 As NYU business professor/social media personality/political activist Scott Galloway denounces the Trump administration for fascism akin to Nazi Germany, he’s announced a personal boycott of all companies he feels are both tacitly and overtly supporting it. He’s asking you to do the same.
As he broadcasts from his shelter in the U.K., where he’s lived since 2022, he calls upon U.S. citizens to cancel subscriptions to their most comforting sites and services in order to bring the country to its knees and retroactively stop Hitler? Or at least that’s what we’re getting from all this. (Full disclosure, we failed college business and Scott’s cool professor lectures seem super cool—till you realize you may have to drop his class because all the people around you are nodding their heads and grinning and you’re thinking about Thirsty Thursday). Scott, who gives other super cool advice, like that young people should get more drunk and make bad decisions, is the kind of voice the Intergalactic Business Report admires, mostly for that one idea, although we think it should also apply to adults, and maybe start tonight. As the “February Freeze” sinks in, we help Scott by identifying other things he (and you) can boycott right now to stop the descent into fascism, at least until the opposing political party is elected again and the fascism disappears overnight and everybody’s saying it’s a new day and Fleetwood Mac is there. Until then, fight, resist, and harry on by boycotting these overlooked things: What else Scott Galloway should boycott to end American fascism: Using his right hand to jerk off. This will prevent him from watching porn that inadvertently supports the Trump administration by providing soothing masturbation materials to the public, leaving them satiated while fascism settles in. By “freezing” his jerk off hand, he will finally end the fascist grip on his penis, which seeks to control him and us by stoking (or is it stroking?) fears about immigration, foreigners, and what it would be like if your step sister was really hot and she was into you and having sex with her wouldn’t destroy your entire family. His deadpan, monotone voice. This will be replaced by a whackier, high-pitched tone and will end with a Loony Tunes, Porky Pig “That’s all folks!” to signify he’s done speaking—for now. Loony Tunes. In direct conflict with the above, all Loony Tunes characters will be banned from Scott’s mind, because they support fascism by sitting idly by while it consumes America. Also, there’s probably an old cartoon of them with Charles Lindbergh. Astroglide. Scott’s sexual experiences will not only be devoid of his right hand (see above) but there will also be no lubricant involved, punishing both him and his partners, but reminding them stroke by stroke of how fascism really feels. Toilet paper. This measure will give his right hand something to do since it can no longer be used to jerk off. No toilet paper will also be a constant reminder that fascism stinks. And is messy. And you can’t get the smell of it off you once you wipe it on your hand. Grindr. Even if you’re not gay or into random hookups, how can anyone sit idly by boning people at rest tops or train bathrooms while Trump ruins America? Taco Bell. Wipe that fucking mild sauce off your mouth and pull out that Chalupa. From now on, you will only eat tacos from food trucks run by undocumented citizens. U.F.Os. Space aliens are just going to sit there and do nothing? Just like they did with Hitler? Scott will stop watching episodes of Project U.F.O, Ancient Aliens, and officially denounce E.T. as a collaborator. Underwear. How can you just sit there, in your underwear, while Trump ruins America? Inveighing against tech companies for “getting all of us to hate each other” while trying to get everyone to hate each other. On second thought, let’s keep that one. Entertainment that makes us laugh. How can you just sit idly by and laugh as fascism overtakes the United States? All Scott’s entertainment will now be Ingmar Bergman films, World War Two footage of Hitler, and the Finnish version of “The Office.” Also, the Intergalactic Business Report.  As a business magazine, the Intergalactic Business Report cares for the people everyone hates—the CEOs, the ad people, the bankers, and Crypto assholes.
This year, we promise to refocus and give them the hope and, yes, love they probably don’t deserve but could pay for if paying for that becomes possible, like through a robot who strokes them off, a service where people pretend to like you, or mail order companions. You get it. What we’re saying is that if you are of those rarest of human beings who feel they are above all others because they know where to buy “real” hummus, who actively seek opportunities to take their shirts off in public, or have a personalized license plate that reads: CLOSER, we are your source for information and entertainment. We’re not done yet though. If you’re someone who finds ways to use the number 69 to express yourself; if you feel the ChatGPT prompts you developed are a “force multiplier”; or if you have a story about where you tipped a waitress 110%, you should be reading this, as well as all the other crap we tirelessly churn out. You’re not going to find a more unapologetic take on what’s most important in this life and this world—money and power. We tell you about the lifestyle you want and talk to business icons you have no chance of ever meeting in real life. Whether you’re aspirational or feel like you’ve already made it, just know this: we care about you. We care about you reading this. A lot. Unlike others, we don’t think you’re a douchebag. And we think it’s cool you bought that two-thousand-dollar bottle of tequila. In the darkness of reality, we are like your personal black light, that shows where all the jizz is in your hotel room, and, yes, in your life. So let us into your life and start calling us Bruv. We’ll act like that’s cool—because it is. Right? We are here for you and hope to be a companion on your journey to success. If you use what we tell you, it’s almost guaranteed you can become a billionaire. It’s all here, waiting. Very Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report  If you’ve ever walked into a convenience or grocery store and seen what looks like an impossible price for a product, you may have been identified as a “dipshit” by marketers. With new coding technology, some businesses have been able to alter prices instantly as they see certain consumers approach their goods, making millions in profits by targeting those their algorithm deems simpletons or unable to control their purchasing impulses. Below, we tell you how it works.
Instantaneous bar recoding tech gives sellers a new edge. While bar codes appear permanent enough, a new electronic paper system allows retailers to update prices not only on the code but on the listed price as well. This means that, from a distant computer, businesses can update their inventory without pulling off pricing stickers. Instead, they are able to alter the ink itself to reflect a totally new code and price. Sounds impossible? A senior marketing director told us that, “Ink and paper technology has reached a new age in which it almost appears we’re doing magic. But we’re not. If you pay for the right coding system, you can change what consumers see almost instantly.” Instantaneous bar recoding (IBR), as it is called by the industry, goes a step further. IBR, creates consumer profiles based on facial recognition and other factors to alter pricing as a person nears a product in a store. For instance, candy prices may be lowered automatically when children get near a row of Kit Kat bars. On the opposite end, when susceptible, mentally weak adults, or “dipshits” as marketers crudely call them, see a product they like, the price may hike dramatically. As an example, a twenty-something man may enter a city grocery store to buy beer. Scanners rate him for mental acuity and awareness and give him a low score. Then he sees a case of Sapporo beer, which the algorithm has determined is his favorite. The price instantly goes up to $45.99, which is bordering on the outrageous. The “dipshit” then goes into a state of shock and questions the price but still considers buying the beer because that’s how marketing works. The aftermath of “dipshit” identification. In the hypothetical story about the Sapporo beer, the consumer who paused and pondered the pricing was identified in the marketing system as someone perplexed by the price but also captured by the power of suggestion. While he may not be weak enough to actually buy the beer, he now is fixated on the idea of it and his purchasing behavior changes as he sees Sapporo as more valuable than it actually is. “Why,” he asks himself, “Is Sapporo more expensive here than anything else?” And it is precisely then that instantaneous bar recoding works. This consumer now puts the product at a premium in his mind, and it sticks there. He will always pay more for Sapporo, so the theory goes. He also contacts friends and relatives, who may also be potential “dipshits” and infects them with his story about the unusual pricing. They join him in valuing Sapporo at a higher level. They begin to wonder whether the world is “running out” of Sapporo and if they should start buying it now before it’s all gone. Finally, the consumer is placed in a database of other “dipshits” whose prices change whenever they enter a store using the technology. The future of instantaneous bar recoding. For now, IBR is limited to Sapporo beer and a few other items, like sardines, some brands of penis pumps, and beef. But marketers expect its use to grow quickly as businesses catch on to the potential. If you feel you’ve been put into a “dipshit” database and would like to understand your rights and responsibilities, contact us at [email protected].   As Gary Indiana submitted its proposal for the new Chicago Bears stadium, other cities, some of them not even in the state of Illinois, submitted theirs too. We share the ones we feel are top contenders, and evaluate the pros, cons, and possibilities. Arlington Heights: Bearadise. Projected cost: $2-5 Billion (with $855 Million in public funding). Capacity: 60-65,000. Pitch: “A mixed use entertainment district anchored by a state-of-the-art NFL stadium.” Architectural style: Fixed-roof NFL style stadium. Pros: Metra access, $10 Billion economic impact. The Bears already purchased the property for $197 Million. Cons: $855 Million in public funding for infrastructure such as roads. High property taxes. Myanmar: Supreme Good Stadium of the God of Wealth. Capacity: 750,000. Projected Cost: Free (with slave labor). Pitch: “You do this and you will feel freedom from the fire demons we have summoned.” Architectural style: Football field, surrounded by another, much bigger field that is level with the football field. On the “spectator field” fans just gather, most of them not really understanding that a game is taking place in the central circle. Gunfire and rockets provided for night games. Cons: Fans must fly to Thailand and then be helicoptered into a warzone to see games. Pros: That’s pretty much like going to a Bears game now. Rantoul, Illinois: Rantoul Dome.  Capacity: 250. Projected cost: $450,000. Pitch: “This will be an intimate setting for players if they’re shy and don’t want all that noise. Also, opponents might get weirded out by it and fumble and stuff.” Architectural style: “Large Circus Tent.” Pros: The cost of construction comes in lowest and local strippers will replace cheerleader salaries. Cons: Only 250 tickets may be sold per game because after that, the tent becomes a fire hazard. Rockford, Illinois: Pornhub Stadium.  Capacity: 78,000.
Projected cost: $1.8 Billion. Pitch: “Adults only stadium that will make you come back for more.” Architectural style: Traditional stadium design with private chambers for spectators to whack off in. Cons: Even though the whack off chambers are considered “private” you can still see your neighbors pounding their baloney. 60% of women in focus groups said the whack off chambers would affect their decision to attend games. Pros: For public masturbators, this is a dream come true. Rockford is known as the “Jerk off capital of America” and Pornhub naming rights will cover stadium construction. 40% of women react positively to the whack off chambers. That’s a really good number and would attract the kinds of women Pornhub stadium is looking for.  Before people started saying, “it is what it is” they said the much more colorful, but equally inane: “Shit happens.” They even made tee-shirts.
When we think of the year 2025 at the Intergalactic Business Report, the phrase “Shit happens” is more relevant than ever. Not only is it an empty way to explain any occurrence or event, but it also suggests that whatever happened was shitty. And as we choose the IBR articles that sum up the year best, we find it almost impossible to find even one that doesn’t stink of fecal matter. But as we face criticism for spending year after year putting utter crap into news streams, social media, and the internet in general, we ask our critics if it’s we that should face judgment, or rather humanity itself. After all, you created us and we just react to the stuff you do, making us invulnerable to your attacks and disdain. If you’ve never read the Intergalactic Business Report, you may think we are important enough to receive “judgment” and “criticism” and you would be wrong. On the contrary, we have found our readership consists mostly of Chinese bots and the rare real human we trick to read our articles because they are fooled into thinking they will receive actual advice, information, or solutions to their problems. We offer none of those. With that, we offer you our “Year in Review,” in which we started slow with simple dating advice and ended strong with a possible cure for Alzheimer’s. In between, we covered topics ranging from ways to get anything you want through manifestation to an exclusive about the first person to reach the singularity. We know, it’s heady stuff, and we get like zero credit for it. But whatever. We kept giving you steady, actionable business advice throughout the year with articles on how to write performance improvement plans and how to survive in a volatile economy. We exposed you to brutal career truths and gave you a business proposition you couldn’t turn down. Ever. We also made the greatest statement about the future of artificial intelligence. Ever. Then we recanted it. We gave ChatGPT one hundred dollars to see if it could make us rich. And we taught you how to email like a CEO. We also showed you how to prosper with the “new” LinkedIn and we told you about the most overlooked charities you should support. In our culture section, we found deleted scenes from your favorite movies, covered the Bachelor, and explained the ending of “the Handmaid’s Tale.” We also went bottle deep into “Drunk People Awareness” month, with articles about “the Valley’s” Danny Darko, and how drunk people are a minute away from getting minority status. We told you about travel tips and how bloodthirsty squirrels may be coming for you. We changed how you think about penis size and explained how you’re flushing your toilet wrong. We solved the loneliness epidemicand told you what never to do at a funeral home. We also gave you amazing health advice and featured a profound editorial by a man who talks loudly in airport lounges. What else? Oh yeah. We told you how you’re wasting your money and the least attractive male names on the planet. Our coverage of brands and advertising was again unparalleled as we explored everything from the Modelo Cowboy to Super Bowl commercials. And our advice on alternatives for Pickle Ball players is considered a masterpiece. Our “Secret Report” section told you about AI takeovers and parasites in your body. Of course there was much more and you missed it all. But that’s okay because shit happens. Just remember that in 2026 even more shit will take place and we will be here, writing about it. Very Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report.  The Double Whopper Opportunity Project will upgrade meals for millions. We all want to become better people—especially during Christmastime. But we fall short when we descend into the numbness of consumer culture and gifts that show how much we spent instead of how much we care.
This holiday, the Intergalactic Business Report challenges you to make your presents ones that serve humanity. It’s easy to contribute yourself or on behalf of a friend or family member. We take pride in identifying good causes and below, we list our four favorite charities we feel need special help right now. Consider making a difference and donating to: The most overlooked charities you can contribute to this holiday. Streaker Relief Fund. What happens when you sneak onto the field of a professional sports game, take your clothes off, and run around to the delight of fans? Answer: you get tackled, cuffed, and roughly “escorted” off. For viewers like you, it seems like a gentle game of who’s that naked guy getting trucked by those dudes in yellow jackets, but, in reality, it’s a terrifying moment for the nude man who is simply trying to make his way around the field, court, or crowded mall. In a few seconds, his life can change as streakers are 1000% more likely than other humans to be injured while running without clothes on. The Streaker Relief Fund offers medical reimbursement, legal aid, and shelter to streakers who haven’t “made it” through the gauntlet of security guards, players, and tasers… because no one ever does. The Streaker Relief Fund also works to support legislation to make it legal for both registered and unregistered (spur of the moment) streakers to interrupt sports competitions by running around naked without the fear of being “taken down” by officials and security personnel. Instead, everyone will have to just sit there and watch till the streaker tires and leaves on his own accord. With your help, streakers everywhere can have a life where dignity and safety come first. For just $17 a month, you can sponsor your own streaker by providing him legal assistance, a private changing area, and medical coverage. Double Whopper Opportunity Project. Millions of people in the U.S. face a dilemma each day when they visit a Burger King restaurant—do they order a single or double Whopper? While this seems like an easy choice (one double Whopper, please), did you know that many Americans can only afford the single? The single whopper offers a mere 670 calories and if you stretch your budget to add cheese, you only get it up to around 760 calories. Compare that to a full double Whopper with cheese at 1040 calories and you start to see the gap between rich and poor. The estimated cost difference among Whoppers can be anywhere from $2.50 to a staggering four dollars more and to many, this is unaffordable. The Double Whopper Opportunity Project (DWOP) seeks to compel Burger King locations everywhere to upgrade single Whoppers to double Whoppers (with cheese) to anyone who orders one regardless of income, age, or if they say they only want a single Whopper with no cheese. Using a massive “Whopper Fund,” which starts with your donation, DWOP will directly pay Burger King to instill this new policy. With a mere 1.7 billion dollars, we feel we can accomplish this ambitious goal. But we need your help. Will you consider a gift of half your yearly income (for one year only!) to support people who need more from their sandwich? Whether you make $50K a year, or a million, every contribution has an impact. All we ask is half of what you make to make someone’s meal whole. Time’s running out, so donate to the DWOP, on the double! White Woman/Homeless Man Exchange Program. White women everywhere, but particularly in the suburbs of major cities, have a problem they can’t solve on their own—how to truly serve at-risk and in-need citizens in urban areas who don’t have homes and aren’t satisfied with the food and shelters provided them. The pain for white women is real. As they shop at Whole Foods and have lawn care people set up their Christmas lights, they feel a constant sense of dread as they watch MSNOW and only have the conviction to lowly mutter phrases like “you go girl” as they watch female “people of color” say things. In their hearts they know they can’t just give money, lecture neighbors, and say, “you go girl” and make a true difference in the lives of the underprivileged. They also don’t want to give away all their money and live in a box out of solidarity. The White Woman/Homeless Man Exchange Program offers suburban women the opportunity to feel like they gave all their money away and now live in a box by switching roles with a carefully chosen street person from the city. Here’s how it works: we rate your neighborhood by level of affluence and match you with a homeless man whose poverty is commensurate. We “trading places” you with this man and you must figure out a way to regain your spot in your own household, thus teaching you both a lesson in power dynamics, social disparity, and how houses smell when a man who refuses to take a shower and attempts to set your pets on fire lives there. We’re not asking for money—just your time. Your time spent living on the streets and fending for yourself as a person who could be mentally deranged and addicted to drugs changes spots with you for the foreseeable future. Contact us today to get matched to your homeless man so we can get YOU on the street and HIM in your house before Christmas. We Are All Flashers. Let’s be honest. We all have sexual proclivities, but some of us have ones that make us do them in public. While you may be into nasty stuff you’re embarrassed to share, there are some Americans who are unable to fulfill their sexual desires without exposing themselves in public. We Are All Flashers is a charity with a simple message: Everyone has sexual kinks so support people who do this one. For the most part, flashing is a victimless crime in which you get “flashed” by a guy who finds satisfaction in going to a park, for example, and showing his naked body to the public. Is that so different than the feet stuff you’re into? While some people do report trauma from flashing events, the vast majority of those who are flashed say it was either just “weird,” “disturbing,” or “a little scary.” And after the flashing is over, the flasher almost always runs away. We Are All Flashers works with communities to provide safe zones in which people who are basically O.K. with flashers understand that they are in an area in which flashing is accepted. For instance, a huge sign will be placed at the entrance to parks listing it as a “flasher zone” and that flashing is only permitted during certain hours, making it safe for flashers and flashed alike. This Holiday Season, open your heart so we can open our raincoats. Your dollars go directly to support local legislation to open “flasher zones” in your municipality and a small portion to fund raincoats and breakaway clothing for flashers who can’t afford their own. Please give today.  This is now cool to do on LinkedIn. It had to happen eventually. LinkedIn, the social media equivalent of having brunch with your boss, is becoming the place where you tell your boss off color jokes and get way too personal over Mimosas.
What was once a forum for simply announcing to the professional world that you didn’t “like to post about yourself but” you won an award no one’s ever heard of and that you were “more than thrilled to announce” you accepted a new job nobody cares about, is now edging toward you trying to gain a following through your totally original political views, funny as hell videos, and posts about your self-published book on leadership. LinkedIn looks more and more like Instagram if they had a “safe” version for teens (whoops, they have that already) and people like you wonder whether they should just start posting photos of their families and thirst memes or if they should stay with trying to act like a serious businessperson, as if that’s actually a thing. As we always do, the Intergalactic Business Report helps you navigate this new world of “cool” LinkedIn by listing what you should or shouldn’t do when posting. 8 tips for being cool on LinkedIn. -Go ahead and post a picture of you with your shirt off in front of a mirror and say you’re “more than thrilled to announce I’ve increased my delt size by 1/16th of an inch.” -Tease showing your tits but don’t reveal nipples. -Limit references to Hitler as a CEO. -No “beef” videos where you call out a former boss for being a little bitch. -When you announce a promotion, don’t post slo-mo videos of you pouring money on strippers. -Tattoo reveals are now fine. -Do an “on the street” interview where you walk around your office asking people who they think their hottest co-worker is. -Great idea: post a video of your boss giving a speech while you “react” to it on a different screen. If you’re not sure how to do this, just look confused sometimes, then nod, then sometimes point at the screen with your boss on it. Then shake your head no. It doesn’t need to make sense.  Age discrimination is illegal, we think. Still, you shouldn’t act old around your office because people will secretly make fun of you and think you’re out of touch. If you do any of these sixteen things, you need to stop now and start acting younger.
These behaviors are aging you by decades at work: 1. You spell words. 2. You’ve spent time being bored in your life and don’t need therapy for the PTSD that caused. 3. You have conversations without also checking your Instagram and giggling about it and when someone asks what’s so funny you just say, “Oh, it’s not you.” 4. You have sex without being get choked out while someone puts something in your butt and it’s getting filmed and all the lights are on and you met the person twenty minutes ago on Tinder. 5. You eat food without taking a picture of it. 6. Someone can flirt with you without you filing a lawsuit against them. 7. You don’t eat ass or bleach your asshole because those are assholes. 8. You talk about memories you have without showing people a picture you took of it on your phone. 9. You don’t “identify” as anything because you’re you. 10. You don’t need to tell people your pronouns, because unless they’re writing a novel where you’re the protagonist, there’s probably no reason to put you in third person. 11. You ask co-workers to feed you soup because your arms are so old you can’t lift them anymore. Your mouth can’t chew either. 12. You ask people to communicate with you through telegraphemes. 13. “Sexting” for you is drawing a picture of a dick on the wall of a bathroom stall with your phone number next to it and your phone is a landline attached to an answering machine that says, “When you hear the beep, you know what to do.” 14. You do the “Charleston” when you get excited. 15. You refer to movies as “motion pictures.” 16. You understand Roman numerals.  If you’re a public figure, nothing is more frustrating than being misquoted by the press. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding, but other times it’s the result of a purposeful “hit” by a zealous reporter who wants to tarnish your image. Worse is that when newspapers and magazines get it wrong and finally take responsibility for their mistakes, we see this admission buried in their publications under euphemistic or arcane headings like “corrections” or “errata.”
To counter this, the Intergalactic Business Report will now publish occasional but fully revealing corrections of all the errors we have made or can think of. And we will put it up front, on a page seen by tens of people, so everyone can see it. Below we list those mistakes and plead for your forgiveness.
 One of the advantages of a LinkedIn account is receiving constant updates on how to behave like you’re someone else who’s also better than you. Lately, infographics and commentary have focused on the idea of emailing “like a CEO,” and how regular, unpowerful people can pretend they’re powerful by “emailing” for the job they want and not the lowly one they have.
The Intergalactic Business Report enters the discussion with its own tips for phrasing emails to show that you mean business. Below, we take the common wording underlings like you use and show you how big men (and big ladies) with big penises do it. You’re welcome. ❌ "I need your help with this." ❌ "I'll have this to you by 3pm." ❌ "Can you confirm by Friday?" ❌ "Thank you for your patience." ❌ "I need your expertise on this." ❌ "Have you had time to review?" ❌ "What questions do you have?" ❌ "This needs attention by [date]." ❌ "I've identified a problem with..." ❌ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about..." ❌ "Based on the data, I recommend..." ❌ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline." ✅ “You’re hard. I’m hard. Let’s make this work for both of us.” ✅ "At 3 p.m. my pants will be at my ankles. And you’ll have my report.” ✅ "Can you confirm by Friday that my dick is the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” ✅ "Thank you for your patience. I’m hard now." ✅ "I’m so hard right now. I need your expertise on this. Can you come by my place after work?." ✅ "Have you had time to review the picture of my butthole?" ✅ "What questions do you have about the width/size/capacity of my butthole?" ✅ "This dick needs attention by [date]." ✅ "I've identified a problem with my penis..." ✅ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about my penis size..." ✅ "Based on the data, I recommend you have sex with me..." ✅ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline to pound me from behind." |
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