Recently, two CEOs discovered their mangy employees recorded zoom calls where workers were told to stop pitying themselves for not receiving bonuses and were praised for selling a family dog to show company loyalty. We assume this was followed by asking their IT guy if he could unrecord the meetings, and was followed by, “Why not? Isn’t that your job?” and, “Well, I don’t understand any of this tech stuff. That’s why I hired you.”
Now these corporate leaders are facing universal, intertweet ridicule, and will probably craft apology videos to counter the negative publicity. While these incidents might serve as a cautionary tale for many CEOs, we were surprised to hear about one captain of industry who doubled down on his harsh message to his team.
Cornelius Danforth, who runs pet food company Whiskaways had this to say during a company-wide Zoom-recorded speech yesterday:
“Yeah, thank you everyone. I want to say thank you… Sincerely. I know you had other things to do today but when I call a meeting like this, I mean, what choice do you have but to show up?”
“That was a joke. You don’t get it? Yeah… Humor. You should get one. Anyway, I just wanted to report to all of you about my bonus. I’m not gonna go out and pretend I didn’t give myself one, cause I did. I gave myself a giant fucking bonus. Can I swear? Can I? I’m asking my fucking IT guy. He’s just staring at me and pantomiming something. Jesus. I guess I can swear. Hold on.”
(LOOKS AT SOME PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM)
“O.K. O.K. I’ve been notified by myself that no one besides me is getting a bonus this year. Sorry. But If you think about it, that’s really your fault. I’m gonna say it. No, shut the fuck up IT man. I’m gonna say it. None of you deserve to be here. None of you deserve to even have a salary. None of you deserve to be talking to me in this one-sided way right now. I’m imparting fucking wisdom and you need to just sit there and soak it in. If you think about it, that’s your bonus. My wisdom. You’re welcome.”
“I need to collect myself. I’m buying a new place in Vail because my wife wants it. She doesn’t even ski. But I’m buying it to make her happy the same way I work here to make all of you happy. It’s been stressing me out, and maybe that’s why I’m a little testy right now. I apologize, but I also am countering this overwhelming burden of leadership by giving myself a mid-Zoom meeting additional bonus. IT guy? I’d like you to work on a sound effect that goes, Cha-Ching whenever I talk about money I’m getting. Do it. O.K. Anyway, I wanted to call you all together to remind you to start doing more. Don’t think about this company as just a job. Look at it as your life, the way you might if you were in a horror movie where you wake up somewhere and can’t figure out why and all you know is you were probably drugged and now you’re part of a sick game where you have to fight other miscreants in order to escape, which you never do because in horror movies today everyone gets killed, except the deranged psychopath who’s kind of like the hero of the film for whatever reason. I want you to think about that hero as me.”
(LOOKS ON HIS PIECE OF PAPER FOR AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG TIME)
“I’m almost done. Uh… Anyone want to sleep with me? Just throwing that out there. You get ten minutes to ask me questions and stuff and then you have to have sex with me. No bonus involved. Just the questions and sex. Oh, and… What did I write here? Can’t read my own hand-writing! Ha. Oh… Yeah. Hot chicks only. Not into dudes. Sorry IT guy. I know you would have been the first motherfucker to sign up.”
(HOLDS UP A SIGN THAT SAYS, “YOU’RE FIRED.”)
Last message. That one goes to all of you. But I need to explain first. Technically, you’re all still employed, but I want you to work like you’re fired and you’re trying to earn your job back. Like homeless people with squeegees during rush hour. That’s you now. Also, you work for tips now. I’m sending out a memo to that effect. And I don’t want to hear a bunch of crap about how tip money isn’t going to cover your basic expenses. If you don’t like it, be better. Give better service. Get better tips. Maybe have sex with me. I don’t know. That’s all on you. But hot chicks only. Also, I’m carrying around a wad of fives so I’ll hand those out when I see one of you doing something productive. Having said that, I don’t expect to be using that wad of cash anytime soon. That’s about it. O.K. Get back to work and I’m going to say that with air quotes. Peace.”
You’re at work and you need to communicate with someone, but you know if you open your mouth it’s going to sound hateful. Instead of just sitting there drooling like a specially-abled citizen, you review inclusive language lists that tell you what to say instead of the sexist/racist/homophobic evil that was about to emanate from your nasty, colonialist mouth.
In an effort to help you save your job, the Intergalactic Business Report found some diversity equity inclusion guidelines for inclusive language. But, in a stunning development, we also found that the inclusive language being proffered is actually horrifying in its own racist/sexist/ageist/ ableist/ homophobic way. Are diversity equity and inclusion people actually subversive Nazi sympathizers? You decide.
#1. Instead of “ladies and gentlemen,” say, “everyone or folks.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
By saying every “one” you are celebrating the Western, white supremacist concept of the individual over the group.
“Folks” is what racist people in the South say, learned originally from their slave owner ancestors. Also, “folks” was a term favored by the Nazis to describe the master, Aryan race. For example, “Ein Volk, Ein Land, Ein Fuhrer.”
#2. Instead of “insane” say “hard to believe” or “not acceptable”?
WHY IT’S WRONG:
So, you’re saying that people with mental illness are not acceptable and shouldn’t be believed?
#3. Instead of saying “Mom and Dad,” say “Parent or Guardian.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
“Parent” obviously describes an unequal paternal relationship with a supplicant, subservient underling (slavery much?). And “Guardian” implies a person who must “guard” or watch over a helpless being who is unable to make their own decisions—like a baby or child. So patronizing.
Further, losing the terms “mom” or “dad” make it more difficult to understand it when someone says, “Parent? Parent? Do you even care that my dream is to be a DJ? Guardian? Are you drunk again? Don’t worry, I’ll keep my voice down. I don’t want the everyone in the neighborsphere to find out we’re not the pefect fucking home grouping!”
#4. Instead of “opposite sex” say “different sex.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
Why call out another sex as being “different” or “other”?
#5. Instead of saying “Black list” say, “blocked list.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
Wait till black people find out what “blocked list” used to be called and who changed it. Conspiracy much? Eenie meenie miney moe much?
#6. Instead of “blind spot” say, “problem area.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
So blind people are a “problem” now?
#7. Instead of saying “OCD” say, “precise, particular.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
So, we’re saying OCD people don’t need mental health help because they’re just precise people? Why don’t we just say people who can’t walk are just those really slow people who slither around on the ground to get places because they don’t need wheelchairs?
#8. Instead of saying “man hours” say, “work hours.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
So only men work? Seriously?
#9. Instead of “maternity” leave, call it “gestational leave.”
WHY IT’S WRONG:
Gestate? Like a pachyderm? So now you’re calling women elephants? Body shame much?
Legendary Business Icon Hody Granger gives you three minutes of his time. Will you blow it?
I’m Hody Granger. My connections at the Intergalactic Business Report recommended you and begged me to please, please, just give you five minutes of my time. I told them I’d give you three. So, what do you have to say? The clock is ticking.
Before you even start, let me guess. You want some advice on how to be rich. Or… you want me to invest in your business. Or—and this is the one that always makes me laugh—you want to offer me sexual favors in return for money. To that last one, I just have to ask, do you really want to spend your three minutes with me negotiating a blow job? Is that a good use of your opportunity? But, as they used to say, “It’s your dime. Shoot.”
Two minutes left. I would suggest that with such little time on the clock you may want to open your mouth and say something. Oh, you’re saying you want to open your mouth but not because you want to say something. Ha ha. I get it. Very funny. You’re back to the blowjob thing. Yes, you’ve appealed to my sense of humor but you’re still wasting your time. Unless we’re talking about a discount rate, and you can prove you’re not a cop.
Are you a cop? Are you a fucking cop? Is that what this is all about? Are you offering sex for money and then a bunch of your friends are going to pop out and arrest me? Is that what you wanted to do? Did you think you could fool me again?
One minute remaining in your plot to dethrone me. I will only answer questions about business. Not dick sucking. Not anything having to do with sex for money. O.K.? Are you going to say something? Are you? Why are you just sitting there?
All right. Seventy bucks. That’s my final offer. Eighty-five if you sign this NDA. So… What do you say? The guys told me you were cool. Are you cool? Jesus. Are you a fucking cop?
Time’s up. I’m out of here. I’m at the Mandarin Oriental. Under the name Rick Franchione. Stop by later.
Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Before we move on to a totally new and original new year, the editors at the Intergalactic Business Report want to give you an article full of recycled articles about all the stuff we did last year. 2022 was an astounding time for our publication as we finally began to… Well, just read the recap.
We began 2022 with a sustained invective against “Dry January,” and announced our own countermeasure called, “Wet as Fuck February.” By February, one company had signed up. That was pretty much it for the movement, but stay tuned about a month from now when we probably try to dredge it up again.
We dipped into travel and cultural awareness when we shared readers’ travel stories, like taking a dump on the floor of a Spanish bus. So funny. We also went down a Reditt hole and attacked foreigners for attacking us. Not as funny. Almost a little uncomfortable when we got really really mad at them for criticizing the American education system that produced a lot of the great writers you read here.
Entertainment news focused on the usual back-handed attacks on Ryan Reynolds and shit about the Bachelor. We discovered a wolfman who was threatening the cast of Southern Charm and created some new Real Housewives taglines. We also pitched new country-specific Squid Games series and horror movies based on famous stuff whose copyrights had run out. Oh, and Chris Pratt may kill you.
As always, we gave you great business advice, like avoiding emails to employees in which you offer to trade sex for drugs. Business icon Hody Granger told you how to beat inflation by offering to suck dicks at gas stations and former waiter Trence Forway explained how to get rich and wear a cool hat.
We reached peak public service when we announced our new program to match dudes who said they would have sex with themselves if they could, with dudes who looked like them. Also, Cedric Bigglestone took Steve Harvey’s advice and well… We taught you how to live out of your pick-up truck, and how to make your life a Hallmark movie. And don’t forget how fitness expert Jonny Ripkin showed you how to get ripped by six a.m. tomorrow.
There was much more, including a Lethal Weapon guide to picking up women in grocery stores and what Craig Robinson’s nuts taste like, but we’ll let you explore our site at www.intergalacticbiz.com.
Another year and I’m done writing now.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor
An Inc Magazine article sends Cedric Bigglestone on an investigative journey. By Cedric Bigglestone.
When a mysterious article shows up in Inc Magazine, exposé writer Cedric Bigglestone is drawn into a world of madness, treachery, and deceit. Will he, and you, ever be the same?
PART ONE: I see the article.
If you know me, you know I read articles. Today is no different. I see a delightful piece on how Carebears from the 1980’s had symbols on their stomachs that represented their personalities. That’s like me, I think. I sift through my feed, mark a few things for my “reading list” and then stop dead in my tracks when I come across an Inc Magazine article titled: “Five brutal truths about leading other people no one is willing to admit.” What. The. Fuck. Inc is claiming that it’s compiled a list of things people won’t admit? How’s that possible? I must read on.
PART TWO: I read the article, but something’s wrong.
As I read through the article, it jumps almost straightaway to listing five “truths” about leadership. Things like “giving your employees purposeful work” and “reducing loneliness in the workplace.” My first question: If no one is willing to admit these things, then how did you get the story? I look to the word “willing.” Hmmmm, I think, a buzzing “hmmm” sound going through my head. Willing. No one would give up this information willingly. Did this motherfucker torture people for this information?
PART THREE: I dive deeper into madness.
If you write an article about something no one is “willing to admit” then it should end after the headline (because you have nothing) or you have to coerce the answers from “unwilling” subjects. I won't mention the author’s name for fear of ending up in a basement somewhere and being asked to tell my secret views about leadership, but I do find that one of his “tips” at the end of the article is to give employees freedom. “Love them by giving them their freedom,” he writes. He continues: “Autonomy, or the ability to control what you do, when you do it, and with whom, is one of the fundamental elements of what intrinsically motivates human beings, which leads to better performance.” He should have added, “especially when they’re chained to a chair in your basement and being asked about shit they won’t admit.”
PART FOUR: I consider maybe I’m misreading this.
Two CEO’s (or something like that) are interviewed in the article. Were they beaten into confessions? Is this why the truths are “brutal”? How is Inc Magazine getting away with this, I wonder. Unless…. That’s when it hits me. None of it is true. The author tells us this right from the start. He says he’s going to name five things no one will admit. He and the people he cites are admitting stuff. This means that whatever they’re saying is a lie and we should know that. And if that’s what this article is really trying to say (that everything in it is a lie because if it weren’t it wouldn’t be publishable because no one would admit it) then everything in it is really the opposite of the truth, which, of course, reveals the truth itself….
PART FIVE: I conclude the dude who wrote this is a genius.
Marcel Schwantes (whose last name I say kind of like “schwiiiing” in Wayne’s World) is a genius. This is clear. He couldn’t tell us the things no one (including himself) would admit. That would be impossible. But he could give us the opposite so that someone (like me?) would discover the truth. I reread the article noting my new knowledge and understanding.
PART SIX: I reread the article noting my new knowledge and understanding.
Want to know the real “5 brutal truths no one is willing to admit”? I’m going to tell you now by going through the fake truths and then revealing what I believe the opposites are:
FAKE TRUTH: “Putting your employees ahead of customers.”
REAL TRUTH: “Not putting your customers behind employees.”
MEANING: I’ll be honest here. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do the opposite of the general idea or the opposite of every part of the phrase. Because this makes no fucking sense.
FAKE TRUTH: “Giving your employees purposeful work.”
REAL TRUTH: “Not giving your customers non-purposeful leisure time.”
MEANING: O.K. I tried it again and it works a lot better for this one. Don’t give customers free time that doesn’t have a purpose. Makes sense.
FAKE TRUTH: “Reducing loneliness in the workplace.”
REAL TRUTH: “Increasing human interaction at home.”
MEANING: Radical, and maybe intrusive. But it’s something no one would admit.
FAKE TRUTH: “Bringing more humanity to the workforce.”
REAL TRUTH: “Leaving behind less animal behavior away from unemployed people.”
MEANING: This could mean not having pets or something. I'm still working on it.
FAKE TRUTH: “Loving your employees.”
REAL TRUTH: “Hating my boss.”
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Study: America’s least productive people are becoming even less productive. What it means for America.
Blame it on COVID. Blame it on technology. Blame it on the rain. America’s economy, once based on hard work and enterprise, has turned towards figuring out what you can stick up your butt while you forget it’s a weekday and you’re supposed to be at work but who cares.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s new study on worker productivity delivers some key, never-before-seen takeaways on employee behaviors:
Key findings from the IBR study on worker productivity.
1. Peter Henning has missed so much work that he has what doctors are calling “self-targeted dementia” in which someone forgets what he does for a living by simply never doing anything for a living.
2. Randy Sevenier called in sick for six weeks straight. Most people don’t remember what his face looks like. This gives him almost total anonymity outside of the office and he never has to worry about running into “somebody from work” when he’s out, just fucking around somewhere.
3. Sarah Tarkanian just sits there. Doing nothing. All day. And yet the world hasn’t ended.
4. Ellis Dewstrap used to take steamy dumps that missed most of the toilet. Now he barely shows up for work and when he does, he tends to just piss on the floor.
5. Rhoda Day was the woman who cleaned the men’s bathrooms after hours. She just cleans up pee instead of poop on the floor now. That seems like a good thing.
6. Phil Ratuliak, who claims he works 60 hours a week but is actually hiding in his office watching videos on how to suck his own dick has now learned how to suck his own dick, proving that spending sixty hours a week watching a video on how to suck your own dick can lead to actually learning how to suck your own dick, which is good, right?
7. Eustacius Briggs died in 1883. His productivity is zero.
8. Marvin DeRobbins feels his nutsack every thirty minutes and does it for maybe 30 seconds. That means in a year he probably handles his nuts for around 520 minutes. That’s like 8 ½ hours. What the fuck?
9. Trish Newhouse, who goes to lunch every day at eleven o’clock and returns just before the office closes has been kidnapped. Probably. Nope, there she is. It’s 5 o’clock.
10. Derrek Fogarty filed a worker’s comp claim because he masturbated too hard at his desk and broke his dick or something. Now he can only beat off with a special glove. His productivity level for jacking off is unheard of. His productivity level for work is also unheard of, because no one has ever heard of him doing anything but tugging his rope all day.
11. Turns out Derrek Fogarty is not even an employee. There was a whole, “I thought you hired him. I didn’t hire him” thing going on.
12. This article was due to editors in July of 2021.
Everyone is in sales. That’s what people who say “everyone is in sales” say. This revelation has led the Intergalactic Business Report to issue never-before-seen guidance on how to counter common sales objections that would usually leave you defeated and weak.
Instead of cowering to negative responses, program these scripted retorts into your brain and get a “yes” every time.
CUSTOMER: I’m sorry. Do I know you?
YOU: Does anyone really know anyone?
CUSTOMER: Can you please get away from my car?
YOU: It’s a free country. And your car is in it.
CUSTOMER: I’m going to call the cops.
YOU: Call me instead. I can be here in zero seconds.
CUSTOMER: Are you mentally ill?
YOU: In 1980’s rap terminology, yes. Also in present-day American Psychological Association terminology.
CUSTOMER: Are you drunk?
YOU: Only if I have my penis out. Yup. I’m drunk.
CUSTOMER: If you touch me I will kick your ass.
YOU: If you kick me I will touch your ass.
CUSTOMER: What did you do to my car?
YOU: Just drew a picture of a penis on it. It’s called customization.
CUSTOMER: You smell like shit.
YOU: That says more about the shit than about me.
CUSTOMER: Did you just take a dump on the hood of my car?
CUSTOMER: Put your hands behind your head and get on your knees.
YOU: That would make it almost impossible for me to masturbate.
Drop shipping? Freelance affiliate marketing? Forget all that and learn the real way to create wealth fast with no education, money, or effort. Instant multi-millionaire Trence Forway tells you how.
Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty chicks at Olive Garden. Read how he does it below:
WHO AM I AND WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
Hey, I’m Trence Forway, and I’m just a regular guy who figured out a way to make literally millions of dollars overnight, and, believe me, if I can do it, you can too. So, if I know how to make so much money, why would I share it with you? That’s the ultimate question, and I’ll give you the ultimate answer: Because I can’t make any more money so I may as well just write a column giving away all my secrets because by doing so, there is almost a one hundred percent chance that some hot skanky women will read this and be like, “Oh, you’re the guy who drives a lambo and makes all that money?”
WAIT. YOU DRIVE A LAMBO?
Yes. And I also wear a hat.
THAT’S SO COOL. SO, DID YOU SAY YOU CAN’T MAKE ANY MORE MONEY? HUH?
I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the system I created (and which you can have for free) made me so much money, so fast, that I can’t make any more than I already do. That’s right. I have so much money that I go to the bank and they’re just like, “Sorry. We’re out.” When I ask if I can come back later, they say, “You don’t understand. You have all the money in the world.”
HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD?
Ask the bank, I guess.
O.K. I’M SOLD. I WANT TO LEARN, FOR FREE, ABOUT YOUR SECRET TO MAKING SO MUCH MONEY.
You’re not going to believe how simple it is. In fact, when I do tell you what it is, you’re going to be surprised, if not entirely blown away, by how this has been looking you in your face your whole life and you didn’t even notice it.
GREAT. SO WHAT’S THE SECRET?
I used to be a waiter. Seriously. I was a dude who brought food out to people and said stuff like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” That was me. But now, I drive a lambo and I have all kinds of women who want to not only talk to me, but in many cases want to have sex with me afterwards! Can you believe that turnaround? At one point, in my waiter days, hot chicks would come in and I’d be like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” And all they’d say back to me was, “Great. I want a Tito’s and soda with two limes.”
I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NOT TELLING ME THE SECRET AND INSTEAD YOU’RE JUST KIND OF TALKING ABOUT HOW RICH YOU ARE AND DESCRIBING SOME AWKWARD ENCOUNTERS YOU HAD WITH WOMEN.
Fair enough. But before I tell you how my system works, I want to explain it with an analogy, so that it makes sense to you. If you pull up to an Olive Garden in a Kia it makes a totally different impression to the hostess than if you drive up in a lambo, like I do. Even if she doesn’t see you drive up in it, she can feel it when you enter because you just look like you drive a lambo. Also, I have a hat, so that kind of completes the look.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY SHARE ANYTHING WITH ME, ARE YOU?
It depends on whether or not you’re a hot chick who maybe is a little (or a lot) skanky.
I’M NOT. SHOULD I JUST STOP READING NOW?
Yes. Please do that.
I AM A SKANK. AND PRETTY HOT.
Are you impressed by my lambo? And my hat?
THE HAT KIND OF SUCKS. BUT I’M INTO THE CAR.
It’s not “a car.” It’s a fucking lambo.
WHATEVER. I’LL STILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
Cool. You wanna go to the Olive Garden first?
SURE. I WORK THERE AS A HOSTESS, SO I’LL JUST SEE YOU WHEN MY SHIFT IS OVER AT 9.
I want to eat though. I don’t want to just show up and leave. Can you get me free food?
NO. BUT THERE IS A DEAL WHERE YOU GET UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND SOUP.
NO. YOU HAVE TO PAY. I THOUGHT YOU HAD UNLIMITED MONEY.
I do. But it’s tied up in a lot of shit. I’m kind of living in the lambo right now.
Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty girls at bars. There’s not much else to say. If you have questions or comments for him, send us a note at email@example.com.
New IBR service matches dudes who say they would have sex with themselves with dudes who look like them.
In what can only be described as the biggest breakthrough in dating services in the past decade, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced a new program that matches men who say they would have sex with themselves if they could with men who look like them.
How it works.
Test study Randy Branigan was the first to be approached by IBR when he announced at Ruben’s Bar and Grill that he would “definitely fuck himself” if he could duplicate his body or meet his double. This gave Intergalactic Business Report editors the idea to match Randy with his dream man, by finding another five-foot-nine twenty-something bro with a baseball cap. This took seven seconds.
Some bumps in the road.
Believing we would be thanked for finding Randy’s perfect match, we were instead threatened when we introduced him to Brent, who also threatened us. There was a lot of initial feedback received at this point. Mostly stuff about not being “gay” followed by some more stuff about how being gay was “cool” and then some descriptions of gay friendships they had where their friend was gay but they weren’t gay together.
We’re pretty sure Brent and Randy ended up fucking each other after talking about gay sex for so long. So, our new program is a success. Do you want to have sex with yourself if yourself was an actual person you could meet tonight? Maybe Go Fuck Yourself is for you. We’ve been putting together people with “themselves” since yesterday and you could be next. Somebody just said something about how we can’t say to get in touch with us because that would be like advertising for prostitution or something, like he’s a fucking lawyer or something. We’re done writing now. Goodbye.
Steve Harvey gives some pretty good f-ing advice. Now I’m living by it. By Cedric Bigglestone.
Columnist Cedric Bigglestone doesn’t just watch motivational self-help internet clips of Steve Harvey—he lives them. Read his story below.
I’m not sure if Steve Harvey has a t.v. show or if he just appears to me whenever I turn on the internet and tells me stuff no one else is supposed to hear. And I’m not sure it matters. Because of him, I’ve garnered knowledge and insights that have totally changed the way I live and look at my life. I can’t go through all the wisdom in one column, so I’m just going to start with some life-altering advice Steve gave me about a month ago when he appeared to me on my phone.
In this vision, Steve talked to me about buying a first-class ticket on an airline. He said that I should buy this because once I did, and experienced the luxury of it, it would train my mind to figure out ways to get back into first class. Wow. But that wasn’t all. He added that I should also buy myself a super expensive suit to just see how it felt on me. This too, he promised, would help train my mind to want really nice things. I did what he said and my life will never be the same. Here’s how it went:
PHASE ONE: I try to buy the first-class ticket.
This part was easy. It didn’t matter where the flight went, because that wasn’t the fucking point, right? So I just kind of looked at a map and tried to choose a place that looked cool, fun, and like where Steve Harvey would go if he were a real person and not an apparition or whatever he is. I didn’t realize how many god damn places there were to travel. It’s more than you’d think. Why the fuck would they make so many places on a map? Fuck.
PHASE TWO: This shit is hard.
PHASE THREE: I just pick a city.
But that’s hard too. Where the fuck do I want to fly? And Once I get there, what the fuck do I do? I guess masturbate in the bathroom till my return flight? I choose Phoenix. Done. The ticket costs around $2,500. I don’t have anywhere near that in my bank account, but I can max out a credit card and maybe see if anyone at the airport wants to see my dick for money so I can pay it off.
PHASE FOUR: I buy a $6,000 suit.
I really really don’t have the money for this, but Steve Harvey said do it, and I do what he commands. All my credit cards are at their limit and so far nobody will pay to see my dick, so I need to come up with another way to buy an expensive suit so I can begin training my mind for success. I am told the mafia is a good backup if you can’t get credit anywhere, and that their rates are something like you borrow money and then you pay back whatever it is times two the next week, once you win at gambling or something. Seems like a good deal, so I start asking around if anyone knows anyone in the mafia who will lend me money. Surprisingly, nobody helps me. Makes me think no wonder the mafia isn’t doing very well. They don’t even want business from sophisticated businessmen like me (see, Steve? I’m already training myself to be successful).
My only option is to float a check to a stupid friend of mine who gives me the money after saying stuff like, “Are you sure you can cover this? You don’t even have a job.” But, like I said, he’s stupid, and my strategy is that when the check bounces I’m going to play it off as a prank, so it’s not illegal. You just got punked! It’ll work, right? Steve, are you there?
PHASE FIVE: I wear my suit and fly to Phoenix.
Not really. I don’t even make it through TSA because I ask one of them if they’d pay money to see my dick and also because I’m carrying a samurai sword and some other shit because in my vision of success, people who have the finer things in life have swords and poison darts they carry through airports on their way to first class, and the TSA guy is just like, oh, nice suit, please proceed to your flight, sir!
PHASE SIX: My mind is working to get me back in first class.
Just as my spirit guide Steve Harvey promised, I am totally freaking out and using my mind to get me first-class tickets and Armani suits. I’m going to see if I can get a sports car using this method next. I’m also starting to finally figure out that maybe what Steve Harvey was really saying was that if I can rid myself of all my material belongings, like money, then, in my mind, I can be super wealthy and fly first class in a tailor-made suit. Fuck. Is that what he meant? I think I just reached level two. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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