In a new series of ads, Facebook tries to explain why they suck so hard at issues like privacy and freedom of expression. Our favorite features some dude named “Jack” from the Facebook Content Team that banned the Intergalactic Business Report from advertising in 2020 when we said something they didn’t like.
Almost a year later, the ban has not been lifted, and Facebook has offered no recourse for us to appeal, complain, or even receive a reason for our banishment. Because advertising on Facebook was our primary avenue to bring satire and joy to people around the country and world, we have had to rely on our loyal followers to share and spread that joy for us.
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report attempts to identify the reasons behind our Facebook ban by the noble content arbiter “Jack.” So, what was it? We have a feeling our coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic may have contributed? We list 17 articles that may have led to our excommunication.
1. We suggested magic may be the strongest defense against COVID-19.
2. We reported that Hawaiian Punch may be superior to most vaccines.
3. We wrote about a penis-delivered vaccine called the “hot beef injection.”
4. We proposed that the cure for Coronavirus may be you shutting the fuck up.
5. We told you that a new virus called “Curvedbonervirus” might be worse than Coronavirus.
6. We said that some people are dying twice from COVID-19.
7. We claimed to have negotiated with an alien race to end the pandemic.
8. We mentioned that according to Chinese government officials, having sex with Chinese government officials may give you immunity from the Coronavirus.
9. We also stated that eating vampire boogers may be a cure.
10. We told you that COVID-19 cases could reach 4 billion per day.
11. We asserted that we could end the pandemic if everyone stopped breathing.
12. We speculated about the threat of “no-symptomatic” people.
13. We listed “ball sweat” as a possible Coronavirus symptom.
14. We reported that you may already be dead from COVID-19.
15. We suggested that the lifting of “shelter in place” orders may give you the ability to fly.
16. We revealed our plan to save professional sports during the pandemic by starting a world-wide group masturbation league.
17. We invented a quarantine sport called “Can I fit that up my butt?”
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