Whether your email is cold or hot, your subject line alerts the reader immediately to your purpose. But did you know that a bad subject line can also immediately turn readers off and cause them to toss your important message in the trash?
Using proprietary neuro-linguistic technology, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you which common subject lines you need to avoid today. Never, ever, write:
SUBJECT: PLEEZE OPEN DIS EMAIL. IT SAFE.
SUBJECT: Checking in. And free penis pics.
SUBJECT: Follow up on your request to have your computer filled with viruses.
SUBJECT: You open email, yes? You do it now?
SUBJECT: Special message from Nigerian Prince banking.
SUBJECT: You trust me, yes? You open da email please?
SUBJECT: Spread your buttcheeks and let this email enter you.
SUBJECT: Click to buy bitcoin direct from the Russian mafia. NOT A JOKE.
SUBJECT: Follow link to choose new career as a model/hostess in an Asian brothel.
SUBJECT: Pffffftttttttttttttttttttttt. (Fart).
SUBJECT: Human turd requests your loyalty.
SUBJECT: Read email to confirm curse from 18th century demonic twins Patty and Harriet Thistlewaite.
SUBJECT: My balls sent this email. Click to see how.
IBR Merch, the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report, wants your money. Will there be enough inventory to satisfy our 4 trillion readers this holiday season? Probably not. That’s why we recommend going to ibrmerch.com today and buying everything you can.
Instead of giving the usual crappy gifts you give every year, surprise a friend or relative with our crappy gifts. We pride ourselves on creating apparel that no rational human being would ever want to wear in public.
Check out the highlights for our latest drop:
Drunk People Awareness collection.
This stunning new clothing line includes tee-shirts and sweat shirts that ask the question, “Is it normal to be this drunk?”
Other selections are the “just shit my pants. change my diaper” tee; our classic drunk person appreciation fleece; the “drunker than jesus” shirt; and a male instruction guide.
You can also buy official IBR gear and men’s and women’s fashion.
Above all, the value you will find in all our merchandise is the money you spend that starts going to us instead of to wherever else you would have wasted it. That’s the promise we make to every customer.
Keep checking in, as we will update our store with new crap as the holiday season continues.
In a new series of ads, Facebook tries to explain why they suck so hard at issues like privacy and freedom of expression. Our favorite features some dude named “Jack” from the Facebook Content Team that banned the Intergalactic Business Report from advertising in 2020 when we said something they didn’t like.
Almost a year later, the ban has not been lifted, and Facebook has offered no recourse for us to appeal, complain, or even receive a reason for our banishment. Because advertising on Facebook was our primary avenue to bring satire and joy to people around the country and world, we have had to rely on our loyal followers to share and spread that joy for us.
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report attempts to identify the reasons behind our Facebook ban by the noble content arbiter “Jack.” So, what was it? We have a feeling our coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic may have contributed? We list 17 articles that may have led to our excommunication.
1. We suggested magic may be the strongest defense against COVID-19.
2. We reported that Hawaiian Punch may be superior to most vaccines.
3. We wrote about a penis-delivered vaccine called the “hot beef injection.”
4. We proposed that the cure for Coronavirus may be you shutting the fuck up.
5. We told you that a new virus called “Curvedbonervirus” might be worse than Coronavirus.
6. We said that some people are dying twice from COVID-19.
7. We claimed to have negotiated with an alien race to end the pandemic.
8. We mentioned that according to Chinese government officials, having sex with Chinese government officials may give you immunity from the Coronavirus.
9. We also stated that eating vampire boogers may be a cure.
10. We told you that COVID-19 cases could reach 4 billion per day.
11. We asserted that we could end the pandemic if everyone stopped breathing.
12. We speculated about the threat of “no-symptomatic” people.
13. We listed “ball sweat” as a possible Coronavirus symptom.
14. We reported that you may already be dead from COVID-19.
15. We suggested that the lifting of “shelter in place” orders may give you the ability to fly.
16. We revealed our plan to save professional sports during the pandemic by starting a world-wide group masturbation league.
17. We invented a quarantine sport called “Can I fit that up my butt?”
In an “employee’s market” businesses are doing everything they can to attract and retain talent. But sometimes benefits packages, perks, and competitive salaries are not enough. A negative office culture may be slowly driving away your top team members and you don’t even know it.
The Intergalactic Business Report conducted a seven-pronged study about common practices most workplaces adhere to and found they had a disastrous effect on job satisfaction and happiness. If you do any of these at your office, change them today, or risk losing your best talent.
RULE ONE: If an employee has a “bitch look” on his face (as determined by his supervisor) then he forfeits that day’s pay.
RULE TWO: Employees must participate in “alternative religious” ceremonies in which they may be required to kill a goat and are responsible for recruiting two new members (one of which may be sacrificed to ensure a successful quarter) each month.
RULE THREE: Once an employee enters the office he or she may never “leave.”
RULE FOUR: Promotions are based on physical contests, like bare-knuckles fighting done in a pit in the basement or just blow jobs.
RULE FIVE: New hires are “beaten into” your team by running a crude gauntlet through cubicles and the copy and break rooms where they are hit with fists, staplers, and improvised pain-inflicting devices like detached keyboards and Jeff Tanner’s “fake dick.”
RULE SIX: The company retirement plan is for elders* to climb to the top of a mountain**, fling themselves off, and aim for a large rock*** below that will instantly end their lives, à la “Midsommar.”
RULE SEVEN: Promotions are solely based on an employee’s success in driving around and flashing his brights at other cars and then murdering the driver of the first car to flash back at them.
RULE EIGHT: Firing is being shot, termination is being shot after the boss says “Hasta la Vista Baby,” and being laid off is being shot after having sex with the boss.
*Age 47 and up.
** The roof.
*** A dumpster.
Email etiquette is a constant debate, even among seasoned professionals, who disagree on what salutations to use, appropriate signoffs, and generally how formal or informal you should be in an electronic communication. But did you know there are some career-ending emails you send without even realizing it?
As part of its educational series on how to succeed in your career, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals three emails you sent that probably got you fired:
EMAIL ONE, SENT SATURDAY, 4:07 A.M.
FROM: Dirk Lansbury
TO: All faculty and staff at Trenton Elementary School
SUBJECT: EMERGENCY TURD ALERT
Hey motherfuckerzzzzz…… What up? It’s fucking four am and I’m still fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! You all hozzzzzzzz. Fuck it. Fuck it. Whoops, just pooped in the cafeteria. Guess who ur gonna ask to clean that up?
EMAIL TWO, SENT WEDNESDAY, 3:03 A.M.
FROM: Phillip Turner
TO: All current patients
SUBJECT: Open wide
Hitting send to all you dumb fucks. Yeah, I’m drunk. So what? Please open your mouth super wide. Come on, do it. Is it open?
Pffffffff…. That’s my farts.
Phillip Turner MD
Head of Proctology
University Medical Center
EMAIL THREE, SENT MONDAY, 1:45 A.M.
FROM: Jacqueline Mondorf
TO: Brent Tuttles
SUBJECT: I just burned down your house
Hope ur vacation is going good. Everyone back at the office feels like it’s vacation for them too cause ur sorry ass isn’t here to boss them all around. Drinkin all day and smoking dope. Am I breakin the rulzzzz? Sorry.
Also, I just burnt down ur house, motherfucker.
We interview an anonymous billionaire who lets us in on the latest trend: wealthy older men see having an arrogant self-centered daughter who has no regard for money or humanity as the ultimate status symbol. Why? Because only really rich guys seem to have those. Read our fascinating conversation below:
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for sitting down with us today. I know your time is very valuable.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Everything about me is valuable.
INTERVIEWER: Good one.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: So tell me about your daughter.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: My actual daughter or the bitchy one I adopted?
INTERVIEWER: You have an actual daughter too?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: She wasn’t bitchy enough for you?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She’s into charities and wearing second-hand clothes.
INTERVIEWER: She’s kind of a good person then?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh, totally. She’s the best.
INTERVIEWER: Then why did you feel the need to adopt a second daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I know you wouldn’t understand this, because you’re so poor, but in my circle, most of my peers always talk about how their ridiculously selfish daughters spend their money. I had nothing to add to those conversations.
INTERVIEWER: You couldn’t add the fact that your daughter is philanthropic and not motivated by money?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, again, you don’t get it. If you said something like that everyone would immediately think you were a fake rich person because no real rich people have daughters like that.
INTERVIEWER: But you do…
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I did. I kind of don’t acknowledge my first one anymore.
INTERVIEWER: Why not?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Well, it’s not like she cares about money, and that’s kind of what I have to offer, so, what’s the point?
INTERVIEWER: O.K. that sounds pretty fucked up, but let’s just move on and talk about your new daughter.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, she’s great. I mean, she’s terrible. Which is great.
INTERVIEWER: How is she terrible?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She tells me to fuck off a lot and then I get her a gift, like a sports car or a handbag that costs like a hundred thousand dollars or something. Then she says stuff like, “Oh daddy, I love you so much!”
INTERVIEWER: And that’s a good thing?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, because now I can talk to my friends and commiserate with them.
INTERVIEWER: Because their kids also suck?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, and mine is right up there with them.
INTERVIEWER: How did you meet your new daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She was a college roommate of my daughter.
INTERVIEWER: So, she’s friends with your daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Not anymore! I mean, I disowned my original daughter and adopted the new one. It kind of caused a rift between those two.
INTERVIEWER: I’d think so.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: And now there’s a lot of guilt I have to deal with.
INTERVIEWER: For disowning your daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No, for not adopting my new daughter when she was younger. She always lays a guilt trip on me about that.
INTERVIEWER: Was your new daughter an orphan?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She has biological parents who raised her and sent her to college, where she met my daughter. But I’m richer than they are so she chose me.
INTERVIEWER: How do her parents feel about the situation?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I would say they’re confused. That would be the best way to put it. Since their former daughter (now mine) is like twenty-three, she’s not a dependent anymore, so from their perspective it makes no sense.
INTERVIEWER: Are they benefiting financially in any way? For instance are you paying back college loans for… What is your new daughter’s name?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Madison… Wait, did I say she was twenty-three?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, I think so.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Fuck…
INTERVIEWER: What’s wrong?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s twenty-four. She’s fucking twenty-four! She’s gonna be like, Daddy! You don’t know how old I am? How could you?
INTERVIEWER: Are you sure this is all worth it?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONIARE: I’m going to have to have a party for her or buy her something now. And it’s not gonna be cheap, I can tell you that!
INTERVIEWER: So, what’s next for you?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’m probably going to be picking up an irresponsible son to wrap my Aston Martin around a tree.
INTERVIEWER: I need to ask you a very serious question.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Shoot.
INTERVIEWER: Do you know any of your friends who have done this?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Done what?
INTERVIEWER: Adopted a grown woman to be their bitchy, out of control daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Sure. Lots of them.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one. I’m like a pioneer…
INTERVIEWER: Nobody really does this do they?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. I guess not.
INTERVIEWER: Are you safe?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER: Are you afraid of Madison?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s a five-foot-two, twenty-three-year-old girl… I’m six foot three and…
INTERVIEWER: Did you say she was twenty-three again?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh fuck…
INTERVIEWER: Is that Madison, sitting over there?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, that’s her. Hi, pumpkin!
INTERVIEWER: Is, uh, Madison… Is she a real human being?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: You can see her, can’t you?
INTERVIEWER: I see a mannequin… A strange, cobbled together mannequin whose parts don’t really go together.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: (Hisses) Don’t say that. You’re gonna give her an eating disorder or something.
INTERVIEWER: Sorry. I didn’t mean to…
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’ve gotta plan a second twenty-fourth birthday party…. Madison! Let’s go, dear.
MADISON: Did you forget my fucking birthday? Did you EVER forget your first daughter’s birthday? Ever?
With unemployment not being a thing anyone cares about anymore, the Intergalactic Business Report found that employers are desperate to hire and will do almost anything to attract new workers. We scoured newspapers and job listings and share what we found. These excerpts show to what lengths recruiters are willing to go to build their teams.
JOB POSTING: Hiring now! Criminal record? Everyone makes mistakes. We’re willing to listen. Starting salary 125K, 35 hours a week, full benefits. No experience necessary.
JOB POSTING: We will SUCK YOUR DICK. That’s right. If you take this job, or even show up for an interview, we will SUCK YOUR DICK. Full benefits, including us sucking your dick. Bonuses every year independent of performance. Attractive people preferred, but we will take whoever. 80K signing bonus.
JOB POSTING: Looking for your first job? Stop smoking meth in your parents’ basement and come join our team! Free meth and you can work from your parents’ basement, so why not just take our money?
JOB POSTING: Earn a paycheck without working! We will give you 5K a week to not do ANYTHING. That’s right. You do nothing. We pay you. Come on, man. Jesus. Nobody? Really?
JOB POSTING: Slap us with your penis. We don’t care. Seriously. Show up to work, take out your dick and slap us. Just show up. That’s all we ask. We’re an accounting firm. No, you don’t need to know how to do accounting. Nothing matters anymore.
JOB POSTING: Paid internship. Recent college grads encouraged to apply. Learn how to be an executive by being the CEO of our company for one year. 20 million base salary plus random checks for no reason. May work entirely through your Instagram account.
JOB POSTING: Humans welcome to apply but we will take a dog or even inanimate objects with no soul or brain function.
JOB POSTING: Benefits include company car for your mom. We will also get you a mom if you don’t have one. Is that what you want? A mom? I’ll be your mom. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Seriously. Just tell me and I’ll be that.
First impressions matter, and in a job hunt your best foot forward may be your résumé. It’s the embodiment of who you are professionally and gives employers a streamlined view of what you bring to the table.
Some say it’s a superficial document that doesn’t show a candidate’s true potential, but it is still a recruiter’s most valuable tool in weeding out those who just aren’t going to fit. The Intergalactic Business Report worked with* a local recruiter to find out what dissuades her from hiring a prospective employee.
We were surprised to learn from her that there are ten phrases that almost automatically eliminate job seekers from contention. We list them below:
1. “Attention overpaid fucksticks.”
2. “This is ___ from the Intergalactic Business Report.”
3. “I am watching you as I write this.”
4. “Please be aware that I am in control now and you must comply to my every wish and command.”
5. “I’m wondering if the position you posted is still as open as my butthole.”
6. “If so, I’m coming in for an interview at wherever you live at a time of my choosing.”
7. “That time is usually between 3 and 4 am and it involves me breaking in through the window well in your basement.”
8. “My required pay is zero dollars and four human souls.”
9. “I think I just shit myself.”
10. “I think I just shat myself because I’m using grammar.”
*We sent her a résumé and she sent the cops to our office.
If you read the Intergalactic Business Report, you know we have a knack for being around when conversations between famous people take place. When we hear something, we keep eavesdropping and then transcribe the entire conversation. Check out what happened when one of our writers randomly listened in on a discussion between Elon Musk and Corey Macdonald.
After hearing what they said, you may want to reconsider your whole financial portfolio.
COREY: Hey, what up, man?
COREY: Why are you here?
ELON: What do you mean?
COREY: You’re Elon Musk, right?
COREY: Why are you at Home Depot?
ELON: Just getting some stuff.
COREY: Like what?
ELON: Wood and shit.
ELON: I gotta build some shit in my back yard.
COREY: You don’t get guys to do that for you?
ELON: You can do that?
ELON: Get guys to build shit for you?
COREY: You don’t build Teslas by yourself do you?
COREY: You get guys to build that shit for you.
ELON: I do?
COREY: You don’t build em yourself, right?
ELON: Build what?
ELON: What the fuck are you talking about, man?
COREY: You’re Elon Musk, right?
COREY: Then why the fuck did you say you were?
ELON: I said that?
CHECKOUT GUY: Are you going to buy this wood?
ELON: Yeah. This guy’s bothering me.
COREY: Fuck you, Elon Musk.
ELON: Fuck you, Corey Macdonald. I’m buying this fucking store and firing everyone and then hiring new people who never let you in.
COREY: I’ll fucking break in then.
ELON: No you won’t.
COREY: Yeah I will.
ELON: I’ll be fucking waiting for you with a fucking baseball bat then.
COREY: I’ll bring a sword or something and destroy you.
CHECK OUT GUY: Are you gonna buy this?
ELON: You’re fucking fired.
Dogecoin. Bitcoin. Bit-o-Honey. Cryptocurrency is the new rage among people who want money but don’t want it to be the kind where you can understand how it’s actually money. As prices for these new currencies fluctuate, dip, and bend, many of our readers demand to know the rules of this new economic system.
As the business source of record, the Intergalactic Business Report originally planned to issue an in-depth white paper on the subject to educate and advise you on this trend in your approach to buying, selling, and trading. That was hard.
When we delved deeper and deeper we decided, finally, that it was better to just issue our own cryptocurrency and stop worrying so much about how all of this worked, mostly because it’s all kind of made up anyway. Below, we explain our new currency and how it differs from the others.
FACT SHEET: The new IBR crypto dollar.
The only business news in the universe that matters.