 This is now cool to do on LinkedIn. It had to happen eventually. LinkedIn, the social media equivalent of having brunch with your boss, is becoming the place where you tell your boss off color jokes and get way too personal over Mimosas.
What was once a forum for simply announcing to the professional world that you didn’t “like to post about yourself but” you won an award no one’s ever heard of and that you were “more than thrilled to announce” you accepted a new job nobody cares about, is now edging toward you trying to gain a following through your totally original political views, funny as hell videos, and posts about your self-published book on leadership. LinkedIn looks more and more like Instagram if they had a “safe” version for teens (whoops, they have that already) and people like you wonder whether they should just start posting photos of their families and thirst memes or if they should stay with trying to act like a serious businessperson, as if that’s actually a thing. As we always do, the Intergalactic Business Report helps you navigate this new world of “cool” LinkedIn by listing what you should or shouldn’t do when posting. 8 tips for being cool on LinkedIn. -Go ahead and post a picture of you with your shirt off in front of a mirror and say you’re “more than thrilled to announce I’ve increased my delt size by 1/16th of an inch.” -Tease showing your tits but don’t reveal nipples. -Limit references to Hitler as a CEO. -No “beef” videos where you call out a former boss for being a little bitch. -When you announce a promotion, don’t post slo-mo videos of you pouring money on strippers. -Tattoo reveals are now fine. -Do an “on the street” interview where you walk around your office asking people who they think their hottest co-worker is. -Great idea: post a video of your boss giving a speech while you “react” to it on a different screen. If you’re not sure how to do this, just look confused sometimes, then nod, then sometimes point at the screen with your boss on it. Then shake your head no. It doesn’t need to make sense.  Age discrimination is illegal, we think. Still, you shouldn’t act old around your office because people will secretly make fun of you and think you’re out of touch. If you do any of these sixteen things, you need to stop now and start acting younger.
These behaviors are aging you by decades at work: 1. You spell words. 2. You’ve spent time being bored in your life and don’t need therapy for the PTSD that caused. 3. You have conversations without also checking your Instagram and giggling about it and when someone asks what’s so funny you just say, “Oh, it’s not you.” 4. You have sex without being get choked out while someone puts something in your butt and it’s getting filmed and all the lights are on and you met the person twenty minutes ago on Tinder. 5. You eat food without taking a picture of it. 6. Someone can flirt with you without you filing a lawsuit against them. 7. You don’t eat ass or bleach your asshole because those are assholes. 8. You talk about memories you have without showing people a picture you took of it on your phone. 9. You don’t “identify” as anything because you’re you. 10. You don’t need to tell people your pronouns, because unless they’re writing a novel where you’re the protagonist, there’s probably no reason to put you in third person. 11. You ask co-workers to feed you soup because your arms are so old you can’t lift them anymore. Your mouth can’t chew either. 12. You ask people to communicate with you through telegraphemes. 13. “Sexting” for you is drawing a picture of a dick on the wall of a bathroom stall with your phone number next to it and your phone is a landline attached to an answering machine that says, “When you hear the beep, you know what to do.” 14. You do the “Charleston” when you get excited. 15. You refer to movies as “motion pictures.” 16. You understand Roman numerals.  If you’re a public figure, nothing is more frustrating than being misquoted by the press. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding, but other times it’s the result of a purposeful “hit” by a zealous reporter who wants to tarnish your image. Worse is that when newspapers and magazines get it wrong and finally take responsibility for their mistakes, we see this admission buried in their publications under euphemistic or arcane headings like “corrections” or “errata.”
To counter this, the Intergalactic Business Report will now publish occasional but fully revealing corrections of all the errors we have made or can think of. And we will put it up front, on a page seen by tens of people, so everyone can see it. Below we list those mistakes and plead for your forgiveness.
 One of the advantages of a LinkedIn account is receiving constant updates on how to behave like you’re someone else who’s also better than you. Lately, infographics and commentary have focused on the idea of emailing “like a CEO,” and how regular, unpowerful people can pretend they’re powerful by “emailing” for the job they want and not the lowly one they have.
The Intergalactic Business Report enters the discussion with its own tips for phrasing emails to show that you mean business. Below, we take the common wording underlings like you use and show you how big men (and big ladies) with big penises do it. You’re welcome. ❌ "I need your help with this." ❌ "I'll have this to you by 3pm." ❌ "Can you confirm by Friday?" ❌ "Thank you for your patience." ❌ "I need your expertise on this." ❌ "Have you had time to review?" ❌ "What questions do you have?" ❌ "This needs attention by [date]." ❌ "I've identified a problem with..." ❌ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about..." ❌ "Based on the data, I recommend..." ❌ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline." ✅ “You’re hard. I’m hard. Let’s make this work for both of us.” ✅ "At 3 p.m. my pants will be at my ankles. And you’ll have my report.” ✅ "Can you confirm by Friday that my dick is the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” ✅ "Thank you for your patience. I’m hard now." ✅ "I’m so hard right now. I need your expertise on this. Can you come by my place after work?." ✅ "Have you had time to review the picture of my butthole?" ✅ "What questions do you have about the width/size/capacity of my butthole?" ✅ "This dick needs attention by [date]." ✅ "I've identified a problem with my penis..." ✅ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about my penis size..." ✅ "Based on the data, I recommend you have sex with me..." ✅ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline to pound me from behind."  In an age when freedom of speech and expression are under fire, isn’t it time you stood up and stood out with a tee-shirt nobody else is willing to buy because if he did, he’d get ridiculed and lose his job? Go to the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report and choose your favorite. Go to www.ibrmerch.com and become a new person who risks reputation and civility for the bounties of self-expression. Before you do, answer these simple questions: Question #1: are you strong enough to wear a tee shirt that admits you love huge asses, like this:  Another question: do you have the balls to walk into a work retreat wearing this:  Final question: can you dig deep enough to drive through Arkansas with an expired plate wearing this?  We said the last one was final, but this is really it: are you man/woman/whatever enough to go to a basketball arena with this on your body?  If you answered "yes" to any of these questions hit the button below:
 AI offers the stupendous possibility that dumb people will finally be able to use a robot/computer to even their odds with smart people. It also offers the stupendous possibility that lazy people will finally be able to even their odds with hard working people. We put this to the test as our own Cedric Bigglestone took one crumpled hundred-dollar bill and gave it to ChatGPT to turn into a fortune. What could be easier and lazier? We expected untold wealth but instead learned some terrible secrets about what working with artificial intelligence really entails. Cedric’s report, below:
What I learned when I gave ChatGPT 100 dollars to make me rich.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected].  Work friends can be true friends. After all, we spend more time with them than with our own families. They know us well and we know them. But after a few post-work drinks, things can get personal—maybe too much so. How do you draw the line between what is colleague appropriate and what’s not? It’s simple. Just avoid saying the eight things below:
1. “I have a crush on you.” “Officemances” can happen when you work together and reach an intense level of mutual respect. Sometimes, a “crush” can turn into a real relationship. Still, we recommend you keep your personal and business lives separate. 2. “You know, there was a time when I’d probably suck all your dicks. Even yours, Marsha.” When you reveal this kind of thing to co-workers, it can alienate them. Especially Marsha. 3. “I’m embezzling money from the company. There. I said it. Now you’re all accomplices.” Legally, you haven’t actually implicated your colleagues in your scheme to steal money from your company. But if any of them tell on you then they are officially snitches and cannot be protected. 4. “Under this table is my penis, free and hanging out, like a rope in the wind.” There. You said it. 5. “Can one of you spot me while I try auto erotic asphyxiation in the bathroom?” While it’s important to have a spotter, you can easily do this on your own, with the help of a mannequin and a coat hanger. 6. “I killed someone. And I will kill any of you motherfuckers if you tell on me.” Good job that you’ve threatened potential snitches (see above) but by revealing your crime you’ve essentially created a “snitch farm” in which snitches grow and you must stomp them out before they tell on you. Even if you’ve known them forever, like Gary, can you really be sure they won’t snitch? Can you afford to find out? 7. “I killed our boss.” Why admit to this when it would have been much easier to pin it on Gary (who may be a snitch anyway)? 8. “I’m pretty sure I’m Jesus.” This is one of those moments when you have to decide between putting yourself out there and building a crew of apostles or just shutting your mouth. Choose the latter. You’re god, or the son of god or whatever because you don’t really understand the bible, and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  When the passive aggressive practice of “quiet quitting” hit the workplace a few years ago, Boomers and Gen X-ers were, once again, bemused by yet another childish trend from their juniors. Then came “quiet cracking” in which the hopelessness of having steady employment and receiving a paycheck became a mentally draining event requiring twenty-somethings to seek psychiatric treatment.
A new trend, however, may finally drive managers and owners into early retirement. “Quiet queefing” and “quiet farting” are what many Gen Y and Z employees now do to express dissatisfaction with work hours, benefits, and salaries. What is quiet farting and queefing? Previously known as “silent but deadly” or “who cut the cheese?” and “is that coming from your hoo hoo?” silent farting and queefing involve subtle noises and discharge of fecal vapors intended to protest work conditions. What is most insidious about this office trend is that it is nearly impossible to identify the perpetrator, especially when he or she peers around, surprised, and shares your look of revulsion at the foul odor or noise. We asked Gary Brudbaker of Rheintech Corporation in Cedar Rapids, Iowa about the experience he has had with the younger generation farting and queefing at work. Gary reminded us that he wished to remain anonymous owing to the embarrassing nature of the subject, and we agreed his name would not appear anywhere in our article. Gary went on to explain that during staff meetings in a cramped conference room, there is regular quiet farting, especially if the meeting runs long or gets close to the lunch hour. “It’s just like this sudden dark cloud has taken over the room and no one can be in there much longer or it might become a health issue,” he says. “Sometimes there’s a noise, like a tiny squeak that’s clearly coming from someone’s butt. I scan the room to see if anyone’s laughing or looks embarrassed, but everyone has a poker face.” Gary explains that in one-on-one meetings, quiet farting almost never occurs, although once, a particularly plucky young woman clearly ripped a fart and looked at him as if HE did it. “For a second I started to question if my butt had involuntarily let out a French horn level fart, but I came to my senses and realized my rectal control is way better than that.” Still, the employee held firm and even doubled down by asking him if he needed to “use the bathroom or something?” “That got me,” Gary explains. “When someone asks that it takes you back to all kinds of childhood fears about shitting your pants or coming close to it if you fart too hard. But I held my ground and said no, because I think YOU are the one who farted.” In an almost checkmate response, the employee suggested that “whoever smelt it, dealt it,” to which Gary was paralyzed. “I walked right into it,” he admits. While quiet queefing does not necessarily emit a smell, its unnerving sound can disrupt boardrooms and breakrooms equally. Another anonymous source, Marisol Adams of Brooklyn New York, who was recently terminated as an independent contractor, fancies herself a “Queef Queen,” a Gen-Z term that refers to one’s ability to make a loud noise with one's vagina. During office events, Marisol would regularly “queef one” to disorient and confuse her co-workers. “If I forgot to do something, or I thought I may be asked to explain an assignment I was supposed to prepare but I didn’t, I would just bust a queef and everyone would be like, what?” Unfortunately for Marisol, the sound coming from her cooter area was so pronounced and loud and time consuming that the location was obvious, leading to her eventual dismissal. Witnesses describe the event as being an “exorcist like ordeal in which a deafening queef vibrated the table for minutes.” A current lawsuit brought upon the company by Marisol claims she has a medical condition that requires a frequent “release” whose sound is a side effect. Whether new office policies will address quiet queefing and farting remains to be seen but human resources managers with whom we spoke saw some hope in dealing with the issue. “Just let ‘em do it,” Marsha Hamilton of Sentury Fittings of Ottawatop, Idaho suggested. “This is off the record, but I say, let it rip. I actually like the smell. Don’t print that.”  The Intergalactic Business Report’s version of the Pulitzer Prize goes to New York Post reporter Asia Grace, whose work is described by our selection committee as “the kind of journalism that answers the questions most people are afraid to ask, or would never think of asking, or wouldn’t ask because why would you, or YOU would ask, but that’s just you.”
The committee points to Ms. Grace’s work on TSA airport security as one of the central reasons for her winning the award. Her articles on big butts and swamp crotch setting off airport security alarms are cherished by IBR editors as “breakthrough coverage of events that affect Americans with huge asses and poor taint hygiene daily.” Grace’s work on other issues such as parents who use ChatGPT to raise their children and moms who sell their breast milk to support their lavish lifestyles certainly raised her status in the final decision, according to Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor. “Everything Asia Grace does is something we look up to at IBR. Her work is connected to us in a very real way. It’s as if she is writing articles that would appear in our magazine. She is probably the greatest swamp crotch/big booty/breast milk reporter we have ever had the pleasure to read.” While the Intergalactic Business Report’s Excellence in Journalism award comes with no cash prize or even physical trophy, it is stated clearly in the award’s rules that the recipient will be “regaled with praise and honor only bestowed upon her/him in this situation, time, and, place,” and that the winner will also get “the moral and pyrrhic victory associated with receiving recognition from a publication whose readers are certified as mentally disabled.” Congratulations, Asia.  This is what blasphemy looks like. Editor’s note:
When our meme mocking the Valley’s Jax Taylor was seen by some readers as mocking God, the Intergalactic Business Report went into immediate damage control. We are disappointed by this reaction on many levels, but most piercing is that our satire has been exposed as so weak and derivative that we are doing that thing where we make fun of God and Christianity. We feel it important to let our readers know that the controversial meme was never intended to disparage their deity but rather to disparage Jax Taylor. We apologize to both deities and address some of the comments regarding them below: One reader cautioned: “Sick! God is not mocked!!” We appreciate that only two exclamation points were used. Another told us: “Praying for repentance because one day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.” We thank this reader, but the thing about tongues confessing sounds kind of porno. Which is cool, if that’s where you were going with that. We were also edified that “Jesus wasn’t a Caucasian…” Neither is Jax Taylor. If you haven’t seen the meme, don’t worry, you’re not alone, because our readership is like ten people, and nine of them click on us because they think we’re porn (see the thing above about tongues and confessions). Our meme depicted Jesus yelling at a disciple: “Dude, stop acting like you’re the fucking number one guy in this group, man. I’m the number one guy in this group.” In our defense, Jesus was/is/will always be the number one guy in that group. Paul or John or whoever might try to ACT like they’re the number one guy, but they’re not. I think we all agree on that. Also, in the actual group that inspired the Jesus scene, the three guys were Jax, Tom Schwartz, and Tom Sandoval. Our editors stand by the fact that Jax kind of is the number one guy in that group so his and Jesus’s assessments are valid and true. Finally, until Jax Taylor goes to heaven and meets Jesus, it is safe to say that the title of “number one guy” is up for grabs, at least on Earth. Jax has every right to claim it, just as Jesus as a man did. Religious scholars may debate this, but ours have told us this is a totally o.k. thing to say. As Jesus reaches the status where you can’t have pictures of him or he’ll be mad, we will strive to censor and censure ourselves, as well as señor ourselves for our Mexican speaking friends. As stated previously, our intention is not to offend but rather to examine those things people hold dear and metaphorically anally assault those things and the people who hold them dear. If that is “offensive” we apologize again, almost as if we are Danny Darko and you are Jasmine.* *From Bravo’s “The Valley.” They are other people/characters, like Jax Taylor. You get it. |
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