Legendary Business Icon Hody Granger gives you three minutes of his time. Will you blow it?3/6/2023  I’m Hody Granger. My connections at the Intergalactic Business Report recommended you and begged me to please, please, just give you five minutes of my time. I told them I’d give you three. So, what do you have to say? The clock is ticking.
Before you even start, let me guess. You want some advice on how to be rich. Or… you want me to invest in your business. Or—and this is the one that always makes me laugh—you want to offer me sexual favors in return for money. To that last one, I just have to ask, do you really want to spend your three minutes with me negotiating a blow job? Is that a good use of your opportunity? But, as they used to say, “It’s your dime. Shoot.” Two minutes left. I would suggest that with such little time on the clock you may want to open your mouth and say something. Oh, you’re saying you want to open your mouth but not because you want to say something. Ha ha. I get it. Very funny. You’re back to the blowjob thing. Yes, you’ve appealed to my sense of humor but you’re still wasting your time. Unless we’re talking about a discount rate, and you can prove you’re not a cop. Are you a cop? Are you a fucking cop? Is that what this is all about? Are you offering sex for money and then a bunch of your friends are going to pop out and arrest me? Is that what you wanted to do? Did you think you could fool me again? One minute remaining in your plot to dethrone me. I will only answer questions about business. Not dick sucking. Not anything having to do with sex for money. O.K.? Are you going to say something? Are you? Why are you just sitting there? All right. Seventy bucks. That’s my final offer. Eighty-five if you sign this NDA. So… What do you say? The guys told me you were cool. Are you cool? Jesus. Are you a fucking cop? Time’s up. I’m out of here. I’m at the Mandarin Oriental. Under the name Rick Franchione. Stop by later. Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  Before we move on to a totally new and original new year, the editors at the Intergalactic Business Report want to give you an article full of recycled articles about all the stuff we did last year. 2022 was an astounding time for our publication as we finally began to… Well, just read the recap.
We began 2022 with a sustained invective against “Dry January,” and announced our own countermeasure called, “Wet as Fuck February.” By February, one company had signed up. That was pretty much it for the movement, but stay tuned about a month from now when we probably try to dredge it up again. We dipped into travel and cultural awareness when we shared readers’ travel stories, like taking a dump on the floor of a Spanish bus. So funny. We also went down a Reditt hole and attacked foreigners for attacking us. Not as funny. Almost a little uncomfortable when we got really really mad at them for criticizing the American education system that produced a lot of the great writers you read here. Entertainment news focused on the usual back-handed attacks on Ryan Reynolds and shit about the Bachelor. We discovered a wolfman who was threatening the cast of Southern Charm and created some new Real Housewives taglines. We also pitched new country-specific Squid Games series and horror movies based on famous stuff whose copyrights had run out. Oh, and Chris Pratt may kill you. As always, we gave you great business advice, like avoiding emails to employees in which you offer to trade sex for drugs. Business icon Hody Granger told you how to beat inflation by offering to suck dicks at gas stations and former waiter Trence Forway explained how to get rich and wear a cool hat. We reached peak public service when we announced our new program to match dudes who said they would have sex with themselves if they could, with dudes who looked like them. Also, Cedric Bigglestone took Steve Harvey’s advice and well… We taught you how to live out of your pick-up truck, and how to make your life a Hallmark movie. And don’t forget how fitness expert Jonny Ripkin showed you how to get ripped by six a.m. tomorrow. There was much more, including a Lethal Weapon guide to picking up women in grocery stores and what Craig Robinson’s nuts taste like, but we’ll let you explore our site at www.intergalacticbiz.com. Another year and I’m done writing now. Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor An Inc Magazine article sends Cedric Bigglestone on an investigative journey. By Cedric Bigglestone.11/8/2022  When a mysterious article shows up in Inc Magazine, exposé writer Cedric Bigglestone is drawn into a world of madness, treachery, and deceit. Will he, and you, ever be the same?
PART ONE: I see the article. If you know me, you know I read articles. Today is no different. I see a delightful piece on how Carebears from the 1980’s had symbols on their stomachs that represented their personalities. That’s like me, I think. I sift through my feed, mark a few things for my “reading list” and then stop dead in my tracks when I come across an Inc Magazine article titled: “Five brutal truths about leading other people no one is willing to admit.” What. The. Fuck. Inc is claiming that it’s compiled a list of things people won’t admit? How’s that possible? I must read on. PART TWO: I read the article, but something’s wrong. As I read through the article, it jumps almost straightaway to listing five “truths” about leadership. Things like “giving your employees purposeful work” and “reducing loneliness in the workplace.” My first question: If no one is willing to admit these things, then how did you get the story? I look to the word “willing.” Hmmmm, I think, a buzzing “hmmm” sound going through my head. Willing. No one would give up this information willingly. Did this motherfucker torture people for this information? PART THREE: I dive deeper into madness. If you write an article about something no one is “willing to admit” then it should end after the headline (because you have nothing) or you have to coerce the answers from “unwilling” subjects. I won't mention the author’s name for fear of ending up in a basement somewhere and being asked to tell my secret views about leadership, but I do find that one of his “tips” at the end of the article is to give employees freedom. “Love them by giving them their freedom,” he writes. He continues: “Autonomy, or the ability to control what you do, when you do it, and with whom, is one of the fundamental elements of what intrinsically motivates human beings, which leads to better performance.” He should have added, “especially when they’re chained to a chair in your basement and being asked about shit they won’t admit.” PART FOUR: I consider maybe I’m misreading this. Two CEO’s (or something like that) are interviewed in the article. Were they beaten into confessions? Is this why the truths are “brutal”? How is Inc Magazine getting away with this, I wonder. Unless…. That’s when it hits me. None of it is true. The author tells us this right from the start. He says he’s going to name five things no one will admit. He and the people he cites are admitting stuff. This means that whatever they’re saying is a lie and we should know that. And if that’s what this article is really trying to say (that everything in it is a lie because if it weren’t it wouldn’t be publishable because no one would admit it) then everything in it is really the opposite of the truth, which, of course, reveals the truth itself…. PART FIVE: I conclude the dude who wrote this is a genius. Marcel Schwantes (whose last name I say kind of like “schwiiiing” in Wayne’s World) is a genius. This is clear. He couldn’t tell us the things no one (including himself) would admit. That would be impossible. But he could give us the opposite so that someone (like me?) would discover the truth. I reread the article noting my new knowledge and understanding. PART SIX: I reread the article noting my new knowledge and understanding. Want to know the real “5 brutal truths no one is willing to admit”? I’m going to tell you now by going through the fake truths and then revealing what I believe the opposites are: FAKE TRUTH: “Putting your employees ahead of customers.” REAL TRUTH: “Not putting your customers behind employees.” MEANING: I’ll be honest here. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do the opposite of the general idea or the opposite of every part of the phrase. Because this makes no fucking sense. FAKE TRUTH: “Giving your employees purposeful work.” REAL TRUTH: “Not giving your customers non-purposeful leisure time.” MEANING: O.K. I tried it again and it works a lot better for this one. Don’t give customers free time that doesn’t have a purpose. Makes sense. FAKE TRUTH: “Reducing loneliness in the workplace.” REAL TRUTH: “Increasing human interaction at home.” MEANING: Radical, and maybe intrusive. But it’s something no one would admit. FAKE TRUTH: “Bringing more humanity to the workforce.” REAL TRUTH: “Leaving behind less animal behavior away from unemployed people.” MEANING: This could mean not having pets or something. I'm still working on it. FAKE TRUTH: “Loving your employees.” REAL TRUTH: “Hating my boss.” MEANING: Bingo. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at cedric@intergalacticbiz.com.  Blame it on COVID. Blame it on technology. Blame it on the rain. America’s economy, once based on hard work and enterprise, has turned towards figuring out what you can stick up your butt while you forget it’s a weekday and you’re supposed to be at work but who cares.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s new study on worker productivity delivers some key, never-before-seen takeaways on employee behaviors: Key findings from the IBR study on worker productivity. 1. Peter Henning has missed so much work that he has what doctors are calling “self-targeted dementia” in which someone forgets what he does for a living by simply never doing anything for a living. 2. Randy Sevenier called in sick for six weeks straight. Most people don’t remember what his face looks like. This gives him almost total anonymity outside of the office and he never has to worry about running into “somebody from work” when he’s out, just fucking around somewhere. 3. Sarah Tarkanian just sits there. Doing nothing. All day. And yet the world hasn’t ended. 4. Ellis Dewstrap used to take steamy dumps that missed most of the toilet. Now he barely shows up for work and when he does, he tends to just piss on the floor. 5. Rhoda Day was the woman who cleaned the men’s bathrooms after hours. She just cleans up pee instead of poop on the floor now. That seems like a good thing. 6. Phil Ratuliak, who claims he works 60 hours a week but is actually hiding in his office watching videos on how to suck his own dick has now learned how to suck his own dick, proving that spending sixty hours a week watching a video on how to suck your own dick can lead to actually learning how to suck your own dick, which is good, right? 7. Eustacius Briggs died in 1883. His productivity is zero. 8. Marvin DeRobbins feels his nutsack every thirty minutes and does it for maybe 30 seconds. That means in a year he probably handles his nuts for around 520 minutes. That’s like 8 ½ hours. What the fuck? 9. Trish Newhouse, who goes to lunch every day at eleven o’clock and returns just before the office closes has been kidnapped. Probably. Nope, there she is. It’s 5 o’clock. 10. Derrek Fogarty filed a worker’s comp claim because he masturbated too hard at his desk and broke his dick or something. Now he can only beat off with a special glove. His productivity level for jacking off is unheard of. His productivity level for work is also unheard of, because no one has ever heard of him doing anything but tugging his rope all day. 11. Turns out Derrek Fogarty is not even an employee. There was a whole, “I thought you hired him. I didn’t hire him” thing going on. 12. This article was due to editors in July of 2021.  Everyone is in sales. That’s what people who say “everyone is in sales” say. This revelation has led the Intergalactic Business Report to issue never-before-seen guidance on how to counter common sales objections that would usually leave you defeated and weak.
Instead of cowering to negative responses, program these scripted retorts into your brain and get a “yes” every time. CUSTOMER: I’m sorry. Do I know you? YOU: Does anyone really know anyone? CUSTOMER: Can you please get away from my car? YOU: It’s a free country. And your car is in it. CUSTOMER: I’m going to call the cops. YOU: Call me instead. I can be here in zero seconds. CUSTOMER: Are you mentally ill? YOU: In 1980’s rap terminology, yes. Also in present-day American Psychological Association terminology. CUSTOMER: Are you drunk? YOU: Only if I have my penis out. Yup. I’m drunk. CUSTOMER: If you touch me I will kick your ass. YOU: If you kick me I will touch your ass. CUSTOMER: What did you do to my car? YOU: Just drew a picture of a penis on it. It’s called customization. CUSTOMER: You smell like shit. YOU: That says more about the shit than about me. CUSTOMER: Did you just take a dump on the hood of my car? YOU: No. CUSTOMER: Put your hands behind your head and get on your knees. YOU: That would make it almost impossible for me to masturbate.  Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty chicks at Olive Garden. Read how he does it below:
WHO AM I AND WHY AM I WRITING THIS? Hey, I’m Trence Forway, and I’m just a regular guy who figured out a way to make literally millions of dollars overnight, and, believe me, if I can do it, you can too. So, if I know how to make so much money, why would I share it with you? That’s the ultimate question, and I’ll give you the ultimate answer: Because I can’t make any more money so I may as well just write a column giving away all my secrets because by doing so, there is almost a one hundred percent chance that some hot skanky women will read this and be like, “Oh, you’re the guy who drives a lambo and makes all that money?” WAIT. YOU DRIVE A LAMBO? Yes. And I also wear a hat. THAT’S SO COOL. SO, DID YOU SAY YOU CAN’T MAKE ANY MORE MONEY? HUH? I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the system I created (and which you can have for free) made me so much money, so fast, that I can’t make any more than I already do. That’s right. I have so much money that I go to the bank and they’re just like, “Sorry. We’re out.” When I ask if I can come back later, they say, “You don’t understand. You have all the money in the world.” HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD? Ask the bank, I guess. O.K. I’M SOLD. I WANT TO LEARN, FOR FREE, ABOUT YOUR SECRET TO MAKING SO MUCH MONEY. You’re not going to believe how simple it is. In fact, when I do tell you what it is, you’re going to be surprised, if not entirely blown away, by how this has been looking you in your face your whole life and you didn’t even notice it. GREAT. SO WHAT’S THE SECRET? I used to be a waiter. Seriously. I was a dude who brought food out to people and said stuff like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” That was me. But now, I drive a lambo and I have all kinds of women who want to not only talk to me, but in many cases want to have sex with me afterwards! Can you believe that turnaround? At one point, in my waiter days, hot chicks would come in and I’d be like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” And all they’d say back to me was, “Great. I want a Tito’s and soda with two limes.” I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NOT TELLING ME THE SECRET AND INSTEAD YOU’RE JUST KIND OF TALKING ABOUT HOW RICH YOU ARE AND DESCRIBING SOME AWKWARD ENCOUNTERS YOU HAD WITH WOMEN. Fair enough. But before I tell you how my system works, I want to explain it with an analogy, so that it makes sense to you. If you pull up to an Olive Garden in a Kia it makes a totally different impression to the hostess than if you drive up in a lambo, like I do. Even if she doesn’t see you drive up in it, she can feel it when you enter because you just look like you drive a lambo. Also, I have a hat, so that kind of completes the look. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY SHARE ANYTHING WITH ME, ARE YOU? It depends on whether or not you’re a hot chick who maybe is a little (or a lot) skanky. I’M NOT. SHOULD I JUST STOP READING NOW? Yes. Please do that. I AM A SKANK. AND PRETTY HOT. Are you impressed by my lambo? And my hat? THE HAT KIND OF SUCKS. BUT I’M INTO THE CAR. It’s not “a car.” It’s a fucking lambo. WHATEVER. I’LL STILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Cool. You wanna go to the Olive Garden first? SURE. I WORK THERE AS A HOSTESS, SO I’LL JUST SEE YOU WHEN MY SHIFT IS OVER AT 9. I want to eat though. I don’t want to just show up and leave. Can you get me free food? NO. BUT THERE IS A DEAL WHERE YOU GET UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND SOUP. For free? NO. YOU HAVE TO PAY. I THOUGHT YOU HAD UNLIMITED MONEY. I do. But it’s tied up in a lot of shit. I’m kind of living in the lambo right now. Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty girls at bars. There’s not much else to say. If you have questions or comments for him, send us a note at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  In what can only be described as the biggest breakthrough in dating services in the past decade, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced a new program that matches men who say they would have sex with themselves if they could with men who look like them.
How it works. Test study Randy Branigan was the first to be approached by IBR when he announced at Ruben’s Bar and Grill that he would “definitely fuck himself” if he could duplicate his body or meet his double. This gave Intergalactic Business Report editors the idea to match Randy with his dream man, by finding another five-foot-nine twenty-something bro with a baseball cap. This took seven seconds. Some bumps in the road. Believing we would be thanked for finding Randy’s perfect match, we were instead threatened when we introduced him to Brent, who also threatened us. There was a lot of initial feedback received at this point. Mostly stuff about not being “gay” followed by some more stuff about how being gay was “cool” and then some descriptions of gay friendships they had where their friend was gay but they weren’t gay together. Final thoughts. We’re pretty sure Brent and Randy ended up fucking each other after talking about gay sex for so long. So, our new program is a success. Do you want to have sex with yourself if yourself was an actual person you could meet tonight? Maybe Go Fuck Yourself is for you. We’ve been putting together people with “themselves” since yesterday and you could be next. Somebody just said something about how we can’t say to get in touch with us because that would be like advertising for prostitution or something, like he’s a fucking lawyer or something. We’re done writing now. Goodbye. Steve Harvey gives some pretty good f-ing advice. Now I’m living by it. By Cedric Bigglestone.5/2/2022  Columnist Cedric Bigglestone doesn’t just watch motivational self-help internet clips of Steve Harvey—he lives them. Read his story below.
I’m not sure if Steve Harvey has a t.v. show or if he just appears to me whenever I turn on the internet and tells me stuff no one else is supposed to hear. And I’m not sure it matters. Because of him, I’ve garnered knowledge and insights that have totally changed the way I live and look at my life. I can’t go through all the wisdom in one column, so I’m just going to start with some life-altering advice Steve gave me about a month ago when he appeared to me on my phone. In this vision, Steve talked to me about buying a first-class ticket on an airline. He said that I should buy this because once I did, and experienced the luxury of it, it would train my mind to figure out ways to get back into first class. Wow. But that wasn’t all. He added that I should also buy myself a super expensive suit to just see how it felt on me. This too, he promised, would help train my mind to want really nice things. I did what he said and my life will never be the same. Here’s how it went: PHASE ONE: I try to buy the first-class ticket. This part was easy. It didn’t matter where the flight went, because that wasn’t the fucking point, right? So I just kind of looked at a map and tried to choose a place that looked cool, fun, and like where Steve Harvey would go if he were a real person and not an apparition or whatever he is. I didn’t realize how many god damn places there were to travel. It’s more than you’d think. Why the fuck would they make so many places on a map? Fuck. PHASE TWO: This shit is hard. PHASE THREE: I just pick a city. But that’s hard too. Where the fuck do I want to fly? And Once I get there, what the fuck do I do? I guess masturbate in the bathroom till my return flight? I choose Phoenix. Done. The ticket costs around $2,500. I don’t have anywhere near that in my bank account, but I can max out a credit card and maybe see if anyone at the airport wants to see my dick for money so I can pay it off. PHASE FOUR: I buy a $6,000 suit. I really really don’t have the money for this, but Steve Harvey said do it, and I do what he commands. All my credit cards are at their limit and so far nobody will pay to see my dick, so I need to come up with another way to buy an expensive suit so I can begin training my mind for success. I am told the mafia is a good backup if you can’t get credit anywhere, and that their rates are something like you borrow money and then you pay back whatever it is times two the next week, once you win at gambling or something. Seems like a good deal, so I start asking around if anyone knows anyone in the mafia who will lend me money. Surprisingly, nobody helps me. Makes me think no wonder the mafia isn’t doing very well. They don’t even want business from sophisticated businessmen like me (see, Steve? I’m already training myself to be successful). My only option is to float a check to a stupid friend of mine who gives me the money after saying stuff like, “Are you sure you can cover this? You don’t even have a job.” But, like I said, he’s stupid, and my strategy is that when the check bounces I’m going to play it off as a prank, so it’s not illegal. You just got punked! It’ll work, right? Steve, are you there? PHASE FIVE: I wear my suit and fly to Phoenix. Not really. I don’t even make it through TSA because I ask one of them if they’d pay money to see my dick and also because I’m carrying a samurai sword and some other shit because in my vision of success, people who have the finer things in life have swords and poison darts they carry through airports on their way to first class, and the TSA guy is just like, oh, nice suit, please proceed to your flight, sir! PHASE SIX: My mind is working to get me back in first class. Just as my spirit guide Steve Harvey promised, I am totally freaking out and using my mind to get me first-class tickets and Armani suits. I’m going to see if I can get a sports car using this method next. I’m also starting to finally figure out that maybe what Steve Harvey was really saying was that if I can rid myself of all my material belongings, like money, then, in my mind, I can be super wealthy and fly first class in a tailor-made suit. Fuck. Is that what he meant? I think I just reached level two. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at cedric@intergalacticbiz.com.  As worries about inflation and the economy soar, iconic investor Hody Granger shares his insights on how you or anyone can find wealth by following four simple tips. But are you ready to accept them?
THE PROBLEM: INFLATION. Inflation is the highest it’s been in 40 years, and Americans worry this runaway train will never stop, devaluing their money and assets as it crashes the economy. HODY’S TIP: Inflation is based on currency and money, which is printed by the government. Ever since we went off the gold standard, all money, in my mind, is essentially worthless. Instead of money, you should be doing stuff that is worth more than money. Like the stuff I do, that makes me super rich without even having money at all. If you don’t do that, then you’re stupid and living for something that doesn’t even exist. But, alas, most Americans have been conditioned, since they were born, to believe that money is real and that it’s important to have. Until you’re willing to see beyond that, you will always be poor. THE PROBLEM: RISING INTEREST RATES. The fed will soon raise interest rates to combat inflation, but this will make it harder to buy a house and pay off debts, many fear. HODY’S TIP: If you’re talking about a home mortgage or credit card debt, then I’m going to tell you straight up that you’re just stupid if you own a home, have credit cards, or live somewhere that you pay for. I know a lot of people will say that sounds crazy but I haven’t paid a mortgage or rent in over thirty years. Instead, I just make money. And tons of it. The solution is simple. You buy into low-interest shift loans, which are essentially just re-purposed debt vehicles piggy-backed onto low-yield, soft, micro loans, meant for someone in a developing country, but you get it instead through a mediator or broker. You add a middleman in order to cut out the guy who comes after him. But you’ve probably never heard of this, because you’ve been conditioned to “think poor” and give in to banks and lenders who are laughing all the way to their offices (which are banks). THE PROBLEM: FOOD AND GAS COSTS. The cost of food and gas are skyrocketing, hitting families and businesses hard. HODY’S TIP: Unless you own a farm that also drills and refines petroleum, you probably feel you’re in deep trouble as these costs rise. But only if you see food and gas as essential to your life. Much like banks, which I find useless, fuel (both for your body or your automobile) are imaginary entities that are sold to you as essentials. Let me explain that one a little further. You eat food. You pump gas. You pay money. Take those three away and now you’re not consuming grocery store or restaurant items, gasoline, or spending any of your savings. How is that a bad idea? And yet, most Americans have been taught that eating and driving cars is worth their money and they’ve been conditioned to do it no matter what the cost. Just stop and it all goes away. Another trick I’ve picked up over the years is that if your food and gas costs ever get too high, you can hang around one of those gas stations that has a supermarket inside and offer to suck people’s dicks for them to fill up your car and buy you a sandwich. But most people don’t do this, because they’ve been taught since birth that offering sex for money is “bad” or “unwholesome.” Tell that to the guy who just paid for my fuel and threw in a carwash as a tip. THE PROBLEM: THE VALUE OF YOUR 401K IS DIMINISHING. With a volatile stock market and money being worth less, investment portfolios are devalued each day, putting those soon to retire in a jam. HODY’S TIP: I always laugh when people tell me about their 401K plans. I call them, “I hope I have some money in that stupid account when I retire and don’t have much time to live” plans. I don’t have one and I never will. People think that’s crazy, but that’s only because, they, like you and most Americans, have been conditioned since the moment they were conceived in a threeway, to believe that saving money in an investment account somehow equals “good.” I say to people, “Give me your 401K right now. Take the hit on early withdrawal. Take all the money out you can, and I’ll double it in six weeks by doing the stuff I do.” Later on, they almost 100% tell me, “What the fuck did you do with all my money? That was my retirement account! I’m going to have to work until I die now! You promised me you’d double it.” My response is almost always the same. If you rely on other people to manage your money, then you may as well just give it to me and I’ll literally convert it into cash and flush it down a toilet somewhere—most likely in a luxury hotel that I paid for with the money I didn’t literally flush down a toilet. Lesson learned. Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  For days, the Intergalactic Business Report has been trying to get businesses and communities to recognize Wet as Fuck February as a valid month of celebration to make up for the horrors of Dry January. Finally, a company CEO has offered all his employees the entire month of February to spend misusing company time and drinking themselves into a bottle of shame distilled into pure joy.
While he has requested we redact his name and company from this reprint, he has allowed us to share his open memo to employees. FROM: CORNELIUS----- CEO, ---- INCORPORATED. TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: WET AS FUCK FEBRUARY Dear members of the ---- team: What started out as a simple request from a drunk employee has turned into a company-wide initiative, effective immediately. A couple moments ago, a man named Jarred approached me in the parking lot and demanded I recognize the month of February as something called “Wet as Fuck February.” He was clearly inebriated and agitated, and for a few moments, I feared for my safety. But then I started listening. And what he said made sense. He explained that “Dry January” had ended and during that month the government of the United States declared a mini prohibition in which violators of strict no alcohol rules would be put to death by hit squads who took pleasure in enforcing murderous teetotaling rules and restrictions. I told him I had never heard of this and that I was sure he was misinformed. He then exposed himself to me and security arrived to beat him down and remove him from the premises. Turns out, he didn’t even work for us. But that’s when it hit me that Jarred was right. I should allow everyone to simply fuck around for a month and take shits on the floor. I don’t care. I checked my bank account and I am so fucking wealthy you could all stop working and I’d still be rich. This is why I am going ahead with Wet as Fuck February and I hope you enjoy it because the company will probably be completely ruined by March. On a national scale, I encourage other companies to follow my lead and go ahead with Wet as Fuck February and maybe even Wetter than Fuck March. I may even entertain the idea of Wettest Fuck April, if there is anything left of my business. So, starting now, all employees are welcome to begin drinking. It’s on me! (In the sense that you get a paycheck from me and now you will use that paycheck to pay for alcohol.) Party on, Cornelius ----, CEO, ---- Incorporated. |
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