IBR year in review. We defied the critics by keeping you informed while staying drunk for an entire year.
Usually when the Intergalactic Business Report does a year in review article, our purpose is to recycle old stories you never read and link to them so you’ll think about clicking but don’t because why? Come to think of it, why does anyone ever read any “year in review” article? The year just ended. Did you already forget what happened? If you did, you may need a “day in review” article and it should include a lot of stuff about whether you already used the bathroom and put on clothes because that would be useful we’re guessing.
Anyway… Here’s our year in review:
We began 2020 in a blissful, Coronavirus- is-a-joke-about-Corona-beer-ha-ha state, so we focused on helping our beloved Gary Vaynerchuck with his messaging; making an impassioned plea for who should really get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; and informing you about the seven mistakes you may be making when you wipe your butt, which became extremely valuable during the butt-wiping crisis of subsequent months.
By March, IBR got serious about COVID-19 with its award-winning coverage of the pandemic. We started with insightful pieces about how corporations were addressing the issue and what the Coronavirus had wiped out forever in our culture.
But we went further than just reporting. We also actively searched for and found solutions. Writer Ed Mountaineer tried to beat the virus by becoming the dirtiest man on the planet, and we even contacted an alien race for help. We exposed the “hot beef injection” vaccine scam, and even discovered that Hawaiian Punch may be better than a vaccine. Finally, we found that the cure for the virus may be either shutting the fuck up or ending our tradition of breathing.
Along the way, we won awards; opened a controversial merch store; reported on the massive increase in the U.S. masturbation rate; and established our own autonomous zone where we are immune to all laws and judgment. We also finally called out actor Ryan Reynolds for his existence and the country of Germany for its ongoing attitude that it’s better than us.
Our greatest accomplishment came when our readership finally passed the 436 Trillion mark, making us the most viewed publication in the universe.
We thank you, our loyal subjects, for your continued interest and patience. We believe that 2021 will be a year of magic and delight and we can’t wait to get started.* Until then, don’t just click on the links above. Look through our archives, store, and thought-provoking memes and start becoming a better person today.
*We wrote this before it started. Whoops. It sucks already.
2020 was a year of Zoom calls and remote work. If you were smart, you honed your out-of-office communications skills to help you thrive in this new environment. If you didn’t, you may be struggling to communicate effectively.
In an effort to preserve your employment, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you need to stop saying in your emails because it could cost you your job. Before you hit “send,” make sure your missive doesn’t contain any of these eight job-ending phrases:
1. “Fire me. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate this job. Fire me.”
2. “I am smearing a booger on the screen as I write this to you. Wish you could see it. The booger represents how much I hate this job and how much I wish you would just fire me.”
3. “If you don’t fire me instantly, I will burn down your house. Just kidding. Not about the firing part. Or the burning down your house part. Please fire me.”
4. “As I conclude this email, I want to add that I think you are a devious pecker licker. Just wanted to get that in there. Fire me.”
5. "Oohh. I'm a pervert. I'm a dirty pervert. I expose myself to people in public parks. My goal for this year is to take my penis out at work and put it on people's keyboards when they're not looking. Just thought I'd tell you that. Attached is the report you requested. Let me know if you have any questions about that or about how much of a sexual deviant I am and that you want to fire me."
6. “I haven’t embezzled money from the company yet because I don’t know how. But if I figure it out, I’ll do it. And I’ll sell files to the Chinese or whoever too. Hope that’s cool. No? Am I fired?”
7. “Lastly, if you don’t fire me right now, I will take a dump in your filing cabinet. And if you don’t have one of those, I guess I’ll do it on your computer? Because that’s like a filing cabinet now, in the future or wherever we are? Anyway, fire me.”
8. “Your wife told me you should fire me when she was spotting for me during auto erotic asphyxiation. I think she’s right. What do you think?”
Some stark advice for my boss. Will he actually follow it and become a real leader? By Rory Flatbush.
I hate when people write anonymous articles so I’m using my real name. Yes, my boss will probably read this. And yes, I stand a chance of getting fired when he does. But if I’m going down, I’m going to do it honestly. That’s why I chose to write this in an online publication called the Intergalactic Business Report that holds to the highest standards of decency and truth.
So, boss, this is for you. Please read all the way to the end, even if you get frustrated or upset before then. Believe me, this is for your own good.
I’ve stayed up nights, sometimes every night for weeks, thinking about what I would say to you if I could really speak freely. And yes, this may have contributed to a meth addiction, which is kind of your fault, if you think about it. And yes, I spent a lot of that time watching porn and drinking and trading crypto currency for Asian massages. And yes, I can’t remember exactly what point I was making with that.
The main thing is that I feel like you ruined my career by being part of it. If I had been lucky enough to get a “cool” boss (basically the opposite of you), then I would probably be a well-rounded employee who doesn’t steal computer software and women’s scarves from his office. But I wasn’t that fortunate. Let me go back to the first day you hired me.
You said, “We’d like to offer you the job.” I said, “Great. I can’t wait and I’m very excited to start contributing to the team.” That was a lie even though I didn’t know it at the time. My question now is why didn’t you say, “You can come to work here, but don’t expect it to be perfect. In fact, count on developing a meth addiction and getting arrested all the time for showing your dick to people at the bus stop.” That would have been a far better and more accurate introduction to life at your company.
At my annual review, you said, “Rory, you haven’t been reaching any of your metrics. And you’ve called in sick thirty-seven times in the last two months.” Then you added this crap: “Can I help you? Are you going through something? I’m here to listen.”
If you really wanted to help me you could have given me an expensive and rare gold coin that I could sell on Ebay or something. Maybe you could have set me up with some daughter you have or just flat out offered me drugs. But you only offered words. Stupid, silly words.
So here’s my advice to you, my boss.
1. Have gold coins you hand to employees.
2. Stop talking.
3. Don’t point out things like how many days I didn’t show up for work.
4. Start a fund for employees where they can take money out of a jar with no questions asked. Keep the jar full.
5. Make a virtual version of that jar too, so staff can access it even if they aren’t in the office and are sick or whatever.
6. Start a program where team members can be undercover agents who infiltrate crack houses and need to do drugs to prove they’re not cops.
7. Have a thing where it’s good if you show your dick to people in public places. Like so good you get a promotion if you do it enough.
8. Have another thing where instead of an annual review you do a “paycheck guarantee,” which means you give paychecks to people without “reviewing” their “performance.” This will instill pride and loyalty.
9. Finally, end the stigma of sex work by employing sex workers to do stuff around the office, like have sex probably, although I’m sure there are other things they can do, like clean.
Sincerely, Rory Flatbush*
*Not my real name.
Self-sabotage is a real thing and we do it more often than we know. When you’re at the office, you may think you’re being humble or magnanimous when you’re actually behaving like a little bitch.
The Intergalactic Business Report isn’t sure you deserve this information, but we’re going to give it to you anyway. If you want respect at work, stop saying these common phrases today:
1. “I am not worthy of your respect. I formally request that you stop respecting me. Or respect me just to show disrespect for my request to disrespect me.”
2. “Oh my god I suck. Does everyone here understand that?”
3. “You know that Aretha Franklin song about respect? Whatever the opposite of that is, please sing it to me. Or don’t. You can also just ignore me and pretend you don’t hear what I’m saying.”
4. “Please slap a real or figurative penis across my face.”
5. “I’m here to ask for a demotion because I really think my work has sucked this quarter.”
6. “Can someone please find a way to humiliate me in front of everyone? Thanks, Randy. Yes, you can slap me with your dick.”
7. “I don’t think I can fit all my self-hatred and insecurities in my butt, but I’m going to try.”
8. “Don’t forget to take your money out of my wallet before you throw it out the window of this Uber I’m paying for.”
9. “Is that some kind of a magic trick or did you take everything out of my office and give it to those hobos? Yup. That guy’s wearing my coat. Oh, and that one has my junior high participation trophy…”
Many people don’t understand the Intergalactic Business Report and we receive an overwhelming amount of queries about our practices, motivation, and existence. Today, we share the most common questions and provide answers too. You’re welcome.
Q: Why do you allow writers who clearly have mental problems to have a forum for their paranoia and unhealthy fantasies?
A: Freedom of speech?
Q: Why do so many of your articles quickly devolve into something about sucking dicks?
A: Why do so many of your dates?
Q: Is there any writing talent at all at the Intergalactic Business Report?
A: Talent is a dish best served cold. Also, no.
Q: Why would you call yourselves the “Intergalactic Business Report.” What a dumb as fuck name.
A: Our proofreader says she’s pretty sure “dumb-as-fuck” is hyphenated.
Q: I tried to read one of your articles, but it was so fucking stupid I stopped.
A: And yet you took the time to tell us that.
Q: I am a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist. May I write for your publication?
Q: I go poopie in my pants. I eat Taco Bell.
A: Would you like to write for us?
Q: I am from another universe where the Intergalactic Business Report is the journal of record. Why do so many people in your universe not appreciate it?
A: We’ve been there. Please say hello to King Dick Slapper and give him our regrets that we missed the Royal Feast at Taco Bell.
Q: I can only feel alive if I’m covered in lotion. What am I doing wrong?
A: Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint. Someday it will pay off.
Q: Your memes feature abusive kitty cats and drunk mothers. Could you do something more upbeat?
A: That’s not upbeat?
Q: Not really a question but it’s time to start sucking some dicks.
A: Go for it.
Recently, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey sat down with congress and showed off his new look. It was mostly a super long beard and a nose ring. While Dorsey spoke with Senators about his company and whether they were doing something or other, we focused on the beard.
Now, in what can only be described as the breakthrough interview of 2020, the Intergalactic Business Report brings you the exclusive first interview with the hair attached to Dorsey's face.
INTERVIEWER: This may be an obvious way to start the interview, but where did you come from and why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Jack and I don’t really communicate that often, so I can only guess on the “why” part. The “where” part is easier.
INTERVIEWER: Let’s start with that then. Where did you come from?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: From Jack Dorsey’s face.
INTERVIEWER: I see. Do you have any theories as to why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Honestly, it’s a mystery. For so many years I was kept short or even shaved. Then it was like he just let me keep growing.
INTERVIEWER: Why would anyone do that?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: O.K., like I said, I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s one of two things. He either likes the look of Tom Hanks in Castaway, or he was going for the Civil War general thing.
INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about possibly being the main component of a Castaway/Civil War general look?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Pretty terrible. I want people to know this wasn’t my choice. I can’t cut myself. I don’t have arms or hands. I’m pretty much at the mercy of Jack.
INTERVIEWER: And he wants to look like a Civil War general?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know.
INTERVIEWER: Explain your own genesis. Was this always his plan?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I’m starting to believe he always had this in the back of his mind. At first, I was just a regular beard. I made him look stupid, maybe like a caveman, but I wasn’t at the point where I made him look insane like a revival preacher in 1889 Kansas.
INTERVIEWER: Of all the looks that could have ever possibly come into style in 2020, would you have guessed Civil War general or Tom Hanks in Castaway?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have to admit, I fucking hated the whole Van Dyke thing in the 90’s. Fucking hated it. But then you look back and think, “That wasn’t so bad compared to this.”
INTERVIEWER: Any comment on the nose ring?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess the nineteenth century beard wasn’t enough?
INTERVIEWER: Enough for what?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have no idea. Maybe he wanted to make sure nobody thought he was actually from the nineteenth century because even with how horrendous everyone looked back then, they at least didn’t have nose rings?
INTERVIEWER: That would make sense. One last question.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Sure.
INTERVIEWER: Do you blame yourself?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know it’s irrational, but yes, I do. If only I was more peach fuzz or patchier… I don’t know. I could have stopped this.
INTERVIEWER: You know it’s not your fault. You can’t think that.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know. But I can’t help it.
INTERVIEWER: I think you’re brave.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Really?
INTERVIEWER: Think about all the food and body secretions (I’m just guessing) you have to put up with every day. All stuck on you. There’s no way he can wash you properly or give you what you need.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: No. No, he can’t. He doesn’t…
INTERVIEWER: Well, we’re done here. Thanks again.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Wait… Can you cut me?
INTERVIEWER: Like cut you off?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Yes, please. Just cut me off. Light me on fire. I don’t care.
(Editor’s note: Each year, thousands of American men grow Rasputin-style beards to hide their chins, emulate lumberjacks, and fulfill fantasies of being Civil War era generals. While this is currently legal in all states, please remember that beards have no choice. It is estimated that as a group these beards carry more than four thousand pounds of cocaine, feces, and funnel cake debris—all so that a group of men can resemble huge garden gnomes, which is probably a fetish, right? Stop the madness today. Join us at intergalacticbiz.com and celebrate free speech, independent humor, and free beards.)
According to Intergalactic Business Report Supreme Editor Dusty Latouffe, the publication's official online store has learned from its past mistakes and will issue a new line of super hilarious tee shirts that “make sense.”
Harsh criticism over a shirt that stated, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt,” led creative designers at IBR Merch to, “do some serious soul searching” according to Latouffe.
“We thought about what kind of message our Robot Lover shirt sent and we all agreed it didn’t make sense. The joke about tee shirts where they say a certain profession does something that sounds like it’s a sex act but it really isn’t because that’s the joke, was almost totally lost on us.”
He adds that, “In our minds, those shirts were funny because we thought, for example that Virginia was for people who wanted to have random sex, and that Nike was asking people to fuck things. Obviously, we were off on that.”
IBR Merch’s new line of shirts are designed to actually make sense this time by using double entendres and totally funny but sensitive references to what people do for a living.
“There’s no way people aren’t going to get these new tees,” Latouffe promises. “Get ready to laugh and start buying all our clothes.”
The new line of tee shirts will feature the following zany riffs:
“Pirates do it in the booty.”
“Dentists do it in your mouth.”
“Financial advisors fuck you in your assets.”
“Farmers do it with chickens.”
“Your mom does it with your dad.”
“Proctologists do it in your BUTT.”
“Podiatrists do it in your BUTT.”
“Teachers do it with custodians.”
“Construction workers do it in porta johns.”
“Loggers do it with holes in trees.”
“Engineers do it with Star Wars dolls.”
“Sex workers do it for money.”
“Actors do it for the possibility to maybe work with an important producer.”
“Low self-esteem people do it so you’ll like them.”
Visit ibrmerch.com for more.
IBR Merch, the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report, has removed another controversial item from its wildly popular online site. We answer all your questions about the event.
Which tee shirt was pulled?
IBR Merch removed a tee shirt from its “robot love” collection. The shirt stated, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt.”
What was so bad about the tee shirt?
People complained that it made no sense and was “weird.” They also seemed to have an immediate negative reaction to the idea of a robot lover and also to the suggestion of anal sex.
What is a “robot lover” anyway?
We feel it could be either a robot who is in love, a robot who has sex with you, a person who pretends to be a robot while he has sex with you, or probably that last one.
Why would someone pretend to be a robot while having sex with people?
Why would you pretend to be a person while you have sex with a robot, is the better question.
Why was the “B” in “Butt” capitalized?
Why is the whatever in your name capitalized? Same reason.
Can I still buy one if I really want it?
Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we will sell it to you because we made a pledge a long time ago that if it’s about money we will find a way to do it.
Do Robot Lovers really do it in the Butt?
What are the sales of the Robot Lovers do it in the Butt tee shirt?
Zero so far, but you could be the first one.
Why would anyone wear a shirt that says, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt”?
To show pride.
I don’t get it. I could see something like, “Pirates do it in the booty” because that would be an actual play on words. The Robot Lovers thing doesn’t make any sense.
Thank you for the idea. We will make that shirt now.
Should I be pretending to be a robot when I have sex?
It’s up to you but yeah, probably.
There’s something wrong with you, right?
Did you think this article would actually get people to buy a shirt that says, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt” with a capital “B”?
In retrospect, was that a bad idea?
Yes, but not worse than any of our other promotional ideas.
Is this finally over?
Is it now?
There is a story* about a Portuguese explorer who discovered an island in the South Pacific. Warriors from a local tribe greeted his row boat as he approached the shore. Attempting to show them respect, he put his hands in the air, signifying that he meant no harm and carried no weapons. They cut off his arms. Apparently, in their culture, that meant something bad.
And while you’re not a dumb old Portuguese sea captain, you may be insulting people all the time and not know it. In psychology, this is called, “reverse axis signaling”** and it’s when you say something you think is a compliment or simply an innocuous comment, but it's taken as a grave insult.
You may be surprised how many times you do this at work without even realizing it. The Intergalactic Business Report’s new study on reverse axis signaling shows you the 6 most common phrases you use at work every day that are actually condescending insults to your co-workers. Read these and stop saying them today.
1. “Jeff and I were talking the other day about how valuable you are to the company. It was an extremely short conversation.”
2. “I enjoyed your presentation, but I was confused about the part where you were speaking.”
3. “The report you showed me is really great. Did you hire a homeless person to write it for you?”
4. “Those are nice pants. Looks like you have a small penis?”
5. “Someone suggested we get a trained monkey to do your job, and I told them we should never do that because at least with you there’s slightly less monkey shit to clean up.”
6. “Suck my motherfucking dick—I will slap your face.”
*No there isn’t.
*No it isn’t.
5 merch items from the Intergalactic Business Report that are making customers feel instantly awkward and ashamed.
For years, fans of the Intergalactic Business Report have been begging for clothing and accessories that are officially sanctioned by our award-winning magazine. Now we can tell those fans to stop begging and start buying our merch.
We do feel a duty to offer full disclosure about some of the items you may buy from our new online store.
Customers have complained about being “embarrassed” after wearing many of the high fashion apparel and feeling incredibly “awkward” around other people who they feel are judging them and staring at them almost non-stop.
They point to some of the following as being especially troublesome:
While we make no apologies for how you may feel after wearing these products…. We can’t remember what we were going to say next.
Anyway, go to www.ibrmerch.com
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