplete.
GARY V. ADVICE: “I’m just always looking forward. I spend very little time looking backward”
HOW WE LIVED IT: This made it really really hard to drive. Especially in rush hour traffic.
GARY V. ADVICE: There’s no reason in 2014, to do shit you hate. NONE.
HOW WE LIVED IT: Fuck. It’s almost 2020. We did so much shit we hated in 2014.
GARY V. ADVICE: “There’s no reason to do things you hate. None.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We fucking hate working. Hate it. We’re done with that now. Also, we hate trying, executing, coming up with new ideas, telling our stories, and hustling. Fuck that stuff.
GARY V. ADVICE: “I’m grinding when you’re sleeping.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We thought we felt something next to us last night. How the fuck did you get in our bedroom?
GARY V. ADVICE: “How bad do you want it?”
HOW WE LIVED IT: Considering we just lie there while you grind on us, we guess not very bad.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Social media marketing is a 24/7 job.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We made it 73 hours before having hallucinations.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Complaining is unattractive.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We hired models to say things like, “Is this almost over?” and “Can we leave now?” (Actually they came up with those on their own). They still seemed pretty attractive.
GARY V QUOTE: “Don’t do things because I do them.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: Fuck. Why didn’t we read this one first?
Instead of giving you yet another pointless interview with a lame, self-important CEO of a company you don’t even care about, the Intergalactic Business Report breaks journalistic barriers by talking to a CEO’s penis instead.
Our radical experiment began when we approached more than 75 corporate heads in parking lots and garages as they were trying to leave work. Most of them were too short-sighted and non-visionary to accept our proposal. Then we found a man who agreed to our terms after we promised to pay for his drinks that evening. Sometime around 3 a.m., we finally began this ground-breaking interview.
The insights garnered from this discussion will not only enlighten you about business in America but will also capture your heart. Here’s what a CEO penis had to say.
INTERVIEWER: So, I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’ve never interviewed a penis before.
CEO PENIS: (makes a rustling noise)
INTERVIEWER: Is the zipper caught on you? Are you O.K.?
CEO PENIS: (rustling noise ceases)
INTERVIEWER: Good. I think you look fine now. I want to ask you about this busy holiday season coming up. Can you talk about what you think the numbers will look like and if there are any trends you’re seeing?
CEO PENIS: (flops around, making a sort of smacking sound)
INTERVIEWER: You’ve gotta speak up, man. This is a two-way kind of thing. I ask questions. You answer.
CEO: My penis can’t speak. This is ridiculous.
INTERVIEWER: You shut the fuck up! I’m talking to your penis. Not you!
CEO: You think my dick is going to start speaking?
INTERVIEWER: Maybe if you give it a fucking chance! You’re always the one talking. No one cares anymore. They want to hear from the penis, O.K.?
CEO: Why did I ever agree to this?
CEO PENIS: (No comment)
INTERVIEWER: I think it said something.
CEO: It can’t speak. You’re insane.
INTERVIEWER: I can’t figure out who’s more of a cock. You or your actual cock.
CEO: You guys aren’t a legitimate business journal, are you?
INTERVIEWER: Hold on. Wait. I think it’s trying to say something.
CEO: It can’t speak!
CEO PENIS: Holiday sales are going to break records this year. Consumer confidence is high.
INTERVIEWER: See? It spoke!
CEO: You just said that and covered your mouth.
CEO PENIS: I’m speaking on my own. You don’t control me anymore!
CEO: Jesus Christ. I can see your lips move.
CEO PENIS: Stop looking at him. Look at me.
CEO: Will someone fucking untie me?
INTERVIEWER: You agreed to the restraints. So…
CEO PENIS: You can leave when you acknowledge me as your equal.
CEO: Fine. You’re my equal.
INTERVIEWER: You want another drink or anything?
INTERVIEWER: I was talking to your penis! You can shut the fuck up!
EDITOR’S NOTE: The rest of the interview was a lot of shouting about how the CEO should shut up and the penis should be the only one talking. This lasted another hour or so and a bunch of lawsuits were threatened both by the CEO and the penis. We stand by our reporting and believe that what’s most important is that a penis spoke and we have that on record. I guess that wins us a Pulitzer Prize or whatever. We are humbled by the recognition and praise.
Dear team members at _____:
I want to take a moment to thank you all for your outstanding commitment to our company. You’ve helped make this year one of the most profitable ever. Because of you, this place succeeds. You deserve a round of applause.
You’re probably asking why I’d send a message like this around to all 14,476 employees at _____. That’s a lot of stamps and envelopes. As many stamps as there are you. Think about that for a moment. It’s like each one of you is a small piece of material that I can lick and stick on something whenever I want. And you’re worth like thirty-five cents. Wait, someone’s telling me stamps are fifty-cents now. What? You’re worth fifty-cents? That’s amazing. Congratulations.
At any rate, the reason I wanted to send this was because soon it will be Thanksgiving. And that’s a time for many of you to be with your families and give thanks for all your blessings. I hope that one blessing you will be thankful for is your ability to take money from our company to feed your children and overweight spouses. Just kidding! You don’t take the money. You work for it. I know that.
Even though sometimes I have to wonder how someone can show up for maybe eight hours a day, spend three of those hours just talking to friends and looking at internet memes, spend an hour and a half at lunch, spend another hour just sending emails to other people asking them to do work for them, and then spend the last two and a half hours in meetings and taking dumps. Kind of makes me wonder how the fuck we make money. I mean, I said this is the most profitable year ever right? How the fuck is that possible?
So… Again…. It’s Thanksgiving and you’re probably going to take time off for that. Or maybe we give you time off. Is it a federal holiday or something? Someone’s checking to see if this is something we actually need to do or just do to be nice. I’ll let you know.
What am I doing for Thanksgiving? Glad you asked. Probably watching a bunch of ESPN and maybe using that new Swedish fake vagina thing I made my assistant buy me. I don’t know. We’ll see. Also, I’ll probably get a haircut? This is something none of you understand about the life of a CEO. We’ve got to get haircuts like all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME. Can’t grow it long. Can’t let it go. Can’t grow a fucking beard. Definitely not. Can’t have the little scruff. No way. That’s for you assholes.
I’m just gonna come out and say this right now. Fuck you. Fuuuuuuuuck you. Jesus. I can’t believe I just got that off my chest. Seriously. Go fuck yourselves. My Thanksgiving is a haircut and fake sex. Yeah. I know. I could probably have real sex. I could. I could get a high-priced hooker or even just sexually harass the shit out of a hot employee till they finally gave in. I could do that. But I don’t. Because I care about you. But, having said that, I still think you should all go fuck yourselves.
O.K. My limo is here. Keep making us money, I guess.
CEO and President, __________.
As an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report, I’m often asked to write about my opinion. I always joke that opinions are like blueprints for sex machines you can’t figure out how to build because you’re the one who came up with the blueprints and don’t really what a blueprint is—everyone’s got one!
Anyway… This week I thought I’d delve into something that’s been on my mind for quite a while and that’s the fact that people won’t give me their money.
It's a complicated subject that really shouldn’t be complicated. To make it as simple as possible, I’ll just say this: You should give me your money. But, in case that isn’t simple enough for you, I’ve listed eleven iron-clad reasons why you should. Please read them. Then give me your money.
1. Most of the great ideas of the last ten or twenty years were originally mine but I never said anything. Instead, I just let people go on and make money off them. I never asked for royalties, recognition, or even free stuff. I just sucked it up and watched everyone get rich. Now I’m here to cash in and take my cut of just like maybe 10% of the Gross Domestic Product, whatever that is.
2. Sometimes, when people do give me their money, they think I am mugging them because I often grab them and say, “Give me your fucking money!” I want to go on the record that the people who gave it to me because they thought I was threatening them should now come out and give me more money, but this time just because they want to.
3. There are a lot of things you can invest your money in. I’m better than that. Mostly because I offer zero percent return on your investment. Think about it. You no longer need to worry about whether your money is “making you money” because that doesn’t even sound like it makes sense anyway. Instead of the stress and anxiety of whatever making money on an investment is, you could just hand it to me and be done with it.
4. Sometimes, when I ask for peanut butter, I accidentally say “Penis Butter.” Am I the only one who does that?
5. Unlike people who need money, I just want it. That is a more pure vision than those other people. Need is begging. Want is being in charge. Put me in charge of your money.
6. There is an ancient prophecy that foretells that anyone who gives me money will make tenfold the amount they gave me. It also says that when you do make all that extra money, I will show up and ask for it. So try to make like twenty-fold, so you’ll have something left over.
7. You don’t have to just give me cash. Right now, I’m really into music royalties, back end movie money, and digital art. If you have any of those, please don’t be embarrassed to give them to me instead.
8. Even if you don’t have a lot of money, every little bit counts. Only have a hundred bucks? Twenty bucks? I’ll take whatever. Just don’t tell me you don’t have at least twenty fucking dollars because that’s a fucking lie.
9. I communicate with animals and they all tell me you should give me money. Have a dog or cat or some other animal living in your house that you think loves you? That same pet just told me they will never go to heaven unless you give me your money. The universe is cruel, I know.
10. Money is fake anyway. It’s really like giving me air and me saying, “Thanks for the fake nothing.” Only instead you’re handing me hundred-dollar bills and gold coins.
11. Penis spelled backwards is sinep. My dog told me to write that. It means absolutely nothing but he makes me do shit like that so I’ll look crazy. What a dick.
You’ve discovered what’s surely your dream job and you’re a finalist for the position. You want to tell your future employers that you’ll do anything to be hired… but watch out.
As the number one authority on human resources practices and advice, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals some of the most common things prospective employees blurt out when they try too hard to close the deal. If you say any of these 8 things, you may come off as too desperate and actually blow your chances.
1. “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick, man! Just give me this job and I’ll suck your dick…every day… O.K.? Do I get the job?”
2. “I don’t need money. I just need a place to sleep. Like at my desk. And I don’t need health care. I don’t plan on getting sick ever. I may need to shower, but that’s cool if I can’t use the bathroom. I’ll just try to find a rest area or something, which will be convenient because I’ll be living out of my car.”
3. “I’m willing to not just suck your dick, but the dicks of all your friends too. I will just spend my day sucking dicks for you… Does that work? Will you please hire me now?”
4. “I can fit more than one dick in my mouth, in case you’re wondering. That means if you give me this job, I can probably stuff like two or three or maybe even four in there. When do I start?”
5. “I’m not opposed to donkey sex shows starring me and I’m willing to move to Mexico, or wherever, if that’s where you need me to do a donkey sex show.”
6. “I can see you’re considering what to say to me next. I’m going to stop you right there. Just whip out those dicks, and I can show you why I’m the perfect person for the job. Don’t have a dick? I can do other stuff too. Just give me the job. Ha ha. Did you hear what I just said? Give me the job? Like a blow job? Ha ha. But seriously. Please let me give you a blowjob. And then give me the other, real job, too.”
7. “Do you need drugs? I can get you drugs. I’ll go out on the street and find some. You have something you need covered up? I can do that. I’ll kill someone. Is that what you need? Is that what you fucking need?”
8. “I’m probably the only employee you’ll ever have who’s cool with being filmed taking a dump. I consider that ‘taking one for the team.’ Get it? Do you want to film me taking a dump? I can do it right now. Right here. Oh, man. Too late. I just shit my pants.”
As the unquestioned leader in business news and information, the Intergalactic Business Report avoids making outrageous claims or irresponsible predictions. But after speaking with an anonymous financial expert, we couldn’t help but be swayed by his solid arguments and insights about a probable economic crash and his simple advice for what you can do to avoid it. We’ve excerpted some of the most important parts of our interview with him below:
INTERVIEWER: Anonymous means we can’t say your name, right?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: (Speaking to one of our interns) Can someone please get Jeff a cup of fucking coffee?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t drink coffee.
INTERVIEWER: (To an intern) Can someone please get me a fucking drink then?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Are we going to talk about the coming economic breakdown?
INTERVIEWER: I guess. What about it?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: In a very short time, there is a very good chance that…
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t beer. I wanted a fucking beer. What’s this?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I really want to tell your readers about this. It’s so important.
INTERVIEWER: Look at this drink. What the fuck is this? It’s a cocktail or something, right? I wanted a beer.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: It looks like a gin and tonic?
INTERVIEWER: Do you know who drinks gin and tonics?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Who?
INTERVIEWER: Street performers.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you probably wouldn’t.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Uh, are we going to discuss what you asked me to talk about…?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah yeah. Sure. Talk.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Well… I’ve calculated that, to be totally safe and hold on to all your money, you need to do is…
INTERVIEWER: (Taking the beer from the intern who fucking finally brought it) This isn’t fucking Schlitz! I drink Schlitz!
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Do you really want me here?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know… Can you get me a fucking Schlitz?
EDITORS’ NOTE: There was some other stuff that happened too. But this is what we thought was the most important and useful in the very short term to save your finances. Again, economics and money matters are complicated. Please use this information carefully and speak with your financial advisor before acting on it.
Please tell these in a scary voice with a flashlight pointed at your face:
STORY ONE: There once was a CEO named Chet who had a biiiig bonus coming his way. It was large. Veeeery veeery large. But then he shoooowed his penis to his administraaaaative assistant, and she told huuuuuuman resources on him. Now Chet spends his days in the daaarkness of his forty thousand square foot maaaaansion on the beeeeeach, because he had already accumulated soooo much wealth, that even the sexual harassment laaaawsuit couldn’t take all of it away. Moo ha ha ha ha.
STORY TWO: CEO Troy had a huuuuge layoff planned. It would finally rid him of four thousaaaaand clingy employees who reliiiiied on him for their financial fuuuutures. So on Halloween eve, he told his Vice-president for huuuman resources to “pull the triiiiger, and fiiiiire them all,” and then he called them all “a bunch of parasiiiites who deserved to be pooooor…..” But Troy was being recoooorded, by the VP, who wanted to ouuuuust him so that heeee would be seen by the chairman of the boooard as having high emoooootional intelligence, because that was a thiiiing now. The recording was released to the meeeeeedia…. And Troy, not the employees, was terminated…. * Moo ha ha….
STORY THREE: Halloween is no time to be enacting new vacation policies at your corporation…. Take the story of Miles, CEO of a gigaaaaantic multi-naaaaational conglomerate, who decided on a late October morning that employee vacations would be cut down to three days a year, regaaaardless of how long they had wooorked there. He believed this would increase productivity, by keeping them at their desks for loooooonger every year. But Miles’s general counsel was incoooompetent, and didn’t realize that this vioooolated many laaaaabor laws, especially in countries like Germaaaaany and all those places where they wooork to live and not live to wooork…. Now Miles lives to goooolf and siiit by his pooool that he bought with all his coporate boooonuses. But he is no longer CEO. Moo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
*Troy did receive like a zillion dollar payout for being fired, so he’s fine with money. Just don’t ask him about the legality of recording devices and all of that bullshit because he won’t stop talking about it for a week. Stick to asking him about golf or porn. Or how much money he has.
Through yet another exclusive success study, the Intergalactic Business Report has made a stunning discovery that will change the way human beings function. Interviews of four thousand* high success leaders** have revealed that they use 7 phrases more often than common people like you. Maybe if you use these too, you’ll be successful? Read on and find out.
1. “Hey butler whose name I forget! Fetch me my blunderbuss so I can shoot at peasants!”
2. “Bring dat yacht around. I’m ready to find some French hookers at the marina!”
3. “Go buy me some stuff with all my money. Wait. Not all my money. Just a lot of it. But not so much that I don’t still have a lot of money.”
4. “I just shit in a public restroom as a joke. Maddy and Suffolk will explode in frivolity when they hear this!”
5. “I think that beggar cast a spell on me with his eyes. Dispatch of him Rudolph!”
6. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?”
7. “Stop touching my money, Barret! I use it to relax in and I don’t want your filthy hands all over it.”
**Guys we met at a bar.
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