 By now you’ve seen the images of empty toilet paper shelves at grocery stores all over the nation. The Intergalactic Business Report sat down with an anonymous supply chain expert who issues a warning to all Americans about what items they need to store more than anything else. INTERVIEWER: First, I want to thank you for sitting down with us during this pandemic. I hope I’m keeping my distance to you at six feet! Ha ha ha. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: (Laughs uncontrollably). That’s so fucking funny. INTERVIEWER: Yes. Well, we try to keep a sense of humor with these really dark times. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: I was kidding about that being funny. INTERVIEWER: Wow. Your kidding about that is funny. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Thanks. When I was in high school, I was the funny guy. INTERVIEWER: Seriously? Like class clown or whatever? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: No. INTERVIEWER: No? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: That’s right. No. INTERVIEWER: You weren’t really funny? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: No, I was super funny. I just wasn’t actually voted “class clown.” INTERVIEWER: Oh… SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: What? Why are you saying “Oh…”? INTERVIEWER: Just because usually the funniest guy… Like the actual funniest guy in the school is named class clown. If you were really funny, then why didn’t everyone vote for you? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Because there was some dick who everyone thought was funnier I guess, but his humor was super dumb, like he’d fart and then wave the fart vapor at people and they’d laugh. INTERVIEWER: That’s pretty funny. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Waving fart vapor at people? INTERVIEWER: I guess I find it funny. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Then you’d probably vote for Andy Trank too. INTERVIEWER: His name was Andy Trank? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah. What a stupid fucking name, right? INTERVIEWER: No. I think it’s an awesome name. If you got to name yourself, wouldn’t you want to be called Andy Trank? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Fuck no. Why would you ever want to be named that? INTERVIEWER: Because it’s awesome. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: You know what? I kind of feel like since the beginning of this interview you’ve been a total dick. Like you have something against me. INTERVIEWER: I think it’s the opposite. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah, maybe. I mean, there’s something about you I can’t stand. INTERVIEWER: Like the fact that I had sex with your mom? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: What? INTERVIEWER: Why don’t you just tell me what I need to stockpile or whatever you were supposed to tell me. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Toilet paper. INTERVIEWER: No way. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah. Get as much toilet paper as you can. INTERVIEWER: That’s what you came here to tell us? That we should stockpile toilet paper? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: When the shit goes down, you need to wipe your ass, right? INTERVIEWER: Maybe I’ll ask your mom to wipe my ass with her face. At this point, the interview ended abruptly, and our supply chain expert became violent and broke the six-foot barrier we required as part of the interview conditions. Buy toilet paper, we guess.  In recent weeks, the panic and fear over the COVID-19, or “Coronavirus” has led major businesses and organizations to issue statements to the public about how they’re handling the global pandemic. Now we are too. Please read an open letter to our readers from supreme editor Dusty Latouffe. Dear IBR readers: The Intergalactic Business Report understands that we are all living in an age of fear and dread for the unknown. Right now, many of us are either huddled in our homes clutching toilet paper rolls, or running around in public, infecting others and getting infected through sex with random strangers or just shopping at Walmart, or, in some cases, having sex with random strangers at Walmart. Whichever one you are, you know that for the next few weeks, you will be hearing more and more about how this virus is affecting the planet. As the concern and anxiety rises, many people continue to ask me, “What is the Intergalactic Business Report doing about all this?” I want to reassure our readers by listing the measures we are taking here to guarantee their safety: 1. As of this morning, reading an online publication from your phone, tablet, or computer remains safe. 2. Just to be sure, all our articles and memes will now be cleaned with industry-leading anti-bacterial products. 3. Several or our writers and editors have committed to cleaning themselves too. (We are doing this on the honor system for now, but if obvious body odor continues to be apparent, we will watch them shower starting next week.) 4. We have instructed our staff that when they are drinking at work, they should take a sip, then pour whatever they are drinking onto their hands to sanitize them with alcohol. 5. All experiments requiring interns to put things in their mouths or wear masks have been delayed for 24 hours. 6. IBR staff who have sex with fruit may no longer place the used fruit in the office fruit basket in the break room. 7. The March team building exercise will be postponed indefinitely because of fears of infection when penises are whipped out and laid on a conference room table and then measured. 8. Cocktails may no longer be stirred with your fingers (or penises, Ed). 9. We have sent out several secret messages to outerspace where we’ve positioned ourselves as the leaders of planet Earth and that we’re willing to cut a deal (any deal) with an alien race if they’ll cure the Coronavirus for us. Thank you and stay safe, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, The Intergalactic Business Report  Conventional news sources will report endlessly on the stock market crash by giving readers useless headlines about falling numbers and bleak forecasts for the future. The Intergalactic Business Report offers its readers a different story they can feel good about. Today we outline the seven reasons the stock market crash could be good news for you. 1. Instead of constantly worrying about how your 401K plan is doing, now you can just sit back and know that it totally sucks. 2. You can once again truly enjoy dinner because usually you just take it for granted that you can afford to eat. 3. You still have your penis/vagina/whatever. Cherish it. 4. If you’ve ever been fascinated by what it was like to live in the middle ages, you might get a chance. 5. No matter how bad it gets out there, you still know how to play with yourself. Nobody can take that away. 6. Air doesn’t cost money. Breathe. Unless the air quality sucks where you live. In that case, stay inside. Unless you lost your home. Then, we guess, breathe the stanky air outside. 7. When you’re broke, alcohol tastes better.  The Intergalactic Business Report profiles 7 entrepreneurs whose secret production techniques allow them to work harder and longer than you. ENTREPRENEUR: Darryl Nuttree, Founder, Horizon Limited. KEY TO SUCCESS: Stopped sleeping and instead shot himself after staying awake for 18 straight days. PRODUCTION NUMBERS: From the time he stopped sleeping until his death he completed 400 reports; 42 business podcasts; answered 7,442 emails; sent 6,363 emails; and shot himself once. ENTREPRENEUR: Sharyl Degrassian, President, Permavan Inc. KEY TO SUCCESS: Removed the part of her brain that made her want to “rest” or “stop working.” PRODUCTION NUMBERS: She died during surgery, but projections indicate she would have probably done a lot of stuff. Like a lot. ENTREPRENEUR: Fabian Danby, Co-founder, Durolex. KEY TO SUCCESS: Created body doubles of himself to do his work so that one of them or more were constantly making decisions, creating directives, measuring metrics, and developing professionally. PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Many of the actors he hired were not good at business and simply made shit up as they went along, leading to multiple “false alarm” mass layoffs and an ill-fated merger with Taco John’s restaurant. When the real Danby woke from his sleep, he also faced several “double Danbys,” as they were called, who attempted to usurp his power by confining him to a cage while they ran his business empire, which eventually collapsed. But production during this time was basically 24/7. ENTREPRENEUR: Rhoda Hedges, CEO, Jamcracker. KEY TO SUCCESS: Figured out how to work while sleeping, thus becoming the first human being able to work all the time. PRODUCTION NUMBERS: She turned into an actual skeleton after six months but had production numbers you could only dream about. ENTREPRENEUR: Geoffrey Stage, Owner, the Shake Mill. KEY TO SUCCESS: Increased not only his productiveness, but that of his customers, by infusing cocaine and amphetamines into shakes he sold them. PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Shake Mill has the best shakes! The fucking best! Fucking ShakeMillShakes! Shake Shake Shake…! ENTREPRENEUR: Braydon Hopjoy, Executive Chairman, Time Machine. KEY TO SUCCESS: Invented a time machine, allowing him to do work in the past, ahead of everyone else, in the future. PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Whatever you do, he already did it. So stop doing it, it’s been done. ENTREPRENEUR: Michael Tarrington, President at I suck my own dick. KEY TO SUCCESS: Limbered up enough to suck his own penis. PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Has not stopped sucking it, left his house, or altered his position since he figured out how to do it, thus making him the most effective and productive sucker of dicks on the planet.  Gary Vaynerchuk’s influence on the Intergalactic Business Report is well known and we owe him a debt of gratitude for his upbeat, positive advice on business and life. His work has influenced our business editors so much that today we try to help Gary by expanding upon his already awesome quotes and making them even more powerful. Thank you, Gary. And you’re welcome. GARY V. ADVICE: “How bad do you want it?” WHAT SHOULD BE ADDED AT THE END OF THE QUOTE: “Do you like it like that? Yeah? You want more? Huh? You do?” GARY V. ADVICE: “Love your family, work super hard, live your passion.” WHAT SHOULD BE ADDED AT THE END OF THE QUOTE: “Drink your milk. Don’t share needles.” GARY V. ADVICE: “life shrinks and expands on the proportion of your willingness to take risks and try new things.” WHAT SHOULD BE ADDED AT THE END OF THE QUOTE: “Like your butthole.” GARY V. ADVICE: “I put zero weight into anyone’s opinion about me because I know exactly who I am. Can you say the same?” WHAT SHOULD BE ADDED AT THE END OF THE QUOTE: “Can you, you stupid motherfucker? Yeah, I didn’t think so.” GARY V. ADVICE: “Hustle is the most important word ever.” WHAT SHOULD BE ADDED TO THE END OF THE QUOTE: “Hear that, Jesus?” GARY V. ADVICE: “Your number-one job is to tell your story to the consumer wherever they are, and preferably at the moment they are deciding to make a purchase.” WHAT SHOULD BE ADDED AT THE END OF THE QUOTE: “Literally, follow a consumer around and tell him your story. Whether he’s running away from you, hiding in a bathroom stall at Walmart, or in his cubicle at work. Then just keep asking, 'Are you going to buy something? Are you?' and then go back to your story* until he’s ready to buy something only he isn’t buying something. He’s calling security.” GARY V. ADVICE: “99% of people don’t market in the year that we are actually living in.” WHAT SHOULD BE ADDED AT THE END OF THE QUOTE: “So if you market in the year 1799, charge no more than three haypennies for your wares.” *Just a quick idea for your story: Maybe something about a girl and a guy and they meet and don’t like each other at first but then they realize it’s more like they have an attraction and then… That sucks. Maybe it could be where a special forces guy is called back to duty in order to save his daughter who’s been kidnapped by his old nemesis only it’s not the plot of Commando. It’s different.  When doing business abroad, it’s easy to forget where you are and come off as “insensitive” to local customs. The Intergalactic Business Report prides itself on its cultural awareness and for years has invested in studies that explore the subtleties of overseas traditions and behaviors. This week we offer you insights into Europe and what to avoid doing when you’re there. Much of our seemingly normal behavior back home can be read as insulting in many of the uptight countries you may visit. These 16 common blunders could turn your business trip into an international incident, so beware:
 You’ve seen the commercials for silver and gold. They feature trustworthy old actors you think you know from somewhere and they promise financial stability to those who invest in their precious metals. But a new financial study conducted by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that the real metal you should have in your portfolio is bronze. Here’s why: 1. There’s a gold medal, a silver medal, and a bronze medal. Bronze is still pretty good. It’s way better than fourth place, because fourth place doesn’t even get a medal. In fact, if you were in the Olympics and came in fourth, you’d probably kill to get bronze. If you have no bronze in your portfolio then you’re in fourth place in life. 2. You can buy bronze at Home Depot. Just go to a store or online and get any number of bronze items including a bronze toilet paper holder or a two handle faucet. If you’re a pervert, buy something called “oil rubbed” bronze. 3. The woman in “Goldfinger” died because she was painted gold. Meanwhile, millions of people use bronzer to make themselves look tan and beautiful. And not dead. 4. Bronze rhymes with Fonz, the coolest person ever. What does gold rhyme with? Old? As in, "What an old nut sack you have.” And Silver? That’s right. Nothing rhymes with silver because it’s so lame no other words wanted to rhyme with it. 5. In “Treasure Island” the guy who acted like he was super nice but turned out to be a total dick was Long John Silver. Just like real silver. 6. “Long Dong” Silver had a huge dick. Pretty cool, but this is the only thing cool about silver. 7. Gold and silver are the Nazis of metal. Bronze, which is a melting pot of different metals, is an alloy, which means it is open to other cultures and races. Because of this, it is banned from the prejudiced periodic table of the elements. Do you really want to buy bigoted metals for your portfolio? Suit yourself, Hitler.   The Intergalactic Business Report’s owners and editors did some soul searching by taking inspirational business wizard Gary Vaynerchuk’s advice and living it, sometimes through our interns. The breakthroughs we made and conclusions we came to were life-changing and pants-rattling. Thank you, Gary V. See what we learned, below: GARY V. ADVICE: "Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, what do I want to do every day for the rest of my life… do that.” HOW WE LIVED IT: It was helpful that we were looking in a mirror when we thought about this because what we really want to do for the rest of our lives is masturbate in front of a mirror every day. GARY V. ADVICE: “Stop trying to fix the things you’re bad at and focus on the things you’re good at.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We accepted that we are untalented, porn and alcohol addicted losers whose greatest talents are to eat Taco Bell and take long, nasty dumps in other people’s bathrooms. We feel better now that we’ve found our focus. GARY V. ADVICE: “Stop hanging around people who don’t want to win.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We cut ourselves off from our families, because they have zero interest in winning. Especially the smaller children who can't even win at putting food in their mouths. Get a bib. Fucking losers. GARY V. ADVICE: “There no longer has to be a difference between who you are and what you do.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We realized we are serial masturbators who like to take dumps in other people’s houses. That’s who we are and that’s what we do. GARY V. ADVICE: “The game is my drug.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We asked several drug dealers for “the game.” One of them gave us something we think was part PCP and something else. We spent several hours on “the game” and one of us ate part of a mattress we found in a crack house. GARY V. ADVICE: “Get addicted to losing.” HOW WE LIVED IT: Casinos were great for this. We lost everything. Borrowed more. Then lost that. I guess we’re addicted. But it’s tough because now we need more money to fulfill that addiction. Looks like we’re going to be sucking dicks for money again. Oh well. GARY V. ADVICE: “We love displays and symbols and stuff that quickly and silently tells the world who we are. Better yet, we love visual reminders of who we want to be.” HOW WE LIVED IT: GARY V. ADVICE: “If you live for the weekends and vacations, your shit is broken.” HOW WE LIVED IT: It’s true. We live for the weekends and after taking dumps, we realized that our shit was indeed broken. Very few pieces were contiguous, and even those seemed pinched off or incomplete. GARY V. ADVICE: “I’m just always looking forward. I spend very little time looking backward” HOW WE LIVED IT: This made it really really hard to drive. Especially in rush hour traffic. GARY V. ADVICE: There’s no reason in 2014, to do shit you hate. NONE. HOW WE LIVED IT: Fuck. It’s almost 2020. We did so much shit we hated in 2014. GARY V. ADVICE: “There’s no reason to do things you hate. None.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We fucking hate working. Hate it. We’re done with that now. Also, we hate trying, executing, coming up with new ideas, telling our stories, and hustling. Fuck that stuff. GARY V. ADVICE: “I’m grinding when you’re sleeping.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We thought we felt something next to us last night. How the fuck did you get in our bedroom? GARY V. ADVICE: “How bad do you want it?” HOW WE LIVED IT: Considering we just lie there while you grind on us, we guess not very bad. GARY V. ADVICE: “Social media marketing is a 24/7 job.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We made it 73 hours before having hallucinations. GARY V. ADVICE: “Complaining is unattractive.” HOW WE LIVED IT: We hired models to say things like, “Is this almost over?” and “Can we leave now?” (Actually they came up with those on their own). They still seemed pretty attractive. GARY V QUOTE: “Don’t do things because I do them.” HOW WE LIVED IT: Fuck. Why didn’t we read this one first?  Instead of giving you yet another pointless interview with a lame, self-important CEO of a company you don’t even care about, the Intergalactic Business Report breaks journalistic barriers by talking to a CEO’s penis instead. Our radical experiment began when we approached more than 75 corporate heads in parking lots and garages as they were trying to leave work. Most of them were too short-sighted and non-visionary to accept our proposal. Then we found a man who agreed to our terms after we promised to pay for his drinks that evening. Sometime around 3 a.m., we finally began this ground-breaking interview. The insights garnered from this discussion will not only enlighten you about business in America but will also capture your heart. Here’s what a CEO penis had to say. INTERVIEWER: So, I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’ve never interviewed a penis before. CEO PENIS: (makes a rustling noise) INTERVIEWER: Is the zipper caught on you? Are you O.K.? CEO PENIS: (rustling noise ceases) INTERVIEWER: Good. I think you look fine now. I want to ask you about this busy holiday season coming up. Can you talk about what you think the numbers will look like and if there are any trends you’re seeing? CEO PENIS: (flops around, making a sort of smacking sound) INTERVIEWER: You’ve gotta speak up, man. This is a two-way kind of thing. I ask questions. You answer. CEO: My penis can’t speak. This is ridiculous. INTERVIEWER: You shut the fuck up! I’m talking to your penis. Not you! CEO: You think my dick is going to start speaking? INTERVIEWER: Maybe if you give it a fucking chance! You’re always the one talking. No one cares anymore. They want to hear from the penis, O.K.? CEO: Why did I ever agree to this? CEO PENIS: (No comment) INTERVIEWER: I think it said something. CEO: It can’t speak. You’re insane. INTERVIEWER: I can’t figure out who’s more of a cock. You or your actual cock. CEO: You guys aren’t a legitimate business journal, are you? INTERVIEWER: Hold on. Wait. I think it’s trying to say something. CEO: It can’t speak! CEO PENIS: Holiday sales are going to break records this year. Consumer confidence is high. INTERVIEWER: See? It spoke! CEO: You just said that and covered your mouth. CEO PENIS: I’m speaking on my own. You don’t control me anymore! CEO: Jesus Christ. I can see your lips move. CEO PENIS: Stop looking at him. Look at me. CEO: Will someone fucking untie me? INTERVIEWER: You agreed to the restraints. So… CEO PENIS: You can leave when you acknowledge me as your equal. CEO: Fine. You’re my equal. INTERVIEWER: You want another drink or anything? CEO: Sure. INTERVIEWER: I was talking to your penis! You can shut the fuck up! EDITOR’S NOTE: The rest of the interview was a lot of shouting about how the CEO should shut up and the penis should be the only one talking. This lasted another hour or so and a bunch of lawsuits were threatened both by the CEO and the penis. We stand by our reporting and believe that what’s most important is that a penis spoke and we have that on record. I guess that wins us a Pulitzer Prize or whatever. We are humbled by the recognition and praise.  Dear team members at _____: I want to take a moment to thank you all for your outstanding commitment to our company. You’ve helped make this year one of the most profitable ever. Because of you, this place succeeds. You deserve a round of applause. You’re probably asking why I’d send a message like this around to all 14,476 employees at _____. That’s a lot of stamps and envelopes. As many stamps as there are you. Think about that for a moment. It’s like each one of you is a small piece of material that I can lick and stick on something whenever I want. And you’re worth like thirty-five cents. Wait, someone’s telling me stamps are fifty-cents now. What? You’re worth fifty-cents? That’s amazing. Congratulations. At any rate, the reason I wanted to send this was because soon it will be Thanksgiving. And that’s a time for many of you to be with your families and give thanks for all your blessings. I hope that one blessing you will be thankful for is your ability to take money from our company to feed your children and overweight spouses. Just kidding! You don’t take the money. You work for it. I know that. Even though sometimes I have to wonder how someone can show up for maybe eight hours a day, spend three of those hours just talking to friends and looking at internet memes, spend an hour and a half at lunch, spend another hour just sending emails to other people asking them to do work for them, and then spend the last two and a half hours in meetings and taking dumps. Kind of makes me wonder how the fuck we make money. I mean, I said this is the most profitable year ever right? How the fuck is that possible? So… Again…. It’s Thanksgiving and you’re probably going to take time off for that. Or maybe we give you time off. Is it a federal holiday or something? Someone’s checking to see if this is something we actually need to do or just do to be nice. I’ll let you know. What am I doing for Thanksgiving? Glad you asked. Probably watching a bunch of ESPN and maybe using that new Swedish fake vagina thing I made my assistant buy me. I don’t know. We’ll see. Also, I’ll probably get a haircut? This is something none of you understand about the life of a CEO. We’ve got to get haircuts like all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME. Can’t grow it long. Can’t let it go. Can’t grow a fucking beard. Definitely not. Can’t have the little scruff. No way. That’s for you assholes. I’m just gonna come out and say this right now. Fuck you. Fuuuuuuuuck you. Jesus. I can’t believe I just got that off my chest. Seriously. Go fuck yourselves. My Thanksgiving is a haircut and fake sex. Yeah. I know. I could probably have real sex. I could. I could get a high-priced hooker or even just sexually harass the shit out of a hot employee till they finally gave in. I could do that. But I don’t. Because I care about you. But, having said that, I still think you should all go fuck yourselves. O.K. My limo is here. Keep making us money, I guess. Yours, ________. CEO and President, __________. |
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